Crash Pad Page #7

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Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!

Hobo's boot!

Hobo's boot!

Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!

How did that boot taste, buddy?

Like homelessness in my mouth.

Why did you make them refill it?

We didn't have enough camera

coverage for the YouTube video.

Hey, it was the hit of the party.

You're gonna be a legend.

Please tell me you found your

"bang strange" lady tonight.

I didn't, I didn't,

but Bacardi's is hosting a

pool party tomorrow night.

There'll be fur-burgers

grilling all night long.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow night.

I don't... Come on. Come

on, watch your head.

Watch your head, watch your

head, watch your head.

You know what? We're going

to take a quick detour.

Uh...

When you hit this stop sign,

let's go to the right.

My tummy hurts.

Uh, we'd better get going.

Oh, god!

Uh, we need to turn around.

He fell out.

Where did I come from?

Thank you.

Stensland?

Oh...

Please don't be mean to me right now.

I'm hanging on by a thread.

What the hell

are you doing here?

I'm hiding from Grady.

At soft solutions?

Yeah. It's my favorite place.

It's clean, comfortable,

the staff are warm-hearted.

Stensy!

Hey, Brandon,

looking svelte, hombre.

They're so nice to me here.

Oh, god, you're weird.

Okay, well,

I'll leave you to it.

No, no, no, please don't go.

Come on. We need to talk.

Let's square our beef.

Come and check out the "casual

refinement" living room set, huh?

Seriously? Yeah.

There we go.

Take a deep breath, relax.

Let the comfort and

ambiance envelop you.

So, madam, what brings you

to soft solutions today?

Are you shopping for a new

home or just browsing?

None of the above.

Returning a hideous Moroccan

throw rug for Morgan.

God damn it. I picked

that out for her.

You did?

You met Morgan here?

Yeah. In decor enrichments.

God, she was so beautiful.

I was intimidated, to say the

least, but, I don't know,

I got brave, we started

talking, and we clicked.

I just wanted a girlfriend.

Aw.

Okay, listen, let me give you a

tip as your search continues.

Going psycho

and blackmailing a woman

isn't going to change her mind

about your boyfriend potential.

That's fair enough. Yeah.

You know she really

loves Grady, right?

Yeah, I know.

God, I can't wait to get

these people out of my life.

Then kick Grady out. I can't.

I'm a blackmailer, remember?

He could have me arrested.

I'm his kunta kinte until

he decides to set me free.

That's not gonna happen until he

balances the scales with Morgan

and gets his revenge schtup.

Okay, so then what are you doing

to help him on this

ridiculous mission?

Nothing. I hate going out.

I'm a total curmudgeon.

And a whiny little b*tch.

I wear pajama tops and

flip flops to nightclubs.

You have the social skills of a

truck driver with asperger's.

I'm a horrible wingman.

You're like

a colossal cockblocker.

Oh, my god.

Hannah.

I'm the reason Grady hasn't

pulled the dick trigger.

Good god, you're a genius.

You're just realizing this now?

Grady? Where are we

headed tonight?

I am parched for hootch!

Dear dumb-ass.

I have some work

to get done at the office.

Consider yourself on parole.

Love,

the motherf***er in charge.

Not on my watch, kemosabe.

Yeah, looking good, Stensy.

Keep the change, baby.

Get yourself something nice.

What was that?

It's checking out time.

What the f***

are you doing here?

Put that sh*t away. It's Thursday

night, weekend's already started.

Jesus Christ,

you look like sh*t.

Is that my

Rocco Richetti pinstripe?

Yeah. Fits like a condom, right?

All I'm saying is ladies' night

at the Trinity club

is already in progress.

Three floors of DJs, dancing,

and binge drinking.

You take all those ingredients,

put 'em in a muffin pan,

when they come out of the oven,

they're hot, sweaty,

and destined for regret.

Come on. Are we gonna settle

the score with Morgan or what?

Let's finish

what you f***in' started.

You know what? You're right.

F*** it. Let's do it.

Who is the ringleader? You're up!

You're up. You're up.

Who is the ringleader? You're up!

You're up! You're up!

Who is the ringleader? You're...

Wow. You guys live here? Yeah.

We've stripped away all the snobbery

of modern trendy furnishing

to create a streamlined

hidey-hole of purified partying.

We call it "beatnik chic."

Works for me. Cool.

Tequila! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

F***. I lasso

doublemint twins for us,

and you sit here like

a gassy infant? Come on!

What the f*** happened to you?

Burns so good, baby.

Ai! Yi-yi-yi-yi!

Was that a middle eastern war cry?

That was.

Where did that come from?

I don't know.

You get up off of your vagina.

You're embarrassing

yourself. Come on.

F***.

The next one's

for you, handsome.

Remember what we're doing here.

Thank you.

Are we too cray-cray

for you, Grady?

Yes.

You'll have to excuse my friend.

He gets bashful

around beautiful women.

Aw! Aw!

We need music. Yes!

Whoa... cool! Records,

just like my Nana's house.

The next shots are gonna

come out of my navel, boys.

Here, help me up, Stensy.

Ooh. Yeah.

I got it. Billy ocean!

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

You know, I don't think Billy

ocean is such a good idea.

Who's Billy ocean?

What's your problem

with Billy ocean?

I... I just react

strangely to his music, okay?

I just... I just have

an emotional relationship.

There's a lot of history there, okay?

So, don't put it on.

Hmm. You hear that, girls?

Stensland reacts strangely

to Billy ocean's music.

No, no, no, elaborate.

No, I don't really...

Come on! Please?

- No, no, no, because...

- Stensy...

Fine, fine, okay. It's...

It's kind of sappy, but, uh,

it's genuine stensland.

All right.

Amber Mcginnitty

was the prettiest

12-year-old in

the history of 12-year-olds.

She loved Billy ocean, and I

loved her, so I studied him.

He was everything I wasn't. Suave,

soulful, fashionable, black.

My mother made me a little

white suit just like Billy's.

I put it on, locked myself in my

bedroom, and danced to his jams.

And then I'd cry

and feel sorry for myself.

Oh...

Aw...

So, anytime I hear

the sounds of the ocean now,

it just puts me in mind

of Amber Mcginnitty.

Well, did you ask her out?

Yes, to the tropical para-dance.

And she said yes?

Oh! Oh...

Oh... ooh.

Oh, Stensy... Oh, that's nice.

Hey. Hey, hey. I would

hug you, too, but, um...

I've got a beverage

in my bellybutton.

Come on. Come on.

Um...

Suck me.

Do it. Suck her.

Go, Stensy!

Yeah, Stensy! Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

F***ing slut.

What?

I'm sorry.

Samantha is a f***ing slut.

You're nice, stensland.

It's just...

I kind of had

my heart set on Grady,

and f***ing b*tch

Samantha does it again!

She just sluts it up so early

that they can't even choose

when it comes

time to pick rooms,

and then I just always get

stuck with the, you know...

With the what?

With the dorky one?

With the pale and waifish pity case?

The goat boy?

The sad sack who only watches

programming intended for teen girls?

I'm sorry.

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