Cop Out Page #4

- Head down, I said.

Get your head... What, you happy now?

Jesus Christ. You're a f***ing child.

Oh, man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What? What's going on?

- Yo, what is that? Look at this.

- Unbelievable.

- Let me see.

They're on the roof.

What the f*** is that?

That's called parkour.

It's a French martial art

to get you around and over stuff.

What are you, Wikipedia?

- Got sand in the binoculars.

- That's because you put it on my face.

We lost him now. Wait a minute.

- Oh, man.

- What?

- Are you kidding me?

- What?

He's taking a sh*t in the house.

Look. Upstairs. Where the light is.

Oh, sh*t. He's taking a sh*t in the house.

What kind of guy takes a sh*t

in the same house that he's robbing?

I don't know. What kind of guy takes a

sh*t in a high-pressure situation like this?

I'm not shitting nowhere

except for my house.

I will pinch it in my ass for hours

before I let it go.

But when I let it go, here, she blows.

Here, she blows.

The big brown shark is gonna come.

I set records with my sh*t turds.

I move my bowels all over my toilet.

All over my bathroom,

I'm moving bowels.

I sh*t so hard sometimes...

...people next door be like,

"Warriors, come out and play."

Oh, God.

- What?

- We got a problem.

Somebody's coming home. Come on.

"All your base are belong to us"?

What is that?

These Japanese guys made a video game.

They don't know how to speak English.

- That is really, really weird.

- Hey. Ma'am.

- What?

- N.Y.P.D. Can you come here a minute?

What's going on?

Why are we crouched down?

I'm Detective Hodges,

this is Detective Monroe.

- Somebody broke into your house.

- What?

He's in there. What we need

you to do is take your son...

...go across the street to your neighbor's,

and wait for us to get you, all right?

I'm not going anywhere. I'm gonna go take

care of the son of a... b... myself.

Whoa, ma'am. I need you to put

that gun on the deck right now.

No. F that. I'm not going anywhere.

I'm telling you, somebody's stealing

my stuff, I've worked too G. D. hard.

- You gonna smoke somebody, Mom?

- F'ing A right I am.

- Ma'am, just please, put the gun down.

- No F'ing way. I know my rights.

Lady. Put the F'ing gun down

on the ground right now...

...take your son across the F'ing

street to your neighbor's house...

...and stay there until we come

and get you.

Jesus C.

You better not screw up any of

my furniture. It's custom-made Italian.

Jimmy!

Sh*t.

Did you just fall down the stairs?

- No.

- Shoot him, Jimmy.

- He rubbing my titty.

- Put it down.

- I don't mean to. It's just nervous energy.

- Hold still, Paul.

Just tell Debbie that I love her.

- Who's Debbie?

- She's my old lady.

- Take your hand off his breast.

- Kill him, Jimmy.

Let him go, or the next one

goes right through your head.

- Drop the gun on the floor.

- No. No.

It's brand-new zebrawood, a**hole.

Give it to me.

Here. F***ing pussies.

Motherfuckers.

What do you think a doormat is for?

Pigs.

Poh Boy. Poh Boy.

We can get the car back, man.

Shh.

Juan.

The contents of the Mercedes

are very, very important to me.

Five grand to anyone

who brings me that car.

Wow, man. Holy sh*t.

Can you believe that?

That girl almost blew my head off.

Feel my pulse, man.

That was crazy. Crazy.

You were there. That happened.

Shut up. I'm on the phone.

All right. I'll be quiet. Hey.

I'm craving cheese right now.

Could we stop, get some cheese?

Hey, turd burglar, all I wanna hear

is where my baseball card is.

Where my partner's gun is.

- Your what?

- My baseball card.

Why you talking to me

about baseball cards?

Holy sh*t. Dude,

I just Tasered you, man. Oh-ho!

Man. Hey, did you sh*t your pants

when you got Tasered?

Because I Tasered myself, like, five times

one night, I didn't sh*t my pants at all.

I had a little turtle head. It was like:

Like that, man.

It wasn't what I thought it was gonna be.

- Machine again.

- Who you trying to call? Your lady?

- Six o'clock. She's probably asleep.

- Maybe she's banging another guy...

...and she doesn't wanna

pick up the phone.

Dude, just sit the f*** back there

and shut up.

Hey, you shut up.

Hey. Can I get her number?

Oh, psych. I already got it.

You keep obsessing about this thing,

it's gonna drive you crazy.

I know, I know.

But he keep on saying stuff.

Maybe your wife suffers

from that CCD disorder I saw on the news.

- What's CCD?

- Cock-Craving Disorder.

It's where they crave the cock.

Any cock, every cock.

She's probably

in the middle of a D.P. right now.

- Double penetration.

- What?

He said "double penetration."

- Shut up.

- You wanna shoot me?

- I'll shoot you in the face.

- Shoot you in the face.

What? Shut the f... Shut up.

- Just shut up.

- Shut up.

Stop repeating me.

Stop repeating...

Shut up, man.

You see what he's doing, Jim?

Shut up.

Jim, do you see what he's doing?

- He's trying to live here rent-free.

- Don't tap your head with a gun.

- Shut up.

- Okay.

- Just shut up.

- Shut up.

Man, don't be saying what I say.

- Shut your mouth.

- Shut your mouth.

- Not a peep.

- Not a peep.

- Duck season.

- Rabbit season.

- Come on.

- You see what I'm saying, Jim?

- Come on, Jim.

- Throw out this motherfuck...

Let's all calm down here.

You're angry, you're tired. I'm going to jail

anyway, so let's just all chill out, okay?

Knock, knock.

Jim, don't do it.

Don't do it.

- If you value our partnership, don't do it.

- Do it.

- Been putting it in together

for nine years. - Do it.

- Don't do it, Jim.

- Do it.

- Jim, don't do it, Jim.

- Do it. Do it.

Who's there?

- Why'd you do it, Jim? Why?

- Thank you.

Why? To humiliate me?

- Orange.

- For what?

No. No. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

No. No.

No, no, no.

Hell, no.

No. No.

I refu... No. No.

Orange who, damn it?

Orange you pissed your wife's taking it

in the ass from another guy?

I'm gonna kill you, mother...

You're gonna tell us

where my baseball card is.

- And where my gun is.

- That's so f***ing gangster.

That's it. That's it.

Get out,

you witty-bitty bing-bong freak.

Witty-bitty bing-bong ass

out of the car.

- Ow!

- You try to run...

...I'll shoot you in the ass.

This is police brutality.

Not yet.

- What are you doing?

- All right. Last chance.

- Tell me where my baseball card is.

- Okay. Okay.

Your baseball card, it's...

It's in Paul's wife's p*ssy.

- Let's get him, Jim.

- At least we tried, right?

- Been nice knowing you.

- You run your mouth too much.

- You run your mouth too much.

- Jim, you see him doing...?

What's the fastest

a human being can run?

I don't know,

but let's go for the record.

Hang on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sh*t. Oh, my dick, my balls!

Oh, Mommy.

What a rush.

You guys are fun, man.

You wanna go on the Cyclone next?

I'm kidding. I'm putting on a brave face.

I don't want to do that again.

I sold your gun and card

for a few eight balls...

...and some mescaline

and some ecstasy and...

You sold my baseball card for drugs?

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