Crash Page #4

You wanna know what I heard?

I heard it was a case

of uncontrollable flatulence.

You want me to say

he has flatulence?

Not him. You.

You have uncontrollable flatulence.

You're too embarrassed to ride with anybody

else so you're requesting a one-man car.

I'm not...comfortable with that,

Lieutenant.

I wouldn't be either. Which is why

I understand your need for privacy.

Just like I'm sure you understand how hard

a black man has to work to get to,

say, where I am, in a racist f***ing

organization like the L.A. P D.

and how easily

that can be taken away.

Now, that being said,

it's your decision.

You can put your career and mine on the line

in pursuit of a just cause,

or you can admit to having

an embarrassing problem

of a personal nature.

F***.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Sir?

You finished?

I replaced the lock.

But you got a real problem with that door.

You fix the lock?

Nah, I replaced the lock.

But you gotta fix that door.

- Just fix the lock!

- Sir, sir, sir. Listen to me.

What you need

is a new door.

- I need new door?

- Yeah.

Okay. How much?

I don't-- Sir, you're gonna have to call

somebody that sells doors.

You try to cheat me, right?

You have a friend that fix door?

Nah, I don't have a friend

that fix doors, bro.

Then go and fix the f***ing lock, you cheater.

You-- You know what?

Why don't you just pay for the lock

and I won't charge you for the time.

You don't fix the lock!

I pay! You think I'm stupid?

You fix the f***ing lock,

you cheater!

- I'd appreciate if you'd stop calling me names.

- Then fix the f***ing lock!

I replaced the lock!

You gotta fix the f***ing door!

You cheat!

You f***ing cheater!

- Fine. Don't pay.

- What?

- Have a good night.

- What? No. Wait!

Wait! You come back here!

You fix the lock!

Come here! You fix my lock!

Fix the f***ing lock!

I understand. You run over a Chinaman.

Stuff him in the back.

Then bring the truck here

so I can share in the experience.

Come on, man. It's a little bit of blood.

It'll wash right off.

- Georgie, burn this thing.

- Burn it?

It's a brand-new Navigator.

All you need is a little piece of carpet.

You watch the Discovery Channel?

- Not a lot.

- They got some good sh*t on that channel.

Every night there is a show

with somebody shining a blue light

and finding tiny specks of blood splattered

on carpets and walls and ceiling fans,

bathroom fixtures and special-edition plastic

Burger King tray cups.

The next thing they show is some stupid

redneck in handcuffs

who looks absolutely stunned

that this is happening to him.

Sometimes the redneck is actually watching

the Discovery Channel

when they break in to arrest him.

And he still can't figure out how on earth

they could've caught him!

Do I look like I wanna be

on the Discovery Channel?

No.

Then get the f***

outta my shop.

Oh, yeah, make sure

you get that.

Without him, things could've gone really

f***ing wrong tonight.

- F***!

- Don't! Don't you dare.

Don't.

Graham Waters.

No. No, he's not here, Mom.

I'm not gonna go looking for him.

Look, he'll be home when--

Just leave it alone.

Mom, I can't talk to you right now, okay?

I'm having sex with a white woman.

Okay, where were we?

I was white, and you were

about to jerk off in the shower.

Oh, sh*t!

Come on.

I would've said you were Mexican, but I don't

think it would've pissed her off as much.

Why do you keep everybody

at a certain distance, huh?

- What, you start to feel something and panic?

- Come on, Maria.

You're just pissed

'cause I answered the phone.

That's just where

I begin to get pissed.

I mean, really, what kind of man

speaks to his mother that way?

Oh, this is about my mother.

What do you know about my mother?

If I was your father,

I'd kick your f***ing ass.

Okay. I was raised badly.

Why don't you take your clothes off,

get back into bed and teach me a lesson?

You want a lesson? I'll give you a lesson.

How 'bout a geography lesson?

My father's from Puerto Rico.

My mother's from El Salvador.

Neither one of those is Mexico.

Ah. Then I guess the big mystery is

who gathered all those

remarkably different cultures together

and taught them all how

to park their cars on their lawns?

Pop, you okay?

If I could piss, I'd be okay.

I'm-- Jesus.

I'm done now.

Give me a hand.

Wait a goddamn minute!

- Wait a minute.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right. Okay. Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

Stop, stop!

- I gotta go back.

- Okay.

What, are you gonna

stand there and stare at me?

- So Conklin just shot him?

- Mm-hmm.

- They know each other?

- Sir.

It's a grudge thing?

Not as far as we can tell.

You think this is

racially motivated?

Well, a dozen people heard the shots.

Nobody saw anything.

- Who do we have on it?

- Graham Waters.

Waters. All right. Well, tell him

he speaks to no one but me.

Call a press conference for 4:.00,

and I want Waters here at 3:.30.

And would someone

please find Flanagan.

Oh! What up, Mo Phat?

Man robs purses from old ladies and you,

"Hey, how's it goin', Mo Phat??"'

That n*gger will steal teeth

from a cripple, man.

You callin' him a thief?

And we do what?

The man steals

from black people.

Only reason black people steal from their own

is 'cause they terrified of white people.

Oh, man, please.

Think about it. Sherman Oaks.

Burbank. Santa Monica.

All scary-ass places

for a brother to find himself.

Drop Mo Phat at a Starbucks

in Toluca Lake,

that n*gger will run like a rabbit soon

as somebody say "decaf latte."

What the f*** did you do to my car?

Sorry I take your car, Miss Jean.

I turn key to my car, but nothing.

James wanted to take this to school.

But I don't want the kids to fight over it.

- Are these clean or dirty?

- All clean, senora!

You know, Maria, just once I would like to

wake up and find these dishes in the cabinet.

Si, senora.

No problem.

I'm startin' to understand now.

By your work, you're settin' an example

for our neighborhood.

Sort of like a big brother

kind of thing, right?

Yeah, you laugh, man.

But you have never seen me steal

from a black person ever in your life.

What the hell do you think

you doin' right now, man?

Wavin' down the bus.

Put your hand down, dawg!

Are you outta your mind?

You actually expect me

to get on a bus?

No. I was hopin' we could

push your car across town.

You know why? 'Cause we just don't

do stuff like that no more.

You have no idea, do you?

You have no idea why they put them great big

windows on the sides of buses, do you?

- Why?

- One reason only.

To humiliate the people of color

who are reduced to ridin' on 'em.

I didn't know that.

You could fill the Staples Center

with what you don't know.

You know the Kings

are playin' tonight.

You don't like hockey! The only reason

you say you do is to piss me off!

I love hockey.

Cut! Print. Moving on.

Okay, that takes us into scene 1 2.

Okay, that takes us into scene 1 2.

Jamal, that's what

I'm talking about.

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