Crash Pad Page #5

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Are they giving off

any indication

that they're having a good time,

or that they're eager

to have a good time with you?

Many of them are going to be

wearing this precious little smile

that says, "hey, please,

please come talk to me."

I know that little smile.

Of course you do,

you f***in' animal.

That's why they're drinking here

and not at home alone

with their kitty cats.

Now then, survey the showroom,

pick out a model,

take her for a sex drive.

And for the sake of Christ,

keep drinking the rocket sauce.

Hey! Hey.

What kind of drink is that?

It's a Harlem mugger.

What?

A Harlem mugger!

Oh! What's in it? Racism?

No, no, it's got vodka, gin,

white rum, Tequila, champagne,

and a little cranberry juice.

Always gets me shitfaced.

Oh, my god.

What's a lovely girl

like you doing

with a horrible drink like that?

Are you a bootlegger?

No, no.

I ordered it because it smells

just like this anti-fungal shampoo

I used to wash my pony with.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah, Gingerbelle.

I couldn't decide between the

names Gingerbread and Clarabelle,

so I combined them. Gingerbelle!

That's interesting. I

loved her so much.

Aw, gingerbelle had this fungal

skin infection called "rain rot"

and on warm nights, I used to

snuggle up with her in the barn,

and then the bacteria from her

infection spread onto me.

I still can't grow hair

in my left armpit or half

my pubic region, but...

Bye.

Bye!

So the guy goes, "hey, who

put the baby in the dryer?"

Excuse me, miss?

Oh, man. Be right back.

What are you doing here?

Ugh, it's not gonna happen.

I got talking to a girl,

but she was into animals.

Really?

Not like that.

Before I even got her name,

she tells me about this pony she

caught a bacterial infection from.

Yeah, that's rain rot.

How do you know that?

I was in 4-H when I was a kid.

Look, it's nothing.

It just makes you shed.

It's no big deal.

Go back out there and just

casually bring up your penis.

This is pathetic.

You do realize

there's not a lady here

who can hold a candle

to your wife, right?

Stensland!

Don't bring her up again.

Get away from me.

Everything okay here? Yeah.

Can I get

another double, please?

Oh. And a shot of Tequila.

The shittiest, cheapest

Tequila that you have.

Hi.

Hi.

Can you get the f*** up

and off my $700 jacket?

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Just give it! Sorry.

Just watch where the f*** you

sit next time, dick face.

"Dick face"? Jesus Christ.

Why don't you tell your whore to

watch where she drops her sh*t?

Oh.

No, I didn't say that,

he said that.

No. No, I didn't. What?

Listen, drink this, 'cause you're

gonna need it in about five minutes.

Who'd you call a whore,

motherf***er?

I believe he's referring to her,

and, uh, he also

bet me a fish taco

that he'd have her blowing him

in the men's room by last call.

What the f*** are you doing?

That is confidence.

Oh, f***! Okay.

Outside, right now.

B*tch. "B*tch"?

B*tch. "B*tch"? Jesus.

Don't ever bring up a man's wife

when you're on bush

patrol with him, okay?

You couldn't deal

with a pony snuggler,

and you dragged me

down with you,

and that has consequences.

Consequences that apparently

mean my death, a**hole!

Thanks a bunch! You're welcome.

God damn it!

Let's do this, p*ssy!

I can't believe you did this. He's

gonna put me in the hospital.

You know what,

you pissed me off,

but now I feel

a little shitty about it

because that f***ing guy's huge.

He's a giant.

Do you know what? Aside from all

that, you need this, stensland.

Oh, I need this? Yes.

Violence is good for a guy.

It'll cure you of the desire to watch

Dawson's creek every day. Right?

Hey, it's an award-winner!

Best drama,

teen choice awards! Twice!

Use that anger.

You've been bullied

your whole life, stensland.

Do something about it.

Put every prick's face that you ever

dealt with on that prick's face.

You just shut up and leave me alone.

Good.

Let do this, punk!

F***! Nice shot.

All right. Proceed.

This will all end very soon.

Come on, stens.

Hey, freshman dork.

Look at those b*tch hips!

Make good handles

for your boyfriend, huh?

Oh!

Keep 'em up. Get 'em up.

You either get giddy

about the antique furniture,

or get giddy in

the unemployment line.

Come on, Stensy.

You're a child, stensland.

A mistake.

I could never

be your girlfriend.

Keep fighting! I did it!

Stensy?

Stensland!

Mmm...

Hello, Dolly.

Why do I have

Wilford Brimley's mustache?

Stensland, you punched me

in the face.

You felt that? I thought

it was only pretend.

Whoa.

What's your assistant doing

in the Swiss alps?

Care for a schmoke, stensland?

Man, she's wearing

the sh*t out of those hosen.

Come, stensland. Ja, is good.

Schmoke-ity,

schmoke-ity, schmoke-ity.

Hmm. Ja, is good.

I wanted a schmoke.

Grady, you piece of sh*t.

And for some reason,

she had two goats.

You're drooling jam.

Okay. Okay.

So, we lived together

for three years,

and by far the most scandalous

thing I ever saw you do was

roll the dice on some

expired pudding cups

you found in the

back of the fridge.

A gamble I lost, if you remember.

I do.

Yet, in the 48 hours

since I moved out,

you blackmailed your mistress,

you had a gun

stuck in your face,

you let your mistress's

husband move in,

and you fist-fought a man

twice your size in an alley?

Yes.

Why didn't you unleash any of

this radness when I was there?

None of this is radness, Lyle.

I need this guy out of my place.

No, it's all radness, man. Adventure

is erupting all around you.

And I'm hating it. No. No, you

don't realize you're loving it.

Soldiers go to war,

and they hate it,

yet it's all they talk about

when they get back.

I'm a prematurely

old man who wants

nothing more than

a comfortable place to sit

and a diet root beer

to enjoy the silence with.

I can't deal with all this.

You remember final destination

and its subsequent sequels?

The teenagers cheated death,

and then death came

after them to finish the job?

Great movie. Yeah.

I think you cheated youth

in your 20s

by denying yourself sex, and reckless

behavior, and fun in general.

Now fun's come back

to claim your soul,

and it's come in the form

of a middle-aged pervert.

What if I outwit fun?

Perform the old switcheroo to

defend my geriatric way of life.

No, no, you can't

outwit fun, man.

Especially when you're broke,

and fun's paying the rent.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Sh*t!

Hannah!

What are you doing down there?

Did you find a penny?

No. I'm hiding

from an annoying a**hole.

Oh.

Listen, I just want to

apologize for the other day.

I had my panties

in a pretty tight bunch.

I brought another apology

in the form of a warm scone.

A scone?

Yeah, it's from the

German term "schonbrot."

Speaking of the old country,

do you happen to have

any Germanic breeding

or own a pair of exotic

lederhosen, by chance?

Nice eye shadow.

Oh, yeah, this is just a shiner

from a drunken

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