Cuban Fury Page #7

Heart.

Corazn.

You know, I am Bruce Garret

and I am f***ing salsa.

Get up, bum flap.

How can you take something so

seriously that's named after a dip?

- Oh, nice shirt.

- Thank you.

- Come in.

- No, wait, wait. Please.

I dance. I dance salsa and there

is this club called Santo Vito...

- Bruce.

- No, please

I can hardly breathe. I'm so nervous.

I'm hyperventilating.

I feel like I can see flies.

- I don't...

- Let me cut to the chase.

If you're not doing anything

tonight, I would love to take...

- Of course.

- Bruce?

- What's wrong, Bruce?

- Of course, this is...

- Bruce...

- I'm sorry.

What do you mean?

No, Bruce, what? Wait. Bruce.

Come back. Bruce?

Where are you go... Oh.

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

What are you doing?

Come on. You know.

I know? What do I know?

Let's say we skip dinner and

go straight to pudding.

Are you kidding?

Yeah. Yeah, totally kidding.

Just focus on putting

your pants back on.

OK, I'm not kidding. Here's the thing.

This is where I'm at.

I just want to be honest with you

because I think you deserve that.

I'm just going to say this.

I'm just going to blurt it

out before I lose my nerve.

- Oh, my God.

- Julia Matthews of America...

I would be honoured if you

would let me f*** you.

- Really?

- I just want to...

I just want to...

I just want to do it.

Oh, my God.

Just get up and just

get out, please.

- What?

- Just get out.

Wait. Is this banter?

I can't believe that

you just dropped trou

and propositioned your boss.

- Did you really just do that?

- It was an act of boldness.

Wait, did you not tell Bruce

about tonight, or Helen?

- Did I tell Bruce and Helen?

- Was this all part of your plan?

I can't... I might have.

I don't think I mentioned it.

All right, this conversation

is definitely over.

Just please take your

little Italian shoes

and your pudding and just get out.

Can I just say I think that

you are making a big mistake?

I'm going to have you transferred

to plastic mouldings on Monday.

Oh, that's bullshit! That's

just a bad managerial...

You know what? FYI I didn't

make that shitty mix tape.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Julia.

I said some things, which

may now seem foolish.

OK, I'm... I'm going to be honest.

My granny died.

I swear to God, Drew, if you're

still there in 15 seconds,

I'm going to take your pudding

and shove it right up your ass.

Uh...

Bruce.

Welcome tonight to the Santa

Vito salsa espectculo. Let's go!

We're about an hour away from

the main competition event.

You like it?

Not really my thing.

How do you know you don't

like it unless you try it?

A lot of things I

haven't tried, mate.

I haven't tried incest, but I'm

pretty sure I wouldn't like it.

Incest and salsa are two very

different things, trust me.

Bruce, call me when you get this.

I want to know you're all right.

- He's not picking up.

- He's probably crying somewhere.

Somewhere quiet and dry.

That's what I would be doing.

I think I know where he is.

- Can I borrow a racket?

- Help yourself.

So how did it go?

I'm wearing a silk shirt studded

with jet-black rhinestones

driving balls out

into the darkness.

How do you think it went?

So now what? Are you

going to stop dancing?

- I was only doing it for her.

- Were you?

So, what, are you going

to give it all up again,

the only thing you're good at?

Literally the only thing

you've ever been good at

that wasn't sh*t and

totally pointless.

Oh, OK, fine. Here we go.

Just off the top of my head,

quizzes, carving Sunday roasts,

the Rubik's Cube,

the Rubik's Sphere.

The Rubik's Snake,

flags of the world,

driving abroad, famous dams,

identifying dogs by their

silhouettes, you know?

- African money. I could go on.

- You're wasting your life.

What do you know?

You are 35 years old.

And you are working as a hula girl.

Oh, sorry, no, hula woman. Oh!

- F*** off, Bruce.

- You f*** off.

- Good shot.

- Thanks.

You need to dance, Bruce.

You were lost. This is

your chance to get back.

- I don't have a partner.

- Yeah, you do.

- You?

- I've still got it.

- That's pretty good.

- Mm-hmm.

Remember the old routine?

Don't. Don't do that.

Don't you bloody dare.

Don't evoke it.

Thunder, Thunder,

Thunder, ThunderCats! Ho!

'Yes, please, give it

up for Gaz and Kate.'

Salt and pepper, here

comes the hot stepper.

- All right? All right, Gal?

- Oi, oi.

- Hey, Helen, thanks for coming.

- F*** me, you look great.

- Where's Ron?

- He was busy. I'm sorry.

Bruce, forget Ron.

You look so good you could

be f***ing Bee Gee.

'Oye, look at this.

Me la rebanco.

'Don't ruffle her feathers.'

You have to go.

'Just what I'm talking about.

Let's go through to the next round.

Celebremos. Celebremos. Celebremos.

'Can we please have the couples to

the dance floor for heat four?'

- Are you ready?

- No.

Me neither. Come on. Let's go.

I'm sorry.

Hey!

- Happy?

- Yeah.

Big smile, tits and teeth out.

'Let's go!'

'That's what I'm talking about!'

- Holy sh*t.

- Wow.

Yes, holy sh*t.

'Look at this. The feet of fury.'

Hey, adios, my friends.

Ho!

I'm sorry. You have to go.

Time to go.

'Catch her. Have a ball.

In blue, azul.

'We have our semi-finalists here.'

'Amazing!

'Inspirational!'

- OK, I want it back.

- What?

- Come on. Where is it?

- Where's what?

What have you done with it?

Where have you hidden it?

- Is it in this pocket?

- Don't.

- It's in this pocket.

- Don't muck about.

- What have you done with it?

- What?

You took my breath away in

there and I want it back.

Ha-ha! Very funny.

Bruce, when I first met you,

you were like a sangeh ghohi

Mm, sangeh ghohi

What does it mean, sangeh ghohi?

It's like a large round

stone with some sh*t on it.

But now... you have

become of the age.

You are a man, Bruce.

Yeah.

Yeah, I suppose I am.

And now you have stolen my

heart as well as my breath.

Where do you keep

hiding these things?

- I should get back out there.

- Yes. Yes, you should.

You go, Bruce. Go and kill them

all, man, woman and child.

I'm not going to kill a child.

OK. Go!

Do you have a Tic Tac?

'Musica, maestro!

What about these guys?

'What about these guys?

'Brrr!'

'Hey, now.'

Oh, no, no, no. Get off.

- 'I'm sorry, friends.'

- Let's go.

'Hey, you dig it!

'And here is fanning

the flames of salsa.'

- Ow!

- Let's go!

Let's go!

- Yes!

- Come on, Bruce!

'Double pleasure.

'Wow, that's unexpected.'

You're in my yard now.

'We have our finalists!

We have our finalists.'

Oh, love you, Bruce.

Hey.

- 'Let's hear it. Come on.'

- That's my best mate.

'Wow.'

- Gary, whisky, large.

- You can win this, Bruce.

I haven't got much more left.

- Drink it. Drink it.

- No, I don't want it.

Eye of the tiger, Bruce.

Eye of the tiger!

'Ladies and gentlemen,

the floor is yours.'

Wow.

Yeah, I thought I'd make an effort.

Me and Drew wasn't anything.

That's not anything.

Good.

I just wanted to say thank

you for the mix tape.

It's no big deal, although

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