Cougar Club Page #2

- Spence:
Dad.

- Oh!

Excuse me.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh...

( woman giggles )

( sighs )

I'll try Mr. Stack again, all right?

Oh, nice.

Oh... nice.

Beautiful.

Good. Good good good.

Woman over intercom:

Mr. Stack, your interview is here.

I'm coming.

- He'll be right out.

- Thank you.

Thanks.

You look so...

refreshing today.

And the flower

is a very sweet touch.

You look lovely.

Stop.

( grunts )

Oh!

You're so f***ing good-looking.

( grunts )

Ahh.

( snorting )

- What was that?

- I don't know.

- ( club thunks )

- ( metal clangs )

- ( woman screams )

- ( panting )

Why the hell are you two

just sitting there?

Us?

- Did you pass the bar yet?

- Haven't been to law school yet, sir.

"Oh, we haven't been

to law school yet, sir."

So you're just

a couple of sh*t turds.

- Excuse me?

- Yes, sir, we are.

- Do you sh*t turds wanna work here?

- Both:
Yes, sir.

Well, then, why am l...

Iooking for my ball

and you're just sitting in there?!

And you!

Those plants--

they need dusting.

- Plants?

- Uh, dusting?

Good. Good good good.

You're hired, you're hired,

you're all f***ing hired!

- ( Archibald laughing )

- Woman:
He forgets sometimes

he hired me over 15 years ago.

Oh.

- Is that Mr. Stack?

- Oh, no. That was Mr. Archibald.

But don't worry, he has hiring

and firing privileges too.

I'll show you where we keep

the plant maintenance kit.

Don't they have plant maintenance

people for stuff like that?

Oops. They only come

once a week.

Mr. Archibald

likes it done twice.

It's okay.

Once you make partner

you won't have to do it anymore.

Woman over radio:

Good morning, Angelenos.

- ( clock beeping )

- It's gonna be a hot,

muggy one out there today,

busting up to the century mark.

And on to the news.

The stock market is up 12 points

and, in sports, the LA Cougars

won the WABA Championship

- by 16 points.

- ( meows )

And in entertainment news,

it says here a '60s sex symbol...

- ( beeping continues )

- Spence, would you get that?

...on Pacific Coast Highway.

That's right, that's what it says.

( grunts )

You bar-flunking freak!

Where in the hell

did you get these numbers?

I don't know.

( whispers )

It's that Karl guy.

( whispering )

You know what I heard?

The poor bastard fucks

the file cabinets to blow off steam.

You butt-licker!

What part of your maggot-rotten brain

sh*t out these numbers?

- Well, obviously, I made a mistake.

- Well, obviously.

And now Sarah Tucker's alimony

is on the line!

Better fix it--

best piece of ass I've ever had.

- ( licks )

- Did you hear that?

The best piece of ass

he's ever had.

Who brought you in here, anyway?

Well, my Uncle William is

a good friend of Mr. Conrad.

Well, that's not gonna save you

when you flunk the bar next month,

because next month

you're gonna be good and fired.

- I hope not.

- Good and fired!

Karl, do you need to use the bathroom

or did you already sh*t in your pants?

I might have

dripped a little, but, umm--

It wasn't a real question,

you taint-licking hemorrhoid.

- ( crying )

- These guys are f***ers.

I gotta go get the file boxes.

Loosen up, would you?

( whimpering loudly )

( ballad playing )

Hi.

( gasps )

- Are you gay?

- What?

No.

No...

Whoa, big fella. Down.

It's not polite to point

in the office.

Gonna plant that mushroom?

A little young for me, but--

oh, for you...

( chuckles )

I have-- I have to get

the file boxes.

- Okay.

- Okay. Take care of some business

- while you're in there.

- Okay.

I'm gonna push out

a little turtle head.

- I'll meet you back in there.

- All right.

Hey hey hey!

You two-- sh*t-turd guys--

get in here and get

the jelly out of my toes.

- Uh...

- Mmm, mmm.

I want you to really get in there--

under the nail.

And give us a nice trim

while you're down there.

( phone beeps )

Stack:

What's going on with Doreen Wyes?

- I gave you that lead a week ago.

- I'm on it, I'm sending an employee

over to Formosa

Wednesday at 6:
00,

'cause that's where her husband

meets his girlfriend.

Stack:
Took you a f***ing week

to figure that out?!

There was some confusion

about which restaurant.

Whatever.

Send someone f***ing good this time.

( phone beeps )

- Ouch!

- Sorry. Sorry.

I-- I didn't know this was

part of your body.

( retches )

Oh, that's good, that's good.

That's good, that's good.

Oh...

( chuckles )

Uh, anything else, sir?

Yeah yeah, there is.

I got to this little piece

of dried-up sh*t turd

that needs to be pulled

out of my ass.

Come on.

( laughing )

I'm kidding you!

- Get out.

- ( retches )

Dude, these lawyers...

( chuckles )

are a bunch of sweaty jackals,

feeding off

of the weak and sick

and injured little gazelles and sh*t.

I mean, do you really want

one of these... scavengers

- referring you to Yale?

- Right now,

it's the best contact I have,

but there's no reason

you should stay here.

Where the hell am I gonna go?

Go wherever you want.

Spence, now you know

I can't stand

anyone that isn't

a hot older woman or you.

- ( chuckles )

- So wherever you go, I follow.

This may sound

a little weak, lame,

- even a little gay to some people...

- Yeah.

...but f*** it.

I know what I like.

- Hogan.

- All right.

Let's get you in Yale.

Archibald:
Karl!

Out of my office, butt-licker!

Hey, sh*t turd!

Grab your sh*t-turd friend

and get in here.

( laughing )

Hogan!

Hey!

Silver BMW 535--

it's in the parking lot

in the golf club in Bel Air.

Here's the license plate.

Find it and slash the tires.

Go. Now.

Isn't that illegal?

( laughs )

Okay. No, I know

that it's illegal,

but why would you want us

to do something illegal?

Hogan:

My guess would be

that the driver has

an afternoon court appearance

that if he were to miss

would cause him to severely fall

out of favor with the judge,

considering that

it's probably over custody

or some sticky issue like that.

The judge will look more favorably

on the party that is actually in

the courtroom standing in front of him.

Very good, sh*t-turd's friend.

Now, when you're done with that,

you deliver these papers to my wife.

She's at some bake sale

with her girlfriends.

The address is on the envelope.

Tell her she can have her divorce

as long as she understands

that she's now...

totally f***ed.

Tell her that--

- verbatim.

- Yes, sir.

You're still here. Why?

Dude, these guys make

so much f***ing bank here.

- Wow.

- I'm quitting my job.

Man:

Hey, a**holes.

I've been rotting here

for five minutes.

I don't wanna put you out or anything,

but do you mind fetching my car?!

( Slavic accent )

"Studman." Studman!

Of course, we help you.

- I run for studs.

- ( whispers ) What do we do?

( whispers ) I don't know.

A couple of things feel good to me.

Okay, I go fast

for you now.

A couple jerk-off

valet parkers.

So listen, I changed

at the country club

and I'll be in court

within the hour.

What the f***

are you looking at?

Que?

Just some valet puke

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