Connie and Carla Page #6

Or is this the real you?

I don't think you could handle

the real me.

You'd be all,

"Oh, I want my mommy. "

Uh-uh.

It's true.

Uh-uh. So a real woman

doesn't scare you?

No. But, Connie,

you're not a real woman.

Oh, you'd be surprised, baby.

I know your type.

You like uptight girls.

That is not true.

That is so not true.

Really?

Yeah.

Am I your type?

Sure. Yeah.

You think I'm attractive?

Connie, I've never seen you

out of drag,

but-but, uh,

I have to say that as a broad,

you're-you're a real looker.

Ahh!

Can I get another one, please?

I have been to dinner theaters

in Idaho, to cabarets in Kansas.

I have watched every show

in this whole country.

Connie and Carla have disappeared.

You're just mad

'cause Connie didn't call you.

Mikey, get it through that chunk-a-head

of yours, Connie and Carla- they're gone.

Hey.

Sorry, Mr. Rudy. Whoa.

Who are you?

I'm Al.

I'm new.

What's your problem, Al?

Mikey. His girlfriend

took off on him and-

th-that's all.

I love a good story.

- Where are Connie and Carla?

- We don't know.

But Mikey says he got

a hang-up call last night.

- Caller I.D. said area code 323.

- Los Angeles.

- Oh.

- What a story.

Listen, you guys

are useless to me here like this.

What I want you to do is

I want you to go out there,

and I want you to fnd

your girls. Are you serious?

And when you do, call me.

Why?

I gotta know how it ends.

Uh, Mr. Rudy,

oh, thank you.

Thanks.

Follow that idiot.

Uh, I already saw you.

Hello? I-

Hey!

Wait!

Look, I'm not-

I know you're not.

That was just a big-

It was just a mistake, what

happened. Yeah, a big mistake.

Can't we be friends?

No. No, we can't.

I don't have time for this.

This whole thing. Okay?

It's not normal.

Don't you think it's a little bit weird,

Mr. Rudy giving us this cash to come out?

- He cares about me.

- Since when?

I'm not sure.

There's some things about Mr. Rudy

that might surprise you.

I heard some stuff.

What'd I do?

Would you fnd a map?

Wanna ride?

You missed rehearsal this morning.

Carla, please.

I just got dumped.

What are you talking about?

How could I not know?

What, the straight guy?

Yeah. But he thinks I'm a guy,

so it's over before it even started.

- Isn't thatJeff?.

- Oh, yeah. That's interesting.

It's Jeff?

Right in the throat.

Are you crazy?

You must be out of your mind!

Carla! Carla! Your knee

is in my coochie! Get off!.

Are you sick? Do you have

some kind of death wish?

Why would you take a chance

on exposing us?

He'll talk about it to Robert,

then she'll talk. People will talk.

Then those guys will fnd us and

kill us! Your voice is giving me mono.

Nothing happened. Back off!.

You yelled at me.

We're fghting.

We never fght. What's happening to

us? We're having a nervous breakdown.

Yeah, maybe we're having a delayed

reaction to the trauma of being shot at-

like those guys in Nam.

You can't say "Nam," Carla.

You weren't in Nam.

You have to call it Vietnam!

- Shut up, Connie! I can call it what I want!

- Oh, God! I kissed Jeff!.

I kissed Jeff, and I wanna

kiss him again without my wig!

You can't, Connie!

You can't! You did?

Just my luck. I meet the guy

of my dreams and he's straight!

Look at us! We're ridiculous, Carla.

I can't do this anymore.

Shut up, Connie.

We're in this because of you!

It was your idea to borrow money for new costumes,

even though you knew Frank was a gangster.

So because of you,

we saw him get killed.

And then we-yes, we-

got shot at.

Shot at with real guns. And that

white powder? That was cocaine.

You got us mixed up with

some real criminals. Murderers.

And it was your stupid idea

to be drag queens.

Now we're in hiding for life as

women dressed as men dressed as women.

So shut up,

shut up, shut up!

I-

You've been weird.

Cut it out.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Girls, we need help.

Open the door.

Peaches and Jeff are fghting.

Let's go! Quick!

You won't even go inside.

You won't dare to look at the show.

I've asked you and I've asked you.

You won't do it.

Robert, I've invested days

and energy in this relationship. I'm trying.

But, you gotta give me a break

It's hard for me to see you like this.

You can't pick and choose

the parts of me...

that don't make you sick

to your stomach.

You can't have half a relationship

with me,Jeff.

Jeff.

Oh, my God. What are you

- What are you doing here?

- It's not what you think.

- Jeff, I can see that.

So this is what you've been up to?

No.

Sneaking around

when you said you were working?

That's his girlfriend.

- I thought you were seeing other women.

- No, Mary.

- Her name is Mary?

Jeff.

Introduce me to your girlfriend.

Mary, this is Robert.

My brother.

Oh.

Okay. Um, we're gonna

give you guys some privacy.

Jeff, they're freaks.

God.

She's fne. He's fne. Everything's

all right. Let's just leave her alone.

Maybe just a glass of water? My heart's pounding.

I thought she was going to kill that girl.

One who should watch out is thatJeff. I'm going

to knock him into next week. I swear to God.

Ouch. You know?

Yeah.

Christ.

Let's eat.

And he wouldn't stop

asking me questions.

It was like I was

Professor Cross-dresser or something.

Like he says, "Why are you called drag queens?

Nobody's being dragged. You're not dragging anything. "

Well, that comes from Shakespeare.

Really?

Yeah. He'd write, "So-and-so enters," and

in the margin, he'd put the initials D.R.A.G.

"So-and-so enters dressed as girl. "

Drag. Okay, Shakespeare.

How about Ophelia Up? No.

Wanda DeCountryside?

It's not me.

Devoida Talent?

Stop it.

Personally, I like Wanda DeCountryside.

What are you looking over here for? That's

your side. Turn around, look over there.

Come by later if you wanna talk.

Oh, sweetie. I am all talked out.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- You okay?

- Yeah. I've got guy problems.

Oh, sweetie.

Come on.

Welcome to What's Up L.A.?

A dinner theater that's

full of drag queens? Holy stockings.

Gorgeous-

Connie and Carla, there you are.

If you could just

spare us fve minutes.

A big hit here in West Hollywood.

Just tell us a little something.

Don't be so shy.

You've made a big splash.

It's just a local station.

Our viewers are dying to know you.

Okay.

- What makes you the best drag queens ever?

- Honey, we do our own singing.

No lip-synching for us, toots.

We do all your favorite show tunes

wrapped in a delicious dinner.

That was a big mistake. We have been flirting

with disaster ever since we went on that stage.

Carla. Connie.

What are you doing here?

What the hell is going on?

How did you fnd us? Carla,

how come you're a guy now?

Uh, Connie. I think a lot of people

just saw that. Yeah, but it's local news.

There's no way that that Russian

or Rudy guy saw it. Mr. Rudy.

Our boss.

You work for Rudy?

He sent us to fnd you.

What? What the hell?

You just tell Rudy that we wanna live. We're

not gonna tell anybody that he killed poor Frank.

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