Cop and a Half: New Recruit Page #2

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Sit, sit, sit.

[Quintero]

I'm just bein' a stand-up guy.

[Fountain] Well, hey

I'm the type of guy

that likes to roam around

I'm never in one place, hey

I roam from town to town

I love 'em and I leave 'em

'Cause you know that I'm the best

I hop into my car

and I drive around the world

- They call me the wanderer

- The wanderer

- Yeah, the wanderer

- Whoa, whoa, whoa

I roam around and 'round

and 'round and 'round

Around and 'round

and 'round and 'round

Hey, boss, you kill me.

You are my idol,

Mr. Fountain, my idol.

I'm so happy to meet you. I love

your singing. Do you have an album out?

You wouldn't be just saying that

to butter me up, would you?

Because I detest hypocrisy.

No way.

Ooh, Chu, there's a fish in here.

Get rid of it.

- [Chu] You got it, boss.

- Hey, what're you doin'?

- Hey, turn loose of me.

- You know,

in a fit of nostalgia,

I was gonna shoot

you myself, but I hate

being so hands-on,

but I hate stoolies even more.

Stoolie! I'm no stoolie.

I never said a word to McKenna.

Are you kidding me?

You really think that I don't know

why they let you go so fast?

[Quintero] You got it all wrong.

[Muffled] Hey!

What a waste of a good chicken leg.

Heh, heh, heh. Relax.

You're gonna get indigestion.

You're gonna love this. It's gonna

take you all the way back to 1961.

Splish splash I was takin' a bath

All about a Saturday night

- Bum, bum, bum

- Bum, bum, bum

Rub-a-dub

I jumped back in the tub

Bobo delivers the euphoria 10:30

Thursday morning. That's 100 grand.

Your cop friends get that,

Quintero, huh?

Was it loud enough for you, huh?

- [Muffled Yelling]

- [Fountain] What, you can't swim?

Hey, Quintero, I hope

you got your flippers on.

I hope your suit

is drip-dry.

[Splash]

[Clank]

Relax. Probably the pigeons.

I'll take care of it.

- Oh, no.

- I'm comin', boss.

We'll take care of this,

Mr. Fountain.

You really think that's gonna work?

No, boss. I'm stupid.

Just once I would like to conduct

business in a hygienic environment.

- Yes, boss.

- Yes, boss.

[Reporter] Come on, McKenna,

you've gotta give me something.

I haven't got anything. I just

got here, for cryin' out loud.

- Give me a break, will ya?

- Hey, found him for you.

- Quintero?

- So much for the "scum floats" theory.

He was my only lead.

Hey, relax.

Got a witness.

- You got a witness?

- Yes, sir.

- Where is he?

- Well, he's right over here.

Where?

- Nick.

- Yeah?

Over here. He's been askin'

for you all night.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I'm Devon Butler.

You can just call me Devon.

Ready for fingerprinting?

Let me talk to you a minute.

Have you got any idea

what a sharp lawyer...

will do with a little kid

on the witness stand?

He will rip

this little guy to shreds.

He won't know the killer

from Captain Kangaroo.

- What are you trying to do to me?

- Nick, he's all we got.

What's up?

Little boy, if you saw the bad man

again, would you recognize him?

Don't you think a formal

interrogation downtown is in order?

And Captain Kangaroo hasn't

been on the air for nine years.

God hates me. Get his parents,

get him downtown.

[Nick] Who are you?

I'm Devon Butler. I just told

you back there. Short memory.

Ha, ha.

Look at that fat jumbo.

Do you recognize anybody in the book?

You have any pictures

of these guys from the back?

I don't think I like

that question. Why?

That's the way I saw 'em.

Let me explain something

to you, all right?

See, my strong suit is not patience.

So what I want you

to do is look at the

book there and find

someone you recognize.

Otherwise I'm going to

rip your little head off.

Nick.

I got a plate number.

Son, why didn't you

tell us that before?

Anybody ever heard of quid pro quo?

One hand washes the other.

One hand washes the other.

That's bonus information.

Would you like a Popsicle?

No, I don't want no Popsicle.

I want to see your superior.

Hello, Devon.

My name is Captain Rubio.

I understand from Detective McKenna

that you wanted to see me.

You need me to testify

and identify, right?

Yes, Devon,

that would be very helpful.

Ma'am, I'd like to cut a deal.

[Rubio] He wants to be a cop.

What?

Shield, assignments,

squad car, the works.

And he's not gonna help us

unless he gets it.

Bring the criminal back

when you arrest him.

Don't go...

Don't go let him eat.

Just bring him to jail.

Bring him to jail!

Oh. Give me five minutes

with him alone.

Hey, uh...

So, anybody want a sip?

Guess not.

[Devon Humming]

Devon, sweetie,

why don't you just go ahead

and give us that plate number...

and then we can all go home.

Okay, make me a cop.

Why do you want to be a cop?

Look at this guy.

Raggedy-ass clothes,

20-year-old car,

bad back, bad marriage, bad attitude.

Son, does that sound like

any kind of life for anybody?

But if you were a cop,

people don't sass you.

Give us the plate number!

Nick!

I'll give you a little taste

of what I got.

A taste? Where does

he get this stuff?

Prime time.

There's a shipment

of euphoria coming in.

Tell us something we don't know.

Thursday, 10:
30.

Mm-hmm. Where?

Don't know, but I got a name.

Why is everyone gatherin' around me?

What's the name?

- I really want to give you his name.

- Mm-hmm.

You put me on duty, it's yours.

Hey, McPhail, I'm from outer space.

Listen, you've had

ride-alongs before.

No, I don't.

Yes, you have, so I want you

to take him for eight hours.

- Other guys have ride-alongs.

- Put a sock in it, Nick!

I want you to drive him around

for eight hours,

let him hit the siren

a couple of times, humor him.

What is the problem with this?

- I don't get along with kids.

- I don't care.

- I don't like them, they don't like me.

- Nobody cares.

You can't have any fun with a kid.

You take a kid to a bar, he has

one drink, he falls off his stool.

What?

You gave me such a

wonderful present today.

You gave me two destroyed lawns,

a Weber grill, a chaise lounge...

- I gave you a perp.

- Reckless endangerment. You owe me.

I don't owe you nothin'!

I don't owe you nothin'!

You owe me this thing, Nick!

Nick, when you get home, you want to

check and see how the blues fit?

- Are they a little snug under the belt?

- [Slams Table]

- Hello, I'm detective...

- Baby!

Oh, baby.

I told them not to call.

Oh, you had me scared to death!

Mrs. Baldwin, hi.

I'm Captain Rubio.

Yes, yes.

As I explained, young Devon here

witnessed a murder earlier this evening.

- Fortunately, he wasn't harmed.

- They're gonna let me be a cop.

What Devon means is: We're just

gonna have one of our men...

ride him around for a few hours,

sort of as a reward.

It's quid pro quo

for helping them out.

My grandson has seen all I

want him to see of police work.

No, no, no.

This is going to be

nothing dangerous.

He's going to be riding with

our department's most decorated man.

Devon, you ride around

with me for eight hours.

If you so much as think

about getting in my way,

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