Cop and a Half: New Recruit Page #3

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I'm gonna tie your little ass to the

axle and drag you all over the city.

- Okay? Hmm?

- [Rubio] Nick.

I'd like you to meet

Devon's grandmother.

How do you do?

No, no, please don't bother

with introductions. We're leaving.

You talk to my grandson again like

that and you'll be wearing that axle.

Grandma, I'll be serving our community,

taking responsibility.

Now where'd you get that?

- From you.

- Well...

- Thank you!

- Now, I didn't say yes.

But you said "well," and you always

say "well" before you say "yes."

Well, look, we need

to discuss this some more.

That's, uh, sharp, Nick.

[Fountain]

Remember when I first met you

Wish me luck.

The heavens in my heart

- Leaped into your eye...

- [Knocking]

You're amazing.

You really think so, huh?

This better be good.

[Chu] Well, sir, they got a witness.

And what did this witness witness?

It's just some kid,

but we know where he lives.

How much could a little kid see?

I was a little kid once myself

and I saw everything.

Thank you.

Chu, find out everything

you can about this kid.

[Devon] Nice pair of boots, Nick.

I have to get me a pair of those.

So what kind of hardware

do you carry?

I carry a bazooka in the trunk.

Everyone, could I please

get your attention?

You be careful out there.

Don't talk to anybody, especially me.

Hey, kid, you take care of McKenna.

He's fading fast.

I'm an eight-year-old,

not a miracle worker.

Get in the car.

My shield, my badge.

All right, here you are.

Now get in the car.

I always wanted one of these.

Get in the car!

Yes?

My cuffs.

A cop's gotta have cuffs.

He's right, McKenna. Cuffs are what

make this job worth doing.

Thank you.

Everybody, get in the car!

- Javohl.

- Aye, aye.

Let's get down to business.

We're gonna have fun.

Right.

- Buckle up.

- Wait a minute, I can't see.

Raise your butt up.

All right.

[Speaker] Calling all cars,

all cars. This is Detective Butler.

- What are you doing?

- You give me no joy.

[Devon]

What do you got under the hood?

[McKenna] I got an engine

and in a minute, you.

Hey, when do we stop

for donuts and coffee?

Haven't you heard

about secondary smoke?

[Coughing]

Haven't you heard about

minding your own business?

At this very moment,

the pink, delicate tissues...

of my still-forming lungs

may be shriveling...

into green chunks of mucus...

struggling for their last gasp

of poison, brown air.

- Happy?

- Now you're littering.

What are we here for?

Stakeout.

It's your shift.

Do I look like

a five-year-old to you?

I can't tell.

The light's not too good in here.

Deal's off.

This is Dullsville.

Well, lesson number one:

Police work is Dullsville.

- What'd you have in mind?

- Cop stuff.

Shakedowns, shootouts,

busting scumbags.

All right.

Look, partner.

A code 27. Purse snatch.

Hey, come here!

Hey! Kid!

[Devon] Stop, thief!

- [Honking]

- Hey, watch where you're driving!

I'm commandeering your vehicle.

Hey, get back here!

What are you, nuts?

Whoa!

Whoo!

Dammit!

[Devon]

Police business. Coming through.

Look out!

Sorry.

Aah! Aah...

[Devon]

Stop! I hate to run!

- Make it easy on yourself.

- Martha! Martha!

- Stop, thief!

- Martha! Martha!

- Bye, honey. Have a nice day.

- Thanks, honey.

What are you doing!

You're under arrest

for violating code 27.

Boy, Nick, you don't look too great.

I nabbed the purse snatcher.

My wife forgot her purse. I was trying

to catch her before she got on the bus!

- You're not a purse snatcher?

- No. I'm calling the cops.

I am a police officer.

Great. What are you

gonna do about this?

This? I'm gonna kill this.

Why do you think I spend

hours and hours at the range...

shooting at silhouettes, shooting

the hearts right out of 'em?

Every single day.

I've been doin' that for years.

Why do you think I do that? I do that

because I don't wanna chase anybody.

I don't like to run.

So I want you to give me

the plate number.

Hey, this is more like it.

Partners are supposed to fight.

Partner love/hate relationship.

We don't have

a love/hate relationship!

We have a hate/hate relationship.

I don't know how your grandmother can

stand you. You must drive her bonkers.

How do you know?

You don't even live with us.

Give me the plate number.

Plate number:

N-6-B-7-2-G.

- Hey, Nick.

- Go.

We got a make on

a '65 Lincoln Continental...

registered to

a D. Dimucci, 264 Bowman.

Let's get a warrant

and ransack the place.

Wait a minute, 264 Bowman

is a public library,

and I figure Dimucci's

a phony name also.

[McKenna] A public library. Will

you give me something that I can use?

Bobo.

Bobo who?

Bobo I don't know.

How many Bobos can there be?

You better pray just one.

[As Pee-Wee Herman]

Bombing Butler. Aaah!

- Come on, Jenkins.

- Hey, can you do this one?

- You don't wanna be like him.

- [imitates Elephant Trumpeting]

- What is this, the zoo?

- Oh, it's a party, mac!

- [Phone Ringing]

- It's a party!

I'm listening to you.

Officer Butler here.

Okay, lady, calm down.

Calm down.

What'd the cat look like?

- No, I'm eight.

- [Click, Dial Tone]

Hello? Hello?

Damn civilians.

What do we got?

We got three Bobos.

[Clucking]

Detective Butler here.

Detective McKenna would like

to ask you a few questions.

- Go ahead, Nick.

- [Clucking]

Is your name Bobo?

Oww! Oww!

[Bobo] Ah, perfect.

- Are you Mr. Bobo?

- In blue.

Listen. I don't think

this is the guy.

I didn't know art was so dangerous.

How did you know he wasn't our Bobo?

Well, lesson number two:

You gotta trust your instincts.

When you were in school,

kids ever pick on you?

Yeah.

What'd you do?

Oh, I'd handle it

the best way I could.

Hey, Nick, it's a code 73.

What's today, Bobo?

Today? I don't know.

Feels like a Wednesday.

Tell me!

- Tell me!

- You stay in the car. Don't get out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Indistinct Yelling In Spanish]

Catherina, my mother gave us this.

That's right. And you know what?

She gave us this too!

What the hell's goin' on here?

Ask him, sir, Mr. Bobo.

Ask him what day it is today!

- Is your name Bobo?

- I forgot our anniversary.

You forgot your anniversary?

- It's your anniversary?

- I got a present for you, Bobo.

No, no, no.

Not the cards.

- No, no, no.

- All! All of your old baseball cards.

No, no!

[Speaking Spanish]

- Don't, ma'am.

- Detective Butler here.

- What seems to be the problem?

- Get in the car.

Domestic altercations

require two police officers.

You're not a police officer!

Get in the car!

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Never let civilians see us disagree.

It undermines my authority.

I'm disgusted.

Really disgusted.

[Speaking Spanish]

When you stop being mad at him,

you're gonna be real mad at yourself.

Don't worry. I'll never stop

being mad at him!

Who are you, the Mickey Mouse patrol?

Get your skinny little butt out of there

before she throws you out of there.

Nick, please, give me a second, okay?

You think it's bad he forgot

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