Cougar Club Page #7

you're regretting it now--

a little something called

"Midnight Graveyard

Cougar Hunt."

Oh yeah!

All right, all right.

So now, as all of you know,

September 19th

is our big Cougar Club extravaganza

in Beverly Hills.

That's right.

Okay, guys,

so it just comes down to this--

simple.

Don't be pussies,

take care of your cougars,

'cause they take care of you.

( all chanting )

Cougar cougar cougar...

( girl hooting )

Hello, BMW.

Nice. A Lexus.

Ah. Miss Cadillac.

Very nice.

Ooh. ( growls )

Jaguar.

- Spence:
Oh yeah.

- Hogan:
Come over and sort you out.

( growls )

Oh sh*t, it's the Trans Am.

Hide me.

Hey, Hogan.

Still ain't moving, baby. Yeow!

Look at that.

- Hey.

- You know it, I'll show it.

Whoo!

- Welcome.

- Guess Daniela didn't come with her.

Okay, Cameron, pay up.

ATM's inside.

Here you go.

Tried to run one by Karl?

Not gonna happen, pal.

He's got eyes like a hawk.

Look at her.

Here she comes, there she goes.

( hip-hop music playing )

Hey!

Karl. Karl.

Did you-- you swipe this guy in?

Ooh!

No, l-- no, I don't know

how he got in here.

- No.

- Cougar crasher.

( making lewd noises )

Well, look at you, baby. Hey.

Um, can I see

your Cougar card?

Cougar card?

I'm gonna have to pull him away

for a sec, will you excuse us?

Sure.

This is a private party,

and I'm really sorry, members only.

- You're gonna have to go.

- Come on, man.

That girl, she wants me.

I can get with her in like five minutes.

Well, unfortunately,

only members get that chance.

Members only.

Well, what do I got to do

to become a member?

Well, I mean, there's a whole

extensive screening process.

My partner and l

have to interview you...

And then if they approve,

- then you pay a fee of like--

- $3,000 to join,

and then there is individual fees

for each event.

Great, I've interviewed.

I just won like, five grad cash

at one of the lndian casinos.

I'll slide that your way,

and then I'll be a member.

Okay.

- $5,000?

- Come here. Come here!

- Okay. Okay.

- Okay.

Let's-- just hold on

just a second, Cindy.

Hold.

Meet my partner, we'll finish

this transaction, all right?

- All right.

- Right this way.

- After you, sir. Please, after you.

- That's fine.

Attaboy.

What the hell are you

doing over here, man?

- I can't f***in' believe it.

- What?

Spence:

She's here with him.

Oh damn.

I'm so sorry, man.

Look, just real quick,

I got something I got to ask you.

- Now?

- Yeah, just two seconds.

There's this guy here and he's

willing to pay five grand tonight

to join Cougar Club.

What do you think?

Spence, what do you think?

- It's-- it's fine.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Okay, cool.

Damn, so sorry.

- Okay.

- Yes, sir.

- Now look, my friend is busy here.

- Okay.

Okay?

But he's gonna give you a shot...

- Oh.

-...on this, all right?

- One shot.

- Wow.

So-- so basically

I give you this...

and I get to go nail that hottie?

You are a charmer.

Yeah, you get to nail that cougar.

- Cougar. Eh...

- Cougar.

Cougar.

Nice.

It's there.

- Welcome to Cougar Club.

- All right.

Welcome to Cougar Club, man.

- Ow!

- Hey, what are you--

- What the hell?

- I'm Detective John Butler.

You're both under arrest

for pandering.

- What?

- Beat it, douche bag.

Oh my... God,

he knew my name!

Butler:
You both have

the right to remain silent.

- Anything you say...

- Policeman:
Turn around.

...can and will be

used against you.

- Blah blah blah blah blah...

- No way, not the sh*t turds.

Officer, these boys work for me.

Why are they being arrested?

- Butler:
Pandering.

- ( Stack gasps )

Wow, you think

you know people.

You hear that, honey?

Pandering!

Should I put that in your

recommendation letter, Spencey?

Whoo!

Here's your car, boys!

Amanda said

if I kept associating with you,

it would eventually destroy me,

and she was right.

Oh, so, this is all my fault?

I did all this by myself?

'Cause you were there.

You said, "Fine."

I wasn't even looking at you

when I said it.

Obviously, I had

other things on my mind.

Do you not see how much

I lose in this thing?

Is that not perfectly clear to you?

Yale? Totally f***ed.

My job? F***ed.

Oh, what, I didn't lose my job?

- ( laughs )

- No, I didn't lose my job?

Don't even pretend

that meant anything to you,

because you don't have to

care about anything, Hogan.

You have no responsibilities,

no obligations,

no one breathing down your

f***ing neck every day of your life

demanding you do something

acceptable so their friends

won't think badly of them

when they're asked about you.

You don't even live

in your own house.

- You know what your problem is?

- What?

You're a f***ing p*ssy, Spence. Yeah.

You let people breathe down your neck

and tell you what you should feel

and what you should be and

what you should do with your life.

My advice:

Grow up, and be a man.

All right, you know what?

I'm done.

Uh, hey...

You know, I've always,

I've always wondered

what it would be like to have

my dick in a man.

( laughs )

( siren wails )

I can explain.

Just get in.

Come on, let's go.

You, stay.

Man on TV:

So goodbye, Susie. Goodbye.

- Jack.

- Goodbye.

Jack, please.

Jack! Don't do this.

All right, Will,

what do you have for me?

Will:

Next, State of California versus Holmes

and Hogan lll.

Representing ourselves, are we?

Uh-huh.

You're late, counsel.

Yes. Yes, uh...

How do your clients plead?

I think I have that.

Uh, just--

- Not guilty, dude.

- Not guilty.

Not guilty, dude.

Very well.

Your court date will be set for...

three weeks from today...

dude.

- ( bangs gavel )

- Next.

Hey-- hey, don't worry.

I've done all the research.

I think I can convince

the judge to drop the charges.

See?

Karl, your shoes don't match.

Oh, f***!

I hope the judge didn't notice.

Oh sh*t.

I've gotta get back to work.

Archibald's gonna be on my ass.

Uh, bye.

I'll see you later, Hogan.

Ah!

Ha-ha! Hee-hee!

Think he was

a wise choice for an attorney?

- He's a free choice.

- Yeah.

See, it won't close.

That's the problem.

- So how are you?

- Good.

Yeah, I'm moving in

with Amanda this weekend.

- Really?

- Yeah.

She's been really supportive.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

- Is that really what you want?

- I don't know, Hogan.

I need to go to law school

and get something going with my life.

- Yeah, well--

- Yeah.

Bye, Hogan.

( cheering on TV )

Hey, Karl.

Hey.

Another one of those

in the freezer?

Yeah, the Salisbury steak,

it's all yours.

Nice distance.

So did the three-headed monster give you

any sh*t about taking a long lunch?

- ( beeps )

- Karl:
No.

There was other stuff going on.

What other stuff?

What, they know--

they know you're a member?

- No.

- What?

No way. They know about you

and Archibald's wife?

No, they know about you

and Conrad's wife.

- Shut up.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I heard him say

he's gonna divorce her,

and then he spent the rest

of the day trying to find out

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