Cougar Club Page #8

if you owned a car.

And when he found out

you didn't,

he said it was a good thing,

'cause if you did, he'd find it,

plant a bomb in it,

and quote,

"blow you beyond

dental records."

He said that?

- Uh-huh.

- ( laughs )

Well, that's a f***ing bona fide

terrorist threat,

punishable by like, 25 years.

I don't know. I could look it up.

I don't know.

Think you could get him

to say it again?

I don't know.

No, I know you don't know, but if I sent

you in there with a body wire,

you could provoke him into

repeating it, couldn't you, Karl?

Oh God. I don't know.

I mean--

you know what?

Okay, I want to, but l--

Karl, don't help me, okay?

F*** me,

this is about the club.

Where would you be without the club,

Karl? I'll tell you where you'd be:

You're be f***ing files

Q through R.

Don't go back there.

The paper cuts haven't even

healed yet, have they?

No. Come on.

From the top rope, baby.

Top ropes.

Yes!

- ( knocks on door )

- Stack:
Come in!

Uh, hello, Mr. Stack.

- Mr. Conrad, Mr. Archibald.

- ( curtain remote beeping )

What do you want, douche bag?

May l...

you know...

How do you-- how do you do this?

I don't know.

- Ah-- oh!

- ( door closes )

All right, there we go.

Hmm, um...

I just couldn't help but hear

your conversation yesterday about

Marshall Hogan and how he,

you know,

did stuff with your wife.

What did you say about my wife?

You don't understand!

- ( squealing )

- Huh? I will rip your dick off

and shove it up your ass!

You hear me, you scrawny little bastard?

No, I'm on your side.

Let's hear what

the butt-licker has to say.

( feedback )

- Speak, Karl.

- Okay.

Well... I saw him this morning.

So I couldn't help but notice

that he had--

he was driving

this '91 convertible Camaro

that was red. And so I said,

you know, "Hey, nice car."

And he said, you know,

"Hell-- uh, thank you.

Yeah, it's brand new,

I just got it today."

So, on impulse,

I then took out my work pen--

which I brought back--

and I wrote down

his license plate number

while he was driving away,

because you said

that if he owned a car,

you would--

oh darn, what was it?

What-- what did you say?

I ca-- I can't remember.

I said I'd put a bomb in it

and blow him up beyond dental records.

Get to the f***in' point, Karl!

I just thought you should know

that he owns a car now.

And that...

this is his...

Iicense plate number

and current address.

How nice of you, butt-licker.

- Way to look out for the team.

- Oh.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Stack.

- Yes.

- Hey, sh*t turd?

Why so forthcoming?

Uh-oh. Uh, well,

you know, my mom,

she used to cheat on my father

- constantly.

- F***ing slut.

No, she--

okay, all right, yeah.

She-- and I want, uh...

I don't want anyone to have to

suffer that kind of indignity,

be it you, Mr. Stack, or Mr. Conrad,

or for that matter,

Mr. Archibald.

So... ah!

Ah! Ow, oh!

Conrad:

Go f*** yourself, Karl!

Thank you.

That's lunch.

All-you-can-eat sushi,

strip bar.

In.

Thanks for letting us

use your car.

I promise, bomb squad'll reverse

anything before it explodes.

Oh, that's okay, baby.

I'm just glad

I could be of some help.

That's my Gladys.

It's good to see you.

You too, Marshall.

Now, no bombs have

been promised here, okay?

I just delivered

the information.

There's no guarantee

they're gonna use it at all.

I mean, the whole threat

can be a threat, and--

- holy sh*t!

- ( tires screech )

F***! They're here.

They're here. F*** f***!

Look at this, f***!

Oh my f***ing God.

My God. Oh my...

Look at that f***ing-- look.

- Holy sh*t.

- Stack:
Go go go.

Karl:

Oh my God. I am gonna sh*t my pants.

Oh!

No, Lord! They meant it!

They actually meant it!

( Hogan whispers )

Shh! Of course they meant it.

You ever see what happens to people

in the divorce who aren't their clients?

- Now calm your sh*t down.

- Gladys:
There are two of them.

No no no, I think

that one's a monkey or something.

You think it's Mr. Stack

and Mr. Conrad?

- They might have hired people.

- Circus people.

Yeah.

Oh, they're highly organized.

( sirens wailing )

( guns cocking )

Freeze, you little freak!

- ( all sigh )

- They got 'em.

- You're going down!

- ( laughing )

I swear to God

I'll blow your brains out!

( Dolly mumbles )

Ah!

Hey, don't move there!

I had no--

l-- I didn't call them.

Oh yeah, that's the baby.

- Don't do it!

- Down down down down down!

Gun down! Right now!

- ( tears )

- Sh*t!

Mommy.

- Down down down down down!

- Ah!

Down down down down down!

Amanda:

Spencey, will you get that?

I'm on the phone

with the wedding planner.

Hold on a second, Rita.

Spence?

I thought he didn't

have our address.

- Please, just--

- I want him gone.

- Okay.

- I mean it!

- Okay!

- Sorry. Mom gave me the address.

I... figured she would.

Hi.

Thanks. Oh.

- Really?

- Yeah.

She's thrilled.

It's really--

it's a dream come true.

- Well, congratulations, Spence.

- Thanks.

Red roses? No no, nobody said

anything about red roses.

I want perfect white calla lilies.

Write it down!

- And I'm going to law school.

- Really? That's great.

Yeah, Baker accepted me a while ago,

so I'm gonna go.

I mean, it's not Yale,

but hey, my dad understands

- and Amanda's all for it.

- Yeah.

Well, I'll get out of you two

lovebirds' hair in just a minute,

but l-- I just wanted

to see your face

when I showed you this.

( whispers )

No way.

And get--

get this--

they searched Conrad's desk.

They found one

of our Cougar Club folders.

Those bastards knew about

our extravaganza all along.

The whole thing was a setup.

Oh my gosh.

What does Karl say?

Well, in light

of what's happened,

he's arranged a little meeting

with Judge Emerson

to review our case.

And he wants to talk with us right now.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Hey, I'll call you back.

Hi. Hey.

- Hey.

- Where the hell are you going?

I... just gotta go meet my lawyer.

With him?

- Well, yeah.

- l...

Spence, I thought

we talked about this.

If you want to be married to me,

then no more Hogan--

permanently!

( mutters )

F*** you, b*tch.

( chuckling )

- Oh.

- ( Amanda chuckles )

Mwah!

I'm sorry, Amanda.

I mean, l-- I never even

asked you to marry me.

Here.

Wait.

But wait, Spence, but--

you complete me!

- God, I almost did that, didn't l?

- Yeah.

Shake it off, brother. The bullet

to the forehead's been dodged.

Spence! Come back! Ahh!

So what's the deal

with this judge?

Margaret Emerson.

You saw her at the plea hearing.

She's a nasty one,

real ball-breaker type.

But when she heard about

the recent arrest at the law firm,

the almost-certain setup

at the hotel,

she seemed intrigued.

- Oh.

- ( stomach growling )

Oh sh*t.

Excuse me, I've gotta--

um, you know what?

If she comes in,

just tell her I'll be right back, okay?

- ( Karl farting )

- Karl, man.

That's coming

from your anal cavity.

Just take an orange pill,

it's in the briefcase.

No, that's okay.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes