Cougar Club Page #3

giving me the stinkeye.

Guy's a moron.

So listen, wrap up the Chicago deal,

let's get to Vegas.

Yeah, I've got the four tee times

and strippers lined up.

No, I'm not bringing my wife.

What are you talking about?

She starting to take me

to the cleaners in this divorce.

No, I'm thinking of taking

that cute little court reporter

from the Stony case.

She was pretty good orally,

- but I tell you...

- ( car tires screeching )

...she had a snatch the size

of the Lincoln Tunnel.

It's like f***ing

a warm bucket of water.

No, but I'll give you five...

Wha-- what the f***?

( normal voice )

It's a little sticky

coming out of second,

but other than that--

I'm gonna kick your face in!

Hogan, holy sh*t, man!

Come on, let's go!

- Come on, go go go go go!

- Ah!

You son of a b*tch!

That was crazy, Hogan.

I think maybe you took

that one a little too far, huh?

( Slavic accent )

What? You have job, you do it right.

- Okay.

- Huh?

This is it.

Whoa.

Gotta work on

your accent, by the way.

- Really?

- It was terrible.

I told you to prepare, you're not--

you're not getting prepared.

- Weird, I thought I was pretty good.

- You almost blew it.

Hmm.

- Come in.

- ( women chatting )

Woman:

I'm sure you will enjoy these.

They come

in all different kinds.

They're like Easter eggs.

And it will go

with anything you're wearing...

or not wearing.

This one, my little darlings,

is called "The Fire Alarm."

And trust me,

where your orgasms are concerned--

all of you--

this one is the four-alarm fire

that you have

been begging for.

( laughs )

Look at it. Isn't it cute?

Feliney metropolitanis.

What?

Cougars.

Everywhere.

Oh my God,

look at the variety.

Oh my, that's a Rolls-Royce,

very hard to nab.

...spankings!

There's some Cadillacs,

a little bit easier.

Oh my God, a Trans Am.

Not exactly my flavor,

but definitely has appeal.

Oh my God.

My personal favorite,

a Silver Fox. Oh, so many

possibilities in one sitting.

Down.

Thank you very much.

We'll have some refreshments.

Woman:

This is a private party,

but what can I do

for you two hunky hunks?

We are Spence Holmes

and Marshall Hogan lll,

and we're looking

for a Daniela Stack.

Woman:

And what is this regarding?

Well, we work

for her husband and...

he wanted us to...

give her this.

Oh. Oh, then you work

for my husband too.

I'm Teddy Archibald.

- No way.

- No way.

So...

what exactly goes on

at this sort of party?

Well, we're just looking to spice up

our libidos a little bit.

Aha. Yeah, I see. I see.

Edith:
Marshall!

What a pleasant surprise!

Oh, hey.

Oh.

Ladies, meet Marshall Hogan lll.

Our spectacular afternoon together

became my inspiration

for finding Lulu here

and her "Art of Pleasure" schooling.

Praise the clitoris, Edith.

Yes!

I came alive under

Mr. Hogan's tutelage,

and my life's mission

is to help you experience

an awakening such as mine.

Aside from handling me so expertly,

he suggested I switch

to the Vivelle Dot

hormone replacement therapy.

And I must say

it's worked wonders.

Wonders!

Whoo!

Marshall.

Perhaps you and your friend

can help us out?

Oh, anything.

Well, maybe...

you could gather a group

of your friends

who enjoy doing

what you enjoy doing,

and we could connect them

with my friends

who enjoy doing

what I enjoy doing.

Sounds like the cougars

need their prey.

Ooh, well said.

We'll be in touch.

Now, ladies,

Lulu will take

your orders here.

Grab a clipboard.

Cindy Conrad,

Iet me formally introduce you

to Spence Holmes

and Marshall Hogan.

to Spence Holmes

and Marshall Hogan.

They work for the firm.

They work for the firm.

Ah. So you know that

ass-waxing prick that I'm married to.

Ah. So you know that

ass-waxing prick that I'm married to.

( all laugh )

( all laugh )

Have you seen Daniela around?

Have you seen Daniela around?

They have something for her.

They have something for her.

Oh yeah, I dragged her here.

She's inside somewhere.

Oh yeah, I dragged her here.

She's inside somewhere.

Mmm, happy birthday to me.

Mmm, happy birthday to me.

If you want,

I could give the papers to Daniela.

That's okay, Teddy.

I'll take them.

Oops.

I assume he finally signed

my divorce papers?

Yeah, um...

and he-- he also said--

he said he wanted us to say...

well, 'cause he wanted to--

Hello, Marshall Hogan lll.

It's nice to see you again.

And may I say

you deserve a future

of lasting happiness and peace?

And may I also say

you've probably never

Iooked or felt better in your life,

am I right?

- ( laughs )

- Daniela Stack,

this is my best friend,

Spencer Holmes.

Hi.

Daniela Darren now.

Nice to meet you.

Hi.

Hogan:

Our job is done here,

and we hope

to see you again.

I hope so.

Hi.

Stop saying hi.

- Hi.

- You're dehydrated.

Bye.

Hi.

I mean,

she just looked

right at me and said,

"l hope so."

Oh my God.

What am I gonna do?

You know what you're gonna do?

Whatever the f*** you want.

Now, you want to be with this woman,

be with this woman.

Be with her and Amanda, who cares?

Be with all of 'em.

Yeah, Stack too.

F*** him...

good and hard,

right up the ass.

Just f***in' do what you want.

- I tell you what else you're gonna do.

- What?

This Edith thing.

Dude, right now my whole life

revolves around Yale Law.

I know,

and you're going to Yale Law.

Okay, I have no doubt

about that.

But that's, like, the future.

I'm talking now,

- and you're doing this Edith thing.

- What are you talking about?

Edith!

Edith and the cougars!

What?

Wait, you want us to charge them

to have sex with us?

No.

No.

We charge our friends

to have sex with them.

- All right.

- You see?

Now listen.

We start a little country club, okay?

A "Cougar Club," if you will, right?

And we charge membership fees

and sh*t like that.

- Is that legal?

- F*** it-- yes!

I don't know.

Who cares?

I care! I have to.

I, uh, no.

- No no no no no, I can't do it.

- Oh...

- "Cougar Club."

- Oh come, Spence, would you stop

saying no to everything?

Do you not get bored of that?

Say "yes."

Yes, 'cause it feels so good.

Yes, because you've never

taken a risk in your life, my friend.

Yes, because

Daniela Darren said,

"l hope so"!

Yes, because Edith Birnbaum

f***ing demands it.

"Supply us nice, horny cougars

with nice, horny young prey."

Aw, sh*t.

Why can't I ever say yes to you?

Because sometimes Spencey

says "no" when he means "yes."

Thank you, Mom.

Thanks, Mom.

Okay, well... night.

- Spence:
Good night.

- Hogan:
Good night.

Mmm!

"Because sometimes Spencey

says 'no' when he means 'yes."'

- That was a f***ing omen.

- Okay okay, shut up.

For once in your life,

would you do something just for you?

Say what you really want to say.

How will it work?

Hogan's voice:

We'll target 100 guys to start.

That first group will pay $500

for the first year to join,

and any members

after that will pay $1,000.

They'll have direct access

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