Crash Pad Page #8

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Oh, my god! This bathroom

is disgusting!

What?

Well, I did it last night.

You did what last night?

She was young

and quite gorgeous.

So, how's it feel?

It feels awful.

Is there anything else?

No.

I've got nothing else to say.

Well, then goodbye, Grady.

Goodbye.

Oh, hey.

Sorry about last night.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Hey, stensland.

Good morning, Michael.

Thank you. Okay.

Excuse me, can you help me?

I'm sorry,

I don't actually work here.

Are you Billy ocean?

Feelin' pretty blue,

huh, Stensy?

Deep blue, Billy.

I f***ed up, big style.

You sure did, my pale friend.

I indulged Grady's penis when it

was his heart that needed a hand.

Ah, this beach party

ain't over, Stensy.

It runs on island time.

What's track number six

off of love zone?

Track number six...

It's never too late to try.

Slip on a new pair

of boat shoes.

The world needs

your help, Stensy.

In fact, I need

your help right now.

You do? I do.

Where can I find me a love

seat impervious to cat pee?

What?

Do you know, young man?

I... wait, where did

your breezy suit go?

You're not Billy ocean.

Breezy suit? Focus, son.

I'm looking for a love seat

that won't stain

when my wife's crazy cat

takes a whizz on it.

Oh.

Yeah, uh, of course.

Well, the "home sweet home"

collection

has an optional

stain-resistant fabric.

Excellent.

Come right this way, sir.

Now, this textile has

the look and feel of cotton,

but totally kicks

blemishes to the curb.

Perfect. Does it

come in tropical print?

Morgan! Oh, jeez.

Did you eat all the bismarcks? There's

not gonna be enough for the clients.

I'm sorry. I'm a little

upside down right now.

Oh, Grady. Grady finally got

his revenge last night.

He what?

Oh...

Yep.

Who was it? I don't know,

but up in here, she looks like

Jessica rabbit, only sexier.

I'm sorry. You can't be

that surprised.

No, you're right, I'm not.

Can we look on the bright side?

We have more donuts?

No. Now,

in Grady's stubborn mind,

the scales have

finally been balanced.

He's shot his spiteful wad,

and we both know

what happens to guys

after they blow their load.

They get real.

It's too late

to get real, Hannah.

I mean, it is over. It is over

like smoking on planes is over.

I'm telling you, if he was

to walk in here right now

and get down on his knees

with the hope diamond,

I would not take him back.

F*** him.

F*** him and his...

His dreamy blue eyes.

Oh, god, I hope Judy in

accounting has mini-snickers.

Oh, hello there.

Just wanted to pay you

in advance for the kid's rent.

Just a couple of months.

Stensland.

Thank you.

Hey. You got a job?

Yeah, my new grindstone.

Well, you look sharp.

Thanks. Congratulations.

Where are you going?

Ah, get some work done, then

check into the four seasons.

I tormented you long enough.

You slept with Samantha,

I assume?

No, I didn't. I couldn't.

Well, you know,

the heart pumps blood

into the penis,

but when that heart is broken...

Oh, god, give me a break.

...The penis...

My penis wasn't the problem,

dumb-ass.

And if you're so smart

about this stuff,

why did she f*** around

on me to begin with?

With you! I don't know.

Isn't marriage supposedly

harder than pole vaulting?

My parents lasted for four

years and threw in the sponge.

You and Morgan prevailed for 15.

But after 15 years of anything,

even something good is bound

to Fritz a little, right?

I don't know if it's been good

for a long time, stensland.

Whose fault is that,

do you think?

I'm sorry, but why don't

you just go home?

To Morgan.

You know she's sorry!

You are too!

Because everything

has changed, that's why.

No, look, your love

has just been tested.

Like Aladdin in

the cave of wonders,

or when wonka's golden ticket-holders

got everlasting gobstoppers.

You passed the test, Grady.

You still love each other!

Sometimes, you have

to lose somebody completely

before you can figure out

what they really mean to you.

Why don't you go

and tell her that?

I appreciate you caring.

It's not that simple.

Goodbye, stensland.

Your butch ego

is getting in the way

of your happiness, you a**hole!

You're really not going to her?

No, I am not going to her.

Okay. Well... I am.

You wanna know why she cheated on you?

The truth?

It's because of me.

I'm the romantic

and sensitive type of man

Morgan knows

she should've married.

All I had to do was pay her

one gooey compliment,

and those waterlogged

panties hit the floor.

Ker-splash.

Your wife is the finest piece

of ass and b*obs

I've ever tasted,

and I'm going right back

to her office, right now

to get me some more!

Son of a b*tch. Stensland!

My tongue is gonna be in her

vagina so long, it'll pickle!

I'm gonna make her go...

All over again!

Come on.

I'm gonna f***ing kill you.

You don't deserve her! I do!

I'm gonna bury you, dig you

up, and kill you again!

I'm killing you.

Hey, girls.

Sorry.

I owe you one.

No problem, sweetheart.

Stensland, you little prick!

Ooh.

Must be the husband.

I guess so.

Mm-hmm. I'd tap that.

Not now, muumuu!

Stensland!

Ooh!

Stay! Stay! Stay!

Stay! Stay, stay!

What the... those are

$2,000 pants, a**hole!

Morgan needs a fresh young buck,

not a bitter old Nelly!

F*** you!

Son of a b*tch.

What the hell do you want?

Stensland!

Hey! Hey!

Come back here, you little sh*t!

Son of a b*tch!

Where the f***...

Counselor? Tiny!

Carrot-top,

half-pants, which way?

Through the house. Want a knife?

No, I'm good. Thanks, tiny.

Re-draw hearing Tuesday! Judge's chambers!

Don't be late!

That's my lawyer.

I'm gonna put my Willy in her!

Son of a b*tch!

F*** you!

Die, f***er.

Taxi! Sorry.

So, where to, gentlemen?

Okay.

Going up, in her vagina.

You little b*tch.

So, what impact does traditional

earned media have

in the marketplace?

Well, I'm going to tell you.

Oh, sh*t.

Call the paramedics!

Now you're going to get

the ass-kicking you deserve.

Could you just free my windpipe?

No. I'm getting an erection.

Call security, please.

I'm really sorry,

everyone. Um...

I apologize.

We are going to have to reschedule this.

I'm so sorry.

So...

Okay, folks. I'll call you

tomorrow to reschedule. Thank you.

Sorry. The pitch

was blown anyway.

Thank you. Grady.

Hannah.

Four weeks, I've been working

on that presentation.

Morgan, he's come to apologize.

Wait, hang on.

Yes, you did, Grady.

Morgan,

you should've seen

how he reacted

when I told him I was coming

here to f*** you again.

He was transformed

into a violent love werewolf.

Cursed not by the bite

of another love wolf,

but by his ferocious, undying

love for you, his luminous bride.

This romance has teeth, people.

Your saga puts me in mind of

Napoleon and Josephine in many ways.

Despite adultery and...

Stensland.

Yeah? Oh.

Come on, Grady.

We wouldn't have

burst in like this

if I'd known that, you

know, the pitch was today.

Oh, but how would you have

known about this pitch?

It didn't involve you.

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