Cop Out Page #3

So why don't you go ahead...

...and keep your little promise

to the great city of New York.

Take that gun of yours...

...and shoot yourself, Serpico.

- Daddy? Can I talk to you?

- Of course. Of course.

Excuse me, Roy.

Prick.

I don't have to have the big wedding

if it's too much.

We can just have something small

with a few friends.

Oh, baby, come here.

Are you kidding me?

You are gonna have the wedding

that you always wanted.

Big, all your friends, everybody.

Even your mom's gonna be happy.

Stop worrying, all right?

- Really?

- Really.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

Because I really want a big wedding.

You're gonna get a big wedding.

What'd I tell you?

Gotta stop listening to this

knucklehead.

- Is he looking at me right now?

- Mm-hm.

F*** him.

What the f***?

What the...?

Mother...

Hey, Big Al, how you doing?

Jimmy Monroe.

Listen, I gotta sell the Pafko.

See if you can find a buyer for me,

all right?

Good morning, Deborah.

Good morning, Paul.

Is this yours from last night?

You got me, Paul.

I was celebrating

because I finally closed the ramen account.

I forgot.

Noodles every day, every hour of the day,

and you just forgot?

Don't change the subject.

Did you drink this bottle of champagne

by yourself?

No, I didn't. I had some help.

- Who?

- Henry.

- Henry?

- Henry.

- Our neighbor, next door?

- Henry, the next door neighbor.

How he get involved in our celebration?

Our celebration? You weren't even here.

I'm doing that thing again, right?

- Paul.

- But, baby, you my tenderoni.

- And I get insecure.

- I know that I'm lucky to have you.

I love you and I married you because

you're funny, and you're smart.

And I'm orally fixated.

That's going too far.

You have no need to be jealous

of Henry or anybody else, okay?

I'm yours. You have to believe that.

You know you got me open

like a research monkey?

- I don't know what that means.

- Can I get some?

I love you, booby. Give me some of that.

Hi.

Hi, Henry.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

I'll see you tonight.

You gonna be my eyes, little bear.

What's with the box?

Gotta sell the Pafko.

I heard that. I know that's right.

- I'm lying. What's a Pafko?

- It's a baseball card.

Baseball card?

- Jim, listen, if you need 20 bucks, I got...

- A**hole, I don't need 20 bucks.

I'm selling it

to cover my daughter's wedding.

So how much is that thing worth?

Well, it's a gem mint 10 Andy Pafko.

In 1952, when the Topps gum company

came out with the first baseball cards...

...Andy Pafko was number one,

the first card in that set.

Kids would collect the cards, right?

Then they'd stack them up,

wrap rubber bands around them.

My pop...

...never wrapped rubber bands

around his cards.

Loved Andy Pafko.

Always took good care of him.

About four or five years ago, they sold one

of these at auction for about $83,000.

Eighty-three thousand grand?

Yeah. My daughter's wedding's gonna

cost 48,000.

You're about to come off like a fat rat

in a cheese factory, Jim.

Yeah, that's if we get 80.

I'd rather chew my own arm off than to

have that guy Roy...

...stand up and take credit for it all.

- I hear you.

I'm gonna stay out here

and I'm gonna call Debbie.

Oh, good.

Big Al.

Mr. Monroe.

- Is that it? Is that the Pafko?

- Yeah. That's it.

Just got off the phone with a buyer

and he's gotta have it.

And I just have to appraise it.

Can I take it out?

- You're talking about the card, right?

- For the next four weeks, f*** this job.

I'm coming home to you. It's gonna be

me and you. We gonna get freaky.

Careful with the edge.

You're not gonna take it out...

- Open up the register. Open it.

- But I...

Dave. You want me to grab the cards?

Put your mask back on.

He's calling me Dave

because it's not my real name.

Just grab anything that looks old.

He pays big for old sh*t like this.

Paul. Paul.

- Paul. Jesus.

- I just wanna get you pregnant.

You know, my daughter come out,

she be like 11 pounds, 20 ounces.

You know, running around the house

with the doo-doo Pamper on.

- This guy's got a gun.

- What?

I'm a cop.

- Ah!

- Now I'm a cop.

Now, I need to see you.

I just wanna be home with you. You know?

I'll start everything right now, you know?

Hey!

- Hey!

- Jimmy, I'm on the phone.

Mr. Monroe...

...we are the police. We're here to help.

Now, you've been the victim of a crime,

do you understand?

I don't have time for this sh*t.

Whoa. Whoa, guy.

Based on the emotional state, how should

we proceed? What do you think?

We get him a psych evaluation.

We're gonna take you to Bellevue...

...just to make sure you're okay.

Now, for the record...

...how long, actually, have you been a...

...hobbyist?

Now, were there

any identifying marks on the suspects?

Nope.

Okay, seven robberies,

all with similar M.O.s.

All in Queens, five in Far Rockaway.

It just got me to thinking

maybe our guy...

...got his tattoo from a local parlor

in the neighborhood.

Now, here comes the genius.

Check it out. Bust it, it might blind you.

This is the stuff my mother used

to tell her friends about.

"My son is a genius.

My son is a genius. He's a genius."

I called all the local parlors,

using the robberies as a radius...

...and I think I got one guy that says

he might have given somebody...

...a wiener dog surfer tattoo

on his forearm.

Ah! What the f***, man?

It's a cartoon dog surfing on his forearm.

Why don't you tell my partner

who Dave is...

...before he draws two unicorns

f***ing on your face.

- Give it up.

- Dave owes me money.

Says he's gonna pay

after he hits this house tonight.

He's been casing one on the beach.

In Rockaway.

That's all I know, man. That's all I know.

It just keeps ringing and ringing and

ringing. I mean, where the hell is she?

Just relax.

Four fifteen in the morning

and she doesn't pick up?

Ask any cop, his wife is sleeping

with the phone next to the pillow...

...just in case something happens.

She's probably with that Henry.

I am not doing this sh*t again.

Jesus.

- Who's this Henry guy?

- He's our neighbor.

Every morning when Debbie

takes the trash out...

...this Henry guy

happens to take his trash out.

"Oh, Debbie, Debbie, Debbie,

you look wonderful.

How about you come over.

Really? He's working all night?"

"Why don't you come over around 11.

While he's putting his life on the line,

I could dickey-do you from behind."

- Dickey-do?

- F***ing monocle-wearing motherf***er.

- Know what? I'm calling Debbie.

- Give me that. Give me the phone.

- Give it back, Jim. Give me my phone.

- I'm not giving it back.

Sick of this paranoid,

"My wife is f***ing around on me" bullshit.

- It's driving me f***ing crazy.

- I promise I won't call her.

If you're not gonna call,

then you don't need the phone, do you?

- Give me my phone, Jim.

- I'm not gonna... Man, what...?

Get off. I swear to God...

- You better get off of me.

- Give me the phone.

- Give me my phone.

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