Cougar Club Page #4

of all our cougar-sponsored events.

Now that includes access to profiles,

phone numbers-- whole thing.

And on the women's side,

Edith will be out in the wild

gathering our hunters, marking them

with the gold Cougar Club necklace.

All of our picks will

be those who strive to be with

and who embrace

the older woman, or the cougar.

And finally, we'll save room

for our one "must join."

You tell me when, okay?

You tell me when!

You-you tell me when.

Want a whole dance, do ya?

You want a whole d--

ahh! You're looking right at me.

( cabinet squeaking )

Karl? Karl, Karl.

How long has this disaster

been going on, man?

- Too long.

- Spence:
Mmm.

We're concerned, Karl.

Yeah. And we--

we understand your need here.

We do, it's just maybe you

and your little plastic friend

would like to bang

something other than the files?

Like what?

- Like a woman...

- Yeah.

...for God's sakes.

( snickers )

Yeah right.

Not just any woman-- no.

Larry Archibald's woman.

- His mistress?

- No, dude, his wife.

We're starting a cougar club

for guys just like you,

and we want you

to be a member.

You do?

Yeah.

Now, it's 500 bucks to join,

but it's well worth all the access

you're gonna have

not only to Archibald's wife,

but all the other wives

and the cougar friends

they're gonna bring with them.

Yeah, but $500-- that's--

I mean, God, l...

Okay, you know what?

Yes, please.

Yes, I'll-- yeah, all right.

What's a cougar?

- We'll explain later.

- Yeah.

Clean yourself up.

We'll explain it to you.

Here you go.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Here you go.

All right, man,

welcome to the club.

- Oh thanks.

- Whoa, you're hot.

All right,

welcome to the club.

All right.

Okay, welcome to Cougar Club.

( all cheer )

All right, now, all of your credit cards

will be swiped

at every event to ensure

that all payments

have been received.

If they're not,

you will have the opportunity to make

these payments at the event.

Now, for a little taste

of what your new membership's

gonna bring you.

Mmm!

( man grunts )

Yeah, this little sweetie's

name is lngrid Stone,

subcategory:
Ferrari.

She's a divorce,

working at one

of LA's finest financial firms,

and she enjoys the headrush

she gets from a vertical 69.

( all chuckle )

( sighs )

So, gentlemen,

Iet the hunt begin.

( all cheer )

( Dolly moaning )

Hogan:

Dolly.

- Oh God, oh...

- ( Dolly squealing )

- Sorry, Dolly.

- Don't f***in' stop!

Hey, sh*t turd,

meet me in my office.

Shouldn't I clean

the bathrooms first?

Stack:

You heard me. Get in here!

So why are you

working at this firm,

sh*t turd?

Can you please stop

calling me "sh*t turd"?

Mmm.

Why are you here...

sh*t turd?

I want real-world experience

before I attend law school.

Well, most people go straight

to law school. Why didn't you?

Well, I was accepted to Baker

and Anderson Lee--

- Never heard of 'em.

- Right right.

And what school

weren't you accepted to?

Well, that would be Yale, sir.

Now you see?

That one I've heard of.

So when I asked you

why you were here,

you didn't tell me

the truth, did you?

Oh.

The truth is you're here

because you need me to give you

a recommendation letter

to guarantee you

acceptance into Yale.

You're here because you're

too stupid to get in on your own,

and you need me

to help do it for you.

Now it seems

your dear old dad

is on his hands and knees

ready to blow

to make sure his sh*t turd

of a son gets into Yale.

Now what do you think

I should tell dear old Dad?

I don't know.

Well, I think you should tell him

that you're my b*tch.

And maybe if you do

everything I tell you,

your sh*t-turd ass might

wind up in Yale.

Who authorized you

to change the locks to my house?

You did.

Read the pre-nup, sugar.

You know I still have

my things in there, don't you?

Look, if you can't read the pre-nup,

why don't you have your lawyer

or some hack read it for you?

Or if you want to make it

easy on yourself,

just stay married to me.

I'd rather be dead.

And by the way,

this box of lingerie...

not mine,

you son of a b*tch.

( Stack sniffs )

Don't you have

a toilet bowl to lick dry?

Yeah. Yup.

- Dolly:
Are you okay?

- Go. Go.

Go go.

Dolly:

What's-- what's going on?

( car alarm beeps )

Hey. Hi.

What you did

back there was...

was good.

It was really good,

and I just want you

to know that...

if you need

a place to stay,

you can stay at my house.

Let me give you my number.

That's very sweet,

but I'm staying with a friend.

Nice to see you again, Spence.

Wait wait wait, um...

Would it be totally inappropriate

to invite you to dinner?

I just don't think

I'm ready to see anybody right now.

Thanks for asking.

It's nice to be asked.

I just invited her

to stay at my parents' house.

Wow.

What am I doing?

( grunts )

Archibald just called me.

He's screaming

for a foot scrub.

- ( siren wails )

- I told him you'd be right up.

( grunts )

And stay away from the wives!

Present, future, uh... past.

Got it, dick hole?

- Come on, Karl.

- Karl:
Okay.

- Let's go.

- All right.

So good, they don't know sh*t

about Cougar Club.

- No, but we gotta be careful.

- ( squeals )

Their antennas are up,

all of their antennas are up.

- 'Night, boys.

- Good night, my little carnation.

Oh!

( giggles )

Hogan?

Thank you, baby.

Hey.

Is Conrad's wife hot?

I don't remember.

Yeah, but she's like 38.

Oh. Little young for me.

I'll do her anyway,

that way Karl here

can do Archibald's wife,

I'll hit Conrad's,

you can hit Stack's.

- Cool.

- I'm not hitting Stack's wife.

I don't even know what

I'm doing with Stack's wife.

- You can do it.

- ( car honks )

Spence:

Oh sh*t.

( pop music playing )

Hi. Did you lose my number?

- No.

- Get in.

There you go.

See you at home.

( growls )

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Ah. This is a nice surprise.

- Mm-hmm.

You are the boys,

I'm just a girl

We're not the same,

we're from different worlds

You think you're smart

but you're no fun

How hard is it

to fall in love?

Boys...

So, why are you avoiding me?

I'm-- I'm not. I just--

work has been really--

If you have something important

to say to me, then just say it.

- ( turns off music )

- Amanda, I don't.

I just-- just wanna go in

and go to sleep.

Fine, let's go in

and go to sleep.

Can't sleep with you

at my parents' house.

That's right.

That's why I think

you should move in with me.

Oh, Amanda.

We are ready

for that next step, Spencey--

our first apartment.

And I'm even willing to cover the rent,

because I know you'll be

facing enormous law-school bills

and I know my assistance to you

will be paid back to me tenfold

once you're out of law school

and we're married!

Wow, Amanda--

It'll be like that movie,

"Pay It Forward," with Kevin Spacey.

You'll be Helen Hunt,

I'll be Kevin Spacey.

Okay, I didn't see that one.

Amanda, look, I think we--

- Spencey, I love you.

- I love you too.

( chuckles )

It's just, I'm not--

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