Crazy Kind of Love Page #2

All right.

I got your colon cleanse.

Let's ring you up, buttercup.

Awesome!

Let me know how it all goes.

With your colon and all.

Miss me?

You have no idea.

I think someone still owes me

a couple of orgasms.

I think that I like you a lot,

Bette Mack

I think you do, too

What would you like to do

with your life, Henry Iris?

That's a good question, Bette.

I think I would like to do this.

And that. Lots and lots of that.

Seriously.

What would I like to do

with the rest of my life?

I don't know. What would you like

to do with the rest of your life?

Well, I'd like to save

the whales, cure cancer...

and make lots and lots

of waffles.

I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to do yet.

I think I'd like

to figure it out with you.

Wow. I didn't know

anyone was down here.

- Who are you?

- I'm Henry's new girlfriend.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to scare you.

My mom tells me that

I scare her all the time.

Because I don't make any noise

when I move.

Maybe I should wear some bells.

I'm Bette, by the way. I'm

guessing you're Henry's mom.

Augusta.

Henry was saying that

you're having a bad time.

I didn't realize it was so bad.

I wasn't expecting

to see anybody.

Oh, my God. No. Don't apologize.

I'm the one who suddenly appears in

your kitchen at three in the morning.

My mom did the complete opposite

when my dad cut off on her.

She started wearing slutty

clothes, got her hair dyed...

her bellybutton pierced.

I think you're doing

the better thing.

You know? Freak out, right off

the top. Get it out of the way.

When my mom did hit bottom...

You are looking like a

supermodel compared to her.

Damn!

Just stay in bed

until the pain checks out.

It won't be long, though.

I can tell you're

on the upswing.

He forgot to take

his rabbit's foot.

Yeah, I know it's silly.

It's just a goddamn keychain.

But I think

he would've wanted it.

What's up with you

and this Bette chick?

How did you hear about that?

Small town. People talk.

Yeah, no sh*t.

Is she hot?

Yeah.

She's nice.

- Nice?

- She's nice.

Oh, my God. This is serious.

You're really into

this Bette girl.

Hey.

- What can I get you?

- I'll have a draft.

- There you go.

- Thanks.

Holy sh*t!

You sure have grown up,

haven't you?

Yeah. I guess.

I remember when you were the

pervy freshman in gym class...

trying to look up my shorts.

Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

I actually didn't mind.

I'm Janeen, in case you forgot.

I'll see you around, Henry.

Oh, my God. Dude, go get her.

- Nope.

- Oh, really?

Oh, my God. This is serious.

You really like this Bette girl.

Come on.

- Slow down.

- No, it's great!

Easy, old timer.

You slept out here?

Yeah.

I was waiting for Bette,

but she never came.

I think you should tell me if she's

going to be spending a lot of time here...

and if she is, I think we should

work out some kind of schedule.

Why do we need a schedule?

She's very disruptive.

What the f***

is there to disrupt?

This place was like a tomb

until you came home.

My God! My mother

is driving me crazy!

Why does she have luggage?

I cannot deal with her.

What happened?

Can I just stay here awhile?

Yeah. Of course you can.

Got you in the butt!

Got you in the butt!

Rise and shine!

Or maybe just sit up and

twinkle. No need to overexert.

Ta-da!

I don't watch TV.

It is never too late to start.

I would recommend you start

with a few talk shows...

then work your way up to a good,

healthy soap addiction.

Steamed kale? Really?

This is not depression food.

Matthew really needs

to get with the program.

We are in DEFCON 3, people!

You need Springer,

snack food, trash mags.

I'm gonna get some Cheetos.

You know why?

Today's goal is to be bloated

and brain-dead by noon.

I want you five pounds overweight

by the time I get home from work.

You know I live here now, right?

Okay.

What was your mom like?

Like, before?

She made me feel safe.

She came to all my games.

She cut my hair,

made brownies...

gave me advice.

Girl advice?

Aw, what girls?

You're the only girl I know.

I'm the best girl you know.

I just wish that you knew my mom

back when she was normal.

Your mom is plenty normal.

Being sad doesn't mean

you're crazy.

Being crazy means you're crazy.

Yeah?

What's the difference?

Trust me, once you've seen

crazy...

you never forget

what it looks like.

Ever.

Henry! It's time for work!

Your yard looks like sh*t,

amigo.

Yeah, well, talk to my dad.

He used to mow it.

I'm not going to pick up

his f***ing slack.

Henry?

Henry.

- How are you?

- I'm fine.

Is your mother still away?

She's home.

Okay. Well, if you need

anything, let me know.

Yeah.

You should probably take that

joint out of your pocket

before it burns your dick off.

Apparently...

every week on this show...

someone inexplicably comes down

with hypothermia...

and has to get naked with their

sworn enemy...

which they just happen to have

amazing sexual chemistry with...

in order to stay alive.

You're going to live!

Oh. Okay.

I find that rather...

convenient.

So...

it's my birthday.

It is?

I'm sorry, Matty.

I forgot.

No, it's just...

I was thinking about

those birthday hats

that you always

used to make me...

and I was thinking about how I

never appreciated them much...

and thought maybe I could've

been a nicer kid.

No.

I should've been

a better mother.

Oh, my God.

Your dad was kind of

a hippie when he was young.

Yeah, I guess.

That photo of him upstairs,

he's all normal and dad-like.

I wonder why people do that.

- Do what?

- Change.

Is that his art studio out back?

Yeah, it was his art studio.

Let's go check it out.

- No.

- How come?

Because I can think of about

a thousand better things to do.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Are we going to have a nooner?

I got to get all I can

while you can still stand me.

I'm so cold!

Marcos, don't let me die!

I will not let you die,

Francesca.

I saw some old pictures

of you downstairs.

You are hiding quite the rack

underneath that shirt.

Might want to think about letting

the ladies see the sun again someday.

Even the Bible says not to hide

your light under a bushel.

Let them out!

It's Matthew's birthday today.

Really?

And I forgot.

He had to tell me.

Hey, don't worry.

I will bake a cake,

light some candles

and sing out of tune,

all that good stuff.

How old is he?

He's 25.

Wow. He does not seem 25.

I know.

I'm on it. I got it. I got it.

She's insane.

Happy birthday!

Henry's bringing pizza home.

I told him to get veggie

for you,

so make sure you

come down for dinner.

Yes, I will do that.

Hey, I've got a girl for you.

You can thank me later.

She's a vegan, but not opposed

to candles made with animal fat.

And she really, really...

wants to meet you.

Iris, Henry. Two Vegetarians

and a Meat Lovers Deluxe.

Henry?

We met...

I know where we met.

I'm afraid I didn't make

a good impression.

I'm sorry about everything.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes