Cuban Fury Page #6

Don't.

Then what?

- Then what?

- I don't know!

So do the f***ing impression!

- Say hello to my little friend.

- Again.

- Say hello to my little...

- Again!

- Say hello to my...

- Again!

Say hello to my little friend!

- Al Pa-f***ing-cino

- Yes!

So... shall we go and dance

in front of the mirror?

Yeah.

Yes. That is time.

Get the shoulders. Loosen up.

That's it. Loosen up.

Roll those shoulders. Roll them.

Roll them. Roll them.

Arms of an eagle.

I said an eagle, not

a f***ing heron.

It is an eagle.

OK, try again. Legs of a stallion.

Arms of an eagle.

Go.

That's it. Work it out, Brucie.

Go on, Garrett.

Takes a lot of hard work

to make it look that easy.

- Mm.

- All right.

Think about it all the time.

Now, I know you're all waiting

for this particular model,

but as we say, better

lathe than never.

All right, so...

One, two, three, four...

- What is that?

- What?

- That's chicken stuff.

- It's reggaeton.

- Three, two, one and down.

- Ow!

- You all right?

- Ow.

I'm so sorry. Someone's coming.

Whoa, whoa! Room for a small one?

I have a question for you.

Well, I love questions.

So you like Latin music, huh?

- The mix tape.

- Oh, right, the mix, yes.

Oh, I am a Latino boy big

time, I am, music wise.

Thanks for listening to that.

It was a real labour of love for me.

That track at the end

of side one, oh...

Oh, shoot, that's the...

That's my favourite track.

- Isn't it just so er... tracky?

- It's so...

And, er, it's the best song that you

could put at the end of side one

- on a mix tape, like that.

- Yeah, yeah.

You know what's weird is

whenever I listen to that track,

I like to imagine myself just

lying in front of a log fire,

just with a glass of... tequila,

just chewing on a

chimichanga, you know?

Oh, hey.

That pitch that you and Bruce did,

you guys aced it, bam, sold.

Shut the front door.

You're kidding.

Stop that train. No, I'm not.

I'm not.

We should get together

and celebrate.

- Yes, we should.

- My place.

- Yes.

- Take-out.

- Yes.

- Invite Bruce and Helen.

Yeah.

We should absolutely do that.

- Cool, so you'll tell them.

- Yeah.

- Great.

- Of course. I'll totes tell them.

You can totally trust

me to do that.

That's not a problem.

- Hey. What are you hiding?

- Nothing.

- What are you hiding?

- Behold.

Santa Vito.

What? It's just another

salsa night. So what?

So what? Look at it squashy chops.

It's a competition. Sorry.

Don't you see? This

is your time, Bruce.

This is the Goonie time.

Do you know about the Goonie time?

Of course I know about the Goonie time.

My watch runs on Goonie time.

So then you know that

it's their time up there,

but it's our time down here.

You can do this, Bruce.

You can win this mother-funky

and you can show the world

what you're really made of.

Think about it. What

have we go to lose?

Yeah, I mean, I suppose I could.

Bruce, we Persians have a saying.

- I... I don't really speak Farsi.

- If you want to do something do it.

If you don't want to do it,

don't do it.

I'm going to be late for my

ball wax. I'll call you later.

- Yeah, sure.

- OK, bye.

I can still see you there.

- See you.

- See you later.

Hello. One, two, three,

four, five. Yes.

- You win.

- Finally. Finally.

Now, you know what you get

for first prize, you lucky prick.

- I dread to think.

- You get one of these.

- And there it is.

- And...

two of these.

I just thought you might want an old

pair of shitty shoes from the '80s.

One careful owner.

Thanks, Ron.

You're not going to try and

finger me now, are you?

- You want me to try and finger you?

- You're ready.

You... are free.

I'm going to ask her to

this thing tomorrow night

and I would be honoured if

you would come and watch us.

Ah, I'll have to check my diary.

Thank you.

Look at them.

- They're so soft

- Mm.

Don't... Don't do that.

Come on.

She's not at work today.

'Fine, so do it tomorrow.'

No, I can't. It is tonight, all right?

I have to do it tonight.

In that case, you are

a tiny bit f***ed.

Sam, please, I really

need you to just help me.

OK, do exactly as I say

and do not deviate.

You go home, you shower, you

shave, you put on something nice.

I'm thinking powder blue,

shirt not trousers.

Do not put on powder blue trousers.

Then you get a taxi to her house.

Someone will know where she lives.

You knock on her door.

You knock her off her feet

with your confident

suggestion of a night out.

She immediately says yes, then

you whisk her off to the club.

You dance the competition.

You win the competition.

We all get sh*t-faced,

then we all go home, got it?

Thanks, Sam.

Oh, God, I'm good.

God, it's so busy in here.

I think I'll use this one.

- All right, ball bag.

- Stupid.

Just finishing off a little

text to Julie-Jules.

I told you that she gave me

her mobile number, right?

Yeah, a few times.

Ooh, by the way, thanks

for that mixed tape.

That was a hit.

- You gave it to her?

- Oh, yeah, she bloody loved it.

Thought it was very sweet.

I think I'm going to put it on when

we seal the deal for the first time.

You know, a bit of

sex-muzak, set the mood.

Don't be jealous, big lad.

I'm sure she'll still have room in

her life for a fat best friend.

You don't know about me.

What don't I know?

I dance.

I'm sorry, I thought you

said that "I dance".

Yeah, I did. I dance salsa.

- You dance salsa?

- Yeah, salsa.

I would f***ing love to see that.

Maybe you will. Maybe I'll

dance you under the table.

What sort of table?

Any sort of table.

All right, bum flap,

let's settle this like men.

Winner takes Julia.

What about HR?

What happens at lunch

stays at lunch.

Ow!

Your wrists are limp.

- Ooh!

- Your dick is limp.

Oh, sorry.

- You learn fast.

- I learn from the best. Julia.

Sweet, sweet, rest-your-

balls-on-my-chin, Julia.

- Smell that.

- No.

Did you just lick my p*ssy?

Yeah and you tasted

like a nasty girl.

That's disgusting.

Wanker!

I'm wearing the wrong

shoes for this sh*t.

- What the fu...

- Coo-ee!

Where are you?

I thought you liked banter.

Oh, f*** off, Bruce. F*** off.

- Ooh.

- What the... Big mistake.

That's Jessie the lezzie

from accounts' car.

Quick step for such meaty thighs.

Ooh, ooh, do you like that?

- Wait, no, don't lead me!

- Like a lady.

- This is wrong. You know it is.

- Like a lady.

- I'm a man. I'm a fully-grown man.

- Then prove it.

What is that?

- That's my phone.

- No, no.

Huh?

Ooh! Oh, me blades!

Oh!

Whoo!

Like I said, any sort of table.

Fine, you win.

I can't do this every

f***ing lunch.

Doesn't mean that she's

going to pick you, Bruce.

She wouldn't pick you over me.

That's just bad maths.

- She's a clever girl.

- Probably right.

You're quite good-looking.

You've got lovely, long legs.

- Yeah.

- Nice car.

- Great car.

- But there is something missing.

I have got something that you don't have.

Do you know what that is?

Type 2 diabetes.

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