Crash Pad Page #6

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Duke-out I had last night.

You did? Yeah.

Wow. You know,

that's really sexy.

Really?

It's the weirdest thing. I'm seeing

you in this whole new light.

Well, you should see

the other guy. He's fine.

I kind of want you.

Really? No. Go away.

Oh.

Listen...

I'm coming up to see Morgan.

Can't you just leave her alone?

She had me out drinking until

2:
00 in the morning last night,

ranting and raving

over the sick mind game

that you and Grady are playing.

You two jackoffs

are f***ing up my sh*t now.

Have you tried smoking

pot to cool down?

It helps me unwind when I'm

stressed out, like you are now.

Plus, it really increases my

orgasm when I masturbate.

Oh. Oh, my god.

You remind me...

Of a girlish Tilda Swinton?

I get that all the time.

No, of a rash I picked up

in south America.

Headache, nausea,

made my skin crawl.

Sounds like the symptoms of love-sickness.

Maybe I'm growing on you.

You couldn't grow on me with all

the seeds and soil in the world.

Eh. Could you

tell Morgan I'm here?

She's in a meeting.

Please. We need

to talk about Grady.

Thanks for staying late, guys.

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Hello.

Ooh. Caramel macchiato.

Excellent choice.

Do you want me in on this?

Actually, yes. I do want the

restraint of a witness present.

Hmm, I'd prefer

a private sitdown,

so if you don't mind, Hannah.

Is he really living with you?

Yes, he even went

grocery shopping.

He's f***ing unbelievable.

You want to know what else he's doing?

No. What?

Hitting on strange girls,

trying to have sex with them.

Gross, charmless creatures,

not even in your evolutionary

strain, let alone your league.

No, he isn't. Yes, he is!

Okay, relax.

We went out last night

"muff scouting."

His despicable words, not mine.

Okay, enough.

Do you really want

to stay with this man?

A man who'd use your infidelity

as nothing more than a...

Okay, will you stop?

..."Wham, bam, ram another

ma'am for free" card?

Okay, yeah, enough.

Out. Out, go.

Step inside my new kind of love!

Go! Go home to your boyfriend.

You need weed very badly.

Auf wiedersehen, loser!

German? I knew it.

Where are you going?

I'm going to see Grady.

I mean, I screwed this up,

but it's his fault, too.

No, Morgan...

He can't act like this, okay?

He should be

fighting for me, for us.

You would just be

wasting your breath.

He is a brain-damaged ape.

They all are.

As soon as they get a head full of

steam, they're impossible to control.

So, just let him beat

his chest, wag his dick,

whatever else he needs to do to

start thinking clearly again.

He will come

crawling back, I promise.

Now, come on. Worry about you.

Worry about this pitch.

I don't pay you enough, do I?

No, you don't.

Let's remember that.

There he is. You ready for

round two there, slugger?

It's ladies' night

at a whiskey bar downtown.

No, no. My head is still

throbbing from last night.

That's evidence of an excellent

two-fisted outing. Congrats.

No, I was hoping

we could stay in,

you know, put some ice cubes in the

bong shaft for a nice cool smoke,

order some Thai, maybe hit up

some easy listening on Pandora.

Come on, buddy, that sounds like

a f***in' baby shower

in Portland.

We're not gonna

get laid like that.

Let's get a little pre-party buzz

going before the uber arrives.

Listen, I know you're on

vacation and everything,

but just because I agreed

to room with you

doesn't mean that I also agreed

to a nightly rat pack tribute.

I'm staying in tonight.

You're gonna do what I say,

and that is that

we're going out.

You're not the boss of me.

"Stopbullying.gov." visit it.

You know what I've got in here?

The private number

of every police chief

and circuit judge in the county.

Big whoop.

How do you think

those people would feel

about your attempt to blackmail

my wife for $15,000?

Yeah, that's not good for you.

Here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna get dressed.

No hoodies, no sneakers, no

disturbingly tight shorts.

I want my wingman

to look like a real man.

So I make the mistake

of dressing as sexy gumby

to my Halloween office party,

and I'm hiding in this room

because my drunk, douchey boss is

always wanting to f*** me and stuff.

So Grady finds me all upset

in the xerox room,

and he just gives me

this pep talk, you know?

Like, about quitting my job,

and about opening my own firm,

and just f***ing getting

life by the balls, you know?

So, five minutes later,

my f***er boss gooses my ass,

so I pick up

this bowl of hummus,

and I just smash it over the

f***er's head. Seriously.

Grady was so great

at the police station.

I mean, he stood

by my side, he got me off,

and then, you know,

he got me off.

And, you know, we've just

been together ever since.

He asked if you wanted

chicken on your nachos.

That's not what I heard.

Oh, Jesus, what is this?

It smells like a dead body.

Maccoinnich. What?

Quadruple-distilled. Drink it.

Oh, my god, it's burning me.

It's burning everything.

92% alcohol.

It's what Scottish priests would drink

whenever they were constipated.

Here, do another.

I don't really want

to do another one.

The second one is better. Is it?

Do it.

That actually makes me...

Oh, my god, it's worse.

Yeah. It's killing all the

tumors in your throat right now.

You all right? Yeah.

Come on. Drink another.

I mean, we're...

Down the haggis hole.

Yeah!

Hey. You wanna talk?

Who brought a cat?

How long was I out?

About an hour.

Is it midnight yet?

No, it's 9:
30.

Come on, keep drinking.

I believe it was Hemingway

who once wrote,

"no man is truly

a man till he vomits"

"behind big Jim's

pancake house."

Let's go, grandpa,

f*** or fight?

Those are hurtful words, Jerry.

You know, I bluffed the da when

I had your charges dropped,

but I'm not bluffing today.

Look at that.

Hey, wait a second.

Where the f*** is everybody?

Stensland.

She's left him.

Grady, let me in!

Grady!

Let me in!

Grady, please let me in!

I have had more alcohol

than oxygen for a week.

I can't wait to get home and

slip into my Jimmy-jammies.

Cabbie, campus and 27th.

Step on it.

What campus? Campus?

Stensland! Stensland! Stensland!

Stensland! Stensland! Stensland!

Stop it!

I said, shut up, god damn it!

What's wrong with you people?

Has the collegiate experience

become so dull in this country

that causing irreversible

harm to your bodies

with this binge drinking is

the only way to have a hoot?

This isn't fun!

This is sadomasochism!

Have you never heard

of board games?

Scattergories is a laugh riot!

Whatever happened

to spin the bottle

and kiss-chasing on the green?

You're all alcoholics.

You need to attend meetings!

Well, screw it,

I'm making a stand!

Let's put an end to these black

Sabbaths and brain damage!

Join me and say,

"we don't have to be party

animals to be cool!"

Let's make him drink

from the hobo's boot!

Yeah!

Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!

Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!

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