Corner Gas: The Movie Page #4

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he...

He probably had a heart attack.

Geez, you might be

onto something there.

Legend also has it

that he ate a lot of red meat.

Huh.

We never thought of that.

Say, you're pretty good

at solving mysteries.

What is it you say you did

back home?

It's not what I did.

It's what I'm gonna do.

Whoa, whoa!

Can you... take me back

in to shore, please?

Uh... gladly.

I hereby declare the bar officially

reopened.

The candles are a nice touch.

Classy.

Well, the power's out.

Classy and practical.

I got some big news, too,

but I'll tell you later.

Don't want to steal

your thunder.

Hey, Mr. Big Shot Bar Owner,

the place looks great.

Thanks.

It was a lot of work.

Mostly cleaning up mouse poop.

An alarming amount of it, actually.

You know, I never really mentioned this

earlier,

but I think it is really amazing

how you manned up

and bought this place.

Well, thank you,

even though I do find the term "manned

up" to be a tad sexist.

Deal with it, dollface.

It's so obvious.

Of course it is.

What is?

Brent and Lacey.

They should be a couple.

If Brent wasn't so thick,

he'd see that Lacey

wants to meet someone,

get married, have grandchildren.

I mean children.

You really seem

to be enjoying this.

Yeah, I am.

Owning a bar is kind of fun.

It's just like Ted Danson

always led me to believe.

I kind of thought there'd be more people

here tonight.

Let's play truth or dare now

We can roll around

in our underwear

Hey, I like your T-shirt.

Oh, thanks.

I have my own iron-on kit

at home,

so I can make all kinds

of custom shirts.

You know, whatever you guys want... for a

price.

He was just saying

it's a cool shirt.

Yeah, well, my eyes are up here, you

pervo.

The game on?

Sorry I'm late, boys.

Hey, nice T-shirt.

Oh! Oh, you boys!

Everyone, drink up!

The night is young!

Let's be friends forever

Hey! Hey, hey!

What... What are you doing here?

I thought you were

on a fishing trip.

I came back early.

What's going on'?

It's a surprise

welcome-home party!

- Really?

- Surprise!

Welcome home!

Oh, you guys.

But I cut my trip short.

How did you...

So, did you catch any fish?

Better yet,

I caught an epiphany.

Is that some kind of trout?

No, it's my new job!

See, I take the skills I learned as a

cop,

and I become

a private detective.

Good for you.

Yeah, I'm gonna sell the house, and I'm

gonna move to the city.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You don't want to do that.

There's plenty of detectiving

to do right here.

In Dog River?

There's no secrets here.

Everyone knows

everyone's business.

There's a million mysteries.

Like, where's Phil?

You need to find him.

My first case.

Go now

before the trail gets cold!

All right!

Okay.

So the cleanup is finished.

And now we are going to move on to the

decorating stage.

Emma's out buying some plants,

and as you can see,

I've made some sketches here.

I think that we should...

Maybe we could put up some of those

funny plywood silhouettes.

Oh, like the ones

that look like someone's bum

bending over in the garden.

What is with you people

and plywood?

Bums, cowboys, butterflies?

No. I'm sorry.

No plywood.

I think they're cute.

Well, you're mistaken.

Lookit. All of the design sketches are

here.

The flowchart is here.

We have a very short window

to pull this off,

and I hate to say it,

but it just has to be my way

or the highway.

That doesn't sound like

you hate saying it.

Hey, you want to doodle,

do it in a notebook.

Napkins cost money.

Lacey, Lacey, Lacey.

Always worrying about

the pennies.

And that is why I have

more pennies than you.

Yeah, well, not for long.

I'm in the meeting phase

of my get-rich idea.

It's gonna pull this town

out of the dumps.

I happen to have set up

a little meeting

with a rep from Goff-Nuts.

Goff-Nuts'? No.

The Goff-Nuts?

We got coffee

We got doughnuts,

sugar and caffeine

Let's all go nuts!

Yeah, I'm gonna

open a franchise.

Hank, are you insane?

In case you hadn't noticed,

I sell coffee and doughnuts.

You sell more sandwiches

and soups.

We got soup, sandwiches

for your whole group

Mind you, so do they.

Oh, well.

Competition's healthy.

I saw that on "BizWeek. "

You'll do well.

- Me and Brent'll do well.

- Brent?

Brent's just

the silent investor.

Oh, he is, is he?

Hey!

Brent! Listen,

Hank just told me all about

you two opening a Goff-Nuts.

How could you, Brent?

You think this is funny?

Well, I think it's funny

that after all the years

of knowing Hank,

you'd still get upset

about something that tumbled

out of his head.

Oh.

Oh, God.

So he's not...

Rational? No.

I think I may have

said something like,

"if you have a good idea,

I'll get behind it. "

But, Brent, he said

that a rep from the company

is coming here today.

He also says he's building

a rocket in his garage.

Right.

Relax. I will never, ever,

ever invest in a Goff-Nuts.

And to show your gratitude,

you can finish up for me here.

I got a ton of stuff

I got to do at the bar.

Can you check the oil?

Huh?

No.

Can you?

I'm glad you called, Hank.

I can see a lot

of community pride here.

It's a cute little town.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, we were shooting

for "quaint,"

so I guess we're

not quite there yet.

Or did we overshoot?

Is cute better than quaint?

All I know is, it's a good fit for the

Goff-Nuts family.

So, really, all we need

to discuss now

is the, uh... the franchise fee.

Franchise fee?

I thought we just opened up

and sold doughnuts.

No, a fee is standard.

Is that a problem?

Oh, no. I got my financial guy all lined

up.

- Cute, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

Maybe I should talk to somebody about

that.

We might be going

in the wrong direction.

Oh, there we go.

Oh! Hello, my pet!

Or should I say one of my pets.

What the hell have you done now?

I had a little chat

with Jeff Collins at the bar.

We swung a deal.

Go back and unswing it.

And get rid of that horse.

Not likely.

That's the deal of the century, maybe

even the decade.

Who trades a healthy horse

for a broken-down car?

- You traded the car?

- Horses don't break down.

They run on grass

and poop out fertilizer...

to make more grass.

It's the circle of life.

It's survival 101.

How am I gonna get around,

buy groceries?

Don't you see

what's hooked up to his ass?

You may as well accept that, Emma.

You can't stand in the way

of progress.

Only you would think that buying a horse

and buggy was progress.

A private investigator?

In Dog River?

There are no secrets

in small towns.

There are a million mysteries out there.

There's 500 people in town.

That's 2,000 mysteries

per person.

I'm not a mathematician.

I'm a private eye,

and you, you're jealous.

Jealous?

Yeah. 'Cause I get to

solve crimes, too.

And I'm not bound by any rules,

and I don't have to wear

some dorky uniform.

What do you think?

Too much?

Depends.

Trying to look stupid?

Why rent an office in the basement of

the police station?

'Cause a detective's office

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