Crash Pad Page #4

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If a fat guy diets, exercises,

takes vitamins

two weeks out of the year,

does that necessarily make

him a healthy person?

I get your point.

So how come you're not out

there closing some ass?

How? Where? I hate going out.

I hate going to bars.

The music's always so loud.

I can barely hear myself speak,

let alone the lady

I'm trying to connect with.

So it becomes this

choreographed routine

of two people just leaning into each

other all night, saying, "what?"

"What? What? What?"

Well, that's your problem.

Bars are not made for talking.

That's why the music is so loud.

You only need to be concerned

about two questions,

"what are you drinking?"

And, "where are we humping?"

Could you see that on a t-shirt?

I just made that up.

Unfortunately, yes, I can

see that on a t-shirt.

Are you okay to drive?

No. Definitely not. Get in.

What if you woke up

and you were 15 again?

The funny thing is,

I don't feel that way anymore.

Oh... that was

a delightful bubble bath.

Whose Mr. bubble is this?

Who else lives here

apart from you?

I thought it might've been

your old roommate's.

No, when people move out,

they bring their Mr. bubble.

That's how it works.

Oh, well, you're out

of Mr. bubble.

What?

Jesus Christ,

that was a new bottle.

You're only supposed

to use a capful. A capful!

It really smelled good,

so I just kept pouring it in.

What are you watching?

Ah. It's Dawson's creek.

Is this VHS?

Yup. I have every episode recorded

I got them on eBay from

this woman in Delaware.

She sent them in this awesome

casket she made, too. Look.

Seriously,

what is this show about?

It's about

an ambitious young man

named Dawson leery

and his friends

as they learn all about love and

life in capeside, Massachusetts.

Romantic entanglements and

growing pains are aplenty.

You are going to love it.

That sounds like the worst f***ing

TV show I've ever heard of.

No. Yeah.

We're not watching this.

Come on, find a sporting event

or something with car crashes.

Do you bite off

Morgan's head like this

every time she wants to watch

her favorite programming?

We don't watch

television together.

Never? No.

I always thought

the best part of marriage

would be settling in every night

to watch television

with your life partner.

You know, making fun of

the weatherman's hair,

shouting out answers

during family feud.

Not even top chef?

No, not even top chef,

whatever the f*** that is.

We have jobs,

and we work most nights.

That's sad.

What would you know

about it, stensland?

Get me the Doritos

and a tumbler of scotch.

Come on, come on, come on.

We don't have tumblers.

I'll put it in a jelly jar.

You don't have

jelly jars either.

I threw them all out

this morning.

God damn it.

Hey, that's a muumuu knock. You

want me to grab that, roomie?

No, I'll get it.

Sorry, we'll keep

the f***ing noise...

Good, you're alive.

What are you...

Grady said he was coming over here

to kill you last night, so...

You were worried about me.

No, I was worried

about instigating a murder.

Good night.

Hey, stens! I'm very high,

and I cannot feel my feet.

Grady! Oh, sh*t!

Whoa, what are you

doing here, man?

Um, you said you were going to

come here and kill him last night.

She was worried about me.

I was not worried

about you, okay?

What are you doing here?

I thought you checked into

the Sorrento last night.

Nope. Nope,

I live here now, woman.

What?

That's a joke, right?

No.

Stensland and I have bonded

over the mutual hatred of you.

Oh, well, "hatred"

is a strong word.

See, unlike you

and your sisterhood

of catty, hair-pulling harpies,

men can move past their

mistakes and form a fellowship.

A creed, if you will.

That's why we run the world.

Oh, and what an honorable job you

frat d*ckheads are doing, thank you.

Morgan,

I don't hate you, per Se.

I'm just very upset... Wait a second.

Wait a second.

You said she lied to you

and broke your heart,

and you're going

to stand over there

and kiss her ass like

you owe her something.

Shut up. Grow some

balls, stensland.

Stop it, Grady!

F***ing do it! Fine!

Morgan, I'm really

f***ing pissed at you!

You're very pretty,

but you're a liar!

Get a load of this, sister.

Me and this fella right here, we're

taking a long Morgan vacation,

and if you don't like that,

then you can just head out

and find yourself

another boy toy!

Yeah. High-five that sh*t.

Oh, this is so twisted,

even for you.

Is it? Okay, you know what?

Just so you know,

it's not lost on me

how insulting

this must be for you

that I cheated on you

with this child over here.

Don't mind me, Morgan,

I'm just standing right here.

Will you just shut up?

All right.

Please? Just shut...

Sorry. Yeah.

I'll stop talking right now.

You talk too much.

Okay. Stop.

What was my next move

supposed to be, Grady?

I told you that

we were losing touch,

that I needed more from you,

and you ignored me.

You blew off therapy, you

drifted further away from me.

I mean, what is someone supposed to

do when they're wandering around

in the emotional equivalent

of the Atacama desert, huh?

Or starving for affection like

some Brazilian street orphan?

Is this BBC world news?

Oh, Jesus, f*** you.

Just f*** you.

This is our marriage, Grady.

We need to sit down,

and we need to talk, okay?

But I am not doing it here.

So please go get your stuff,

and let's go.

No.

Sorry.

I'm going to stay here

with stensland

and watch an episode

of Darren's stream.

That'd be Dawson's creek.

You do that.

Jesus. What's with

her cheap shots?

Aw, forget it.

You told her off like a man.

Didn't that feel good?

No, it exhausted me.

I'm going to go

to bed for a few days.

What are you talking about?

It's not even 10:00.

I mean, the pubs are

crawling with young bug.

We've got to get out there,

we've got to get some.

I've got to cash in

a "bang some strange" card.

No. Yes.

No. Oh, yes. Come on.

Stensland says no!

Two double black labels

on the rocks, please.

You got it. Thank you.

First prospect on the board.

Bartenders flirt for tips,

they can't be prospects.

Oh, come on.

Dogs beg for milk-bones, but

they still wanna hump your leg.

Now then,

in scouting for a prospect,

you've got to take in

the whole field.

You know what

a baseball scout is, right?

I'm Irish, not Amish.

Good. That's good.

I knew you'd be good at this.

There you go, boys. Thank you.

Keep that tab wide open.

Giddyup.

See?

Tonight we're muff scouts.

I know, it lacks wit,

but it's real.

So, when we're scouting quail,

what are we looking for?

Body, face, what else?

Intelligence,

sense of self, fashion.

No! That's the pink

part of your brain

that allows you

to enjoy Dawson's creek.

The end game is to get 'em nude,

sans fashion,

so it's never a factor.

But what is a factor

is personality.

And it's as easy to spot

as a panty line.

Are they laughing?

Are they smiling?

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