Cougar Club Page #6

- ( can spraying )

- Oh good, you found it.

I knew I bought that.

- ( spraying )

- Honey, is that your tummy?

Yeah yeah, I think I have a touch

of what Dad has.

Oh, sweetheart,

is there burning in your anus?

Yep yep, just a little bit.

Well, maybe you need

one of Dad's little orange pills.

Yeah, you know what?

I'm just gonna let it pass.

- You sure?

- Yes.

- That's a good idea.

- Well, all right.

You know where they are.

Come on, sweetheart,

follow me with that bundt cake.

Let's go.

Yeah, we don't want

to keep them waiting.

I know.

( whispering )

Get the f*** out of here!

- Gesundheit.

- Thank you.

( music playing )

- Here we go.

- Ah, here.

- ( laughs )

- All right.

Yeah, beautiful beautiful.

- ( water splashes outside )

- Oh.

Wow. Hogan's got a hell

of a Marco Polo game going on.

Marco Polo--

it's still popular, isn't it?

You sit--

you sit there, honey.

So Barry was telling me

there that...

you are quite the ambitious,

hard-working employee.

And you've got quite

the aptitude for the law.

- That-- that's great, Spence.

- Yeah.

- Here you go, Barry.

- Thanks, Mr. Stack.

- Yeah.

- ( belches )

- Oh.

- ( stomach growling )

Oh, that sounds like

it's really deep in your cavity, honey.

- Just give me the pill, honey.

- Ooh.

( music playing )

- ( whispering ) What are you doing?

- I'm in Cougar Club.

Right, and rule number one

of Cougar Club

is you don't f***ing talk

about Cougar Club!

Now take her back

to your place.

All the beauty in the world

All the beauty

in the world...

- ( all laughing )

- I'm so glad that we...

- Hi!

- Amanda.

- Where were you?

- What are you doing here?

- What?

- We were supposed to go

on the horseback ride from

Beachwood Canyon to Glendale.

How could you forget that?

- It was sunset.

- Oh.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I had a meeting here

with my boss. Mr. Stack,

this is my girlfriend, Amanda.

Yeah, except you didn't know

I was gonna be here tonight.

How very nice

to meet you, Amanda.

I'm Barry Stack.

Is this true, Spencey?

It's, um--

what was the question?

Well, obviously you didn't

invite me to your party.

I mean, apparently I'm just

a little too young.

All the women

out there are really old.

Why are you partying

with a bunch of 50-year-olds?

Are you into old ladies, Spencey?

What? No.

I-- I don't know what

she's talking about.

I-l-l-l-I I don't know-- I don't know

how to thank you enough, Barry,

for this letter of recommendation.

It just means the world to us.

No thanks necessary, Fred.

Anyway, after all is said and done,

I think Spencey's

gonna earn that letter.

Of course-- of course--

of course he is. Of course, of course.

Let's go. Let's...

Oh.

Good night, Spence.

- Spence, what's going on?

- It's not--

Isn't she a little old

for Marco Polo?

Daniela, wait!

Spence? Spence!

I had no idea

he would be here, I swear.

Don't go.

Spence, I'm sorry.

You're a really nice guy,

but I don't want

anything here, okay?

- Come on, can't we just talk about it?

- Good night, Spence.

What the--?

You're not over him yet, are you?

Spence?

Are you having

a relationship with this old lady?

Oh my Go-- you know, I would

expect this from Hogan, okay?

He's-- he's sick!

But you?

Amanda, not now, just go home.

- Daniela, wait!

- ( gasps )

You're a f***er, Spence!

Good morning, guys.

Your applicants are here.

( whispering )

What?

They're not supposed

to come here.

Thank you very much,

sweetheart.

I think we can take it from here.

Gentlemen?

So, tell us why

you want to be members

of Cougar Club.

Well, it's like--

I've been fantasizing

about my mom's friends

for a long time.

- So has he.

- Mm-hmm.

Right. Welcome.

- Yeah, okay.

- Thanks.

- Congratulations.

- Why don't you guys read these over?

A couple times.

Get the hell out of here.

That's 345 and 346.

We've more than tripled our membership.

It's just like you said.

- La-la-la!

- You know I don't like that.

- What?

- This, gross.

So I look at the question and the answer

just seems to pop into my head.

And I've been here

so many times before,

- and I go blank, so--

- Oh! Okay okay.

( clears throat )

Is it a foot?

Mm-hmm.

Oh hell no.

No, try it, it's good.

Have you tried the toenail?

It's a secret ingredient.

What the...?

What is this?

Guys, I passed the bar.

- No, you didn't!

- I did.

Way to go, man.

( grunts )

I couldn't have done it

without you guys.

- Oh.

- Cougar Club--

I swear--

changed my life.

- That's sweet, man.

- lsn't he sweet?

- It's true.

- Oh.

Hey, okay.

Okay, all right, Karl.

( laughs )

Have some celebratory cake.

Well well well.

Congratulations, butt-licker.

Thanks, Mr. Archibald.

( grunts )

And your wife.

Thank her for me too.

Stack:

Attention sh*t turd

and sh*t-turd's friend.

Put down the f***ing snacks

and get in here.

Oh, and a special congratulations

to douche bag.

I never thought you'd pass.

He knew my name.

( door opens, closes )

Assignment time.

I need you sh*t turds to go

to L Oberman's house with a camera.

His address is in the folder.

I have knowledge

he does hookers by the pool

on Wednesdays at 3:00.

Take pictures

and bring them back to me.

Go!

You are aware, sir--

Are you speaking to me?

- It's not what--

- ( speaks gibberish )

Spence?

By the way, I was wondering

if you were able

to finish my letter

of recommendation?

Not yet, sh*t turd.

Do you know when you might be

able to finish it? Because I really--

You'll know when

you're f***ing looking at it!

Okay! Yeah.

We will know that

when we're looking at it.

We look forward to that.

( whispers )

Don't kill the a**hole yet.

( door opens, closes )

Look what I found

in sh*t-turd friend's backpack.

"Cougar Club"?

Hmm.

I think our wives

are involved in this.

( girls hooting, splashing )

( camera clicking )

I can't believe she's still in love

with that f***ing guy.

Why won't she call me back?

Conrad's wife

won't stop calling me.

It's like, "Dude,

Ieave me the f*** alone."

( camera clicking )

Your mind should be dug out

and studied, man.

Why?

I know what I like.

Oh, ladies, I gotta go

pull on my bow.

Spence:

What is that?

That, my friend, is a gold lam

banana hammock.

No.

No, that's a bow and arrow.

Gardener:

Ay, caramba.

Oh sh*t.

- ( boys grunting )

- Who the f***?

( groaning )

Oh, sorry, sh*t turds.

I heard you got banged up a little,

but the firm really appreciates

you going that extra mile.

And hey, I'll write that letter

of recommendation

real soon.

- Everyone's paid up.

- Okay.

- Cool cool cool.

- Thanks for checking, Karl.

- You all right?

- Yeah. Ahem.

Hello, Cougar Club.

( cheering )

All right, nice to see you guys

showed up here today.

Let's talk about it.

How great was pool party?

( cheering )

How about Film-Your-Own-

Threesome Thursdays?

I'm gonna take it down

a notch here

because some of you are

a little skittish about this one--

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