Cougar Club Page #5

Shh shh shh shh.

Just think about it.

It's perfect. Okay?

- Kiss.

- Okay.

Lip gloss, though.

All right.

( gardener whistling

"Battle Hymn of the Republic" )

- ( sighs )

- ( music blaring )

Four-leaf clover. Agh!

Here we go.

You boys sleep tight.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Thanks, Mom.

See, you think Amanda's gonna

do sh*t like this for you?

What are you doing?

What? This is avocado

and banana.

You use this stuff,

you never go bald.

- Really?

- Yup.

- It's tingling.

- Is it supposed to?

I don't know.

So, what's the deal again

with Mrs. Birnbaum?

Okay, now Edith's gonna get a 10% fee

for supplying us

with hundreds of hot cougars.

- Totally worth it.

- All right.

- Wow.

- Did you give her the divorce files

- from the office?

- Yes.

And she's totally set up for success.

Now, all we need

is one kick-ass party

to get the word-of-mouth

we kind of need to expand here.

And I want to go all the way

with this Cougar Club thing.

I'm talking lnternet,

magazines, calendars.

I want to go full-on,

nationwide organization.

- It's burning! Burning now!

- Man, you should really

- just wash that out.

- Yes!

- Hoo!

- ( shower running )

So, where should

our first party be?

Marshall, I just don't know

how to thank you for this.

Barnaby's in Manhattan Beach

is one of our absolute favorites.

Isn't it, Fred?

Oh no, are you kidding me?

Thank you

for letting me show

my gratitude to you two.

Oh, isn't that sweet, Fred?

- Okay, come on.

- ( stomach growling )

- Hey, what are you guys doing tonight?

- Let's go.

Tonight's gonna be

a big night actually,

- 'cause we have a meeting of all...

- Wow!

- Might have a few people over...

- Oh.

...watch some movies,

play some games.

- Naked Marco Polo.

- That sounds nice.

Well, there are plenty

of sodas in the fridge.

- Awesome.

- Have a good time.

Thanks, Mom.

Come on, honey.

Do you have any idea how much

hot cougar ass is gonna be here tonight?

Completely out of control.

All three of the bosses' wives

are gonna be represented.

- ( sighs )

- ( car engine turns over )

- Wow.

- Operation Bosses'-wife-F***

is definitely a go.

Bye-bye!

- Okay, calm down.

- Yeah, okay.

- Seriously, calm down.

- Man:
Roll, b*tches!

One two three four

( rock music playing )

Loaded cougar

motherfuckers!

Comin' atcha...

Teddy Archibald.

Hey, you look ravishing tonight.

- Doesn't she, guys?

- Well, thank you, Hogan.

Oh, you're so welcome.

Who's your little friend?

Teddy Archibald, I'd like you

to meet Karl Dessler.

Hello, Karl.

Hi... ah!

( laughs ) Hey!

I'm not sure she's even a woman.

Uh, I'm not sure he'll even notice.

Mm, you're right.

( woman laughing )

Whoo!

Cindy Conrad is here.

Oh.

- I remember now, Trans Am.

- Uh-huh.

Hogan:

Let's go get reacquainted.

Holy sh*t, she's here. I can't--

Spence, no. Hey, come on.

Don't puss out now.

Oh, Cindy Conrad.

Wow.

- Marshall Hogan.

- Hi.

- It's so good to see you again.

- Yeah.

Wanna f***?

( gasps )

Okay.

( both giggling )

- Hi, Spence.

- Hi.

Can l, uh, get you a drink or...

anything? Yeah.

Do you mind if l...?

Thanks.

So...

how's it going?

Never better. He's dating someone

he thinks he could marry,

so I'm hearing less from him,

which is great.

Can I ask you something?

"Why did I marry him

in the first place?"

No no no, I didn't mean to pry,

it's just that...

you are too beautiful and smart

and nice to be married

to a guy like him.

I won't miss the way

you're looking at me right now.

Everyone looks at me that way,

even when they hear he's my husband.

- I feel bad for you.

- Well don't,

because I kinda hate that.

I'm not a victim. I left.

Look, Cindy dragged me here tonight,

but it's really not my scene.

I'm not into

a meaningless relationship

with some guy who wasn't even

born before disco.

Excuse me.

Wait.

Peek-a-boo.

- Trans...

- Mmm!

...am.

( giggles )

Uh-oh.

- Watcha doin' down there?

- Hide...

and seek.

( sings )

What is she doing?

- She's in there.

- ( both laugh )

Uh-oh! Can l...

Ow!

Ah!

( Karl pants, yelps )

Sorry about the bed.

The... king size

is on back order,

so...

Do you and Hogan

share a room?

What?

No. No no no no.

Nope.

- Mm.

- Mm.

( Karl moaning )

( Cindy laughing )

Mm-- ow.

How do you feel...

about feet?

Ow.

Mm, oh!

Oh, just...

- it's so hard, just need a minute.

- Okay okay.

( Cindy moaning )

( Cindy panting )

Shh shh.

Okay.

- No more "shush."

- I'm ready.

I know,

I can feel it.

- Ooh!

- Mm.

- So young.

- Yeah, so young.

So young.

( Teddy moaning )

Oh yeah!

Take your time!

You know that if you smack my ass,

it doesn't move.

Yeah. Go ahead.

Smack it.

Punch it if you want to.

Go ahead.

Smack it! Smack it!

- Okay?

- Whoo! Ha ha ha!

Wah!

Mommy.

Drop your panties

to the floor

- Come on...

- Wanna do it again?

Drop your panties...

Yep.

Drop your panties

to the floor

To the floor,

to the floor

Drop your panties

- Drop your panties...

- ( horn honks )

Holy sh*t.

It's my parents.

Spencer, you're a 22-year-old man.

You're allowed to have sex.

No no, it's not--

it's not the sex part.

It's the--

the party part.

Holy sh*t, it's Barry.

- What?

- Barry, my ex-husband.

Your boss!

F***! Don't move.

Stay here until I get back.

- Nice place.

- Oh, thanks.

Mom and Dad are home,

and they're with Barry Stack.

- F***!

- F***!

Go outside, make sure everyone stays

out of the f***in' house.

Yeah. Go go go go.

- Go go go go go go!

- Come on!

( mutters )

( woman moaning )

Oh, come on.

Are you kidding me?

Take it outside!

Fred:

Okay, here we... come on.

Here we are.

Mom, Dad!

Mr. Stack!

Wow, what a surprise.

Well, this is great.

Look who we ran into

at Barnaby's, huh?

He was at a wedding reception

in the outside garden.

- Oh, it was stunning.

- Oh, I see, I see.

I thought-- I thought you and Mom

were gonna spend the night, but...?

- Well...

- Oh, your dad had a touch of diarrhea.

So let's--

let's just go sit in the living room.

Uh, the living room, Mom,

that's a great idea.

No no, nonsense, nonsense.

The living room's for Yale-bred.

Men talk in the den.

- Hmm?

- Mmm.

Ah! Now we're talking, huh?

Oh-- whoa!

Fred:

Watch your step there.

- Mom:
Okay now, Fred,

- Yeah?

I'm gonna go get you

your little orange miracle-worker.

Anybody for coffee

or bundt cake?

- Fantastic.

- You know what, Mom?

Why don't you stay here

and I'll go get the coffee...

Oh honey, no, you sit.

Honey, Dad and Mr. Stack

are gonna talk

about your

recommendation letter to Yale.

- You stay.

- It would be inappropriate

for me to try to influence

Mr. Stack directly.

Fred:

No no no, sit sit sit.

Excuse me.

He's an... impetuous kid,

you know?

- Mo-- Mom!

- Oh honey! Didn't know you were here.

Sweetheart, would you look in

the fridge and get that bundt cake?

Sure, absolutely.

- Oh, and a can of whipped cream.

- Uh...

- I don't see it.

- Really, I know I bought some.

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