Curse of the Pink Panther Page #3

If you want to get in touch with him,

he can be reached at the Rio Hilton.

More merde!

And the same to you, Professor.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Cato.

I thought you said your name was Sumo

and that Cato was in South America.

Only where Professor Balls is concerned.

Inspector Clouseau disappeared

owing the Professor 4,000 francs.

And he keeps threatening

to close down the museum

and take back all his disguises.

I'd give him something on account,

but I only make enough to pay the utilities

and keep myself in Ying Gow San.

I don't believe I know the dish.

It's my girlfriend.

I'm sorry I attacked you.

You thought I was from

the collection agency.

No. I know who you are.

I was hoping I could beat you up so badly

you might give up trying

to find Inspector Clouseau.

Why don't you want me to find him?

Because he used to beat me up so badly

I kept wishing he would disappear.

There's an old Chinese saying...

You speak Chinese?

No.

Well, the nearest English

equivalent would be,

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth."

Would you like some tea?

No. I've got to crack this case,

and I'm on a tight schedule.

Tell me about this Professor Balls.

He used to make all of

the Inspector's disguises.

As a matter of fact,

he was the last one

to see the Inspector alive.

You don't say.

That's him.

Can I help you?

Yes. I'd like to see Professor Balls.

There is someone here

to see the Professor.

Professor Balls?

Do we know each other?

I'm...

I'm a police officer.

I was in Zagreb visiting

my half-brother at the monastery.

I only want to ask you a few questions.

Nevertheless, I have a perfect alibi.

For what?

For practically anything.

I am a law-abiding citizen. Right, Cunny?

My little friend here will back me up.

Right, Cunny?

All right, Cunny, that's enough.

All right, all right! Down!

He's been with me for 20 years.

Sometimes he thinks I'm his girlfriend.

He is also the best fitter in Paris, monsieur.

In all of France, for that matter.

He can whip you up a very nice suit

with two pair of pants while you wait.

- What do you say?

- No, you see, I'm investigating...

Of course you are investigating.

You are a policeman!

I knew that the moment

you walked into my emporium...

Your courage, your alertness,

the way your eyes take in everything.

I immediately said to myself,

"Balls, this is a policeman's policeman."

- Thirty-two.

- Thirty-two.

- Twenty-two.

- Twenty-two.

Six... Four... Twelve.

Yes, well, I have been servicing

the police all of my life, monsieur.

Some of my best customers

have been the police.

Chief Inspector Clouseau himself

used to come into my shop here

three or four nights a week

just browsing, finding an odd nose,

a unique goiter, a carbuncle,

perhaps something in a nice hump.

Yes, I personally designed und executed

all of his famous disguises.

Take, for example,

his last and greatest disguise.

He was due to pick it up

on the day he disappeared.

It probably would have saved his life.

Behold, the Instant Companion Kit.

How many times have you been on a case

and discovered you were being followed?

How many times have you wished

that you had just one diversion

that would confuse your pursuer,

allowing you time to escape?

Well, here we have the perfect diversion.

Life-size, und instantly inflatable.

One switch of the valve,

and you are checking into a hotel

as man and wife.

Two twists, mnage trois, ja?

As Chief Inspector Clouseau,

the king of disguises,

said to me when we tested the prototype,

"Balls, as disguises go,

the Instant Companion Kit

"is without peers."

I can let you have it for... 6,000 francs.

6,000?

Four. Get the doggy.

And to round out the ensemble,

I throw in the Instant Companion Pet

for All Seasons.

Observe.

Behold, here are little wheels

concealed in his paws.

Every 30 feet, he barks and goes ca-ca.

4,000?

All right, 3,000, including the leash

and two extra cans of ca-ca.

How about 1,500 for the entire ensemble

and all the ca-ca?

I've got to get this stuff off my hands.

That makes three attempts

on my life in two days.

I am lucky. I have only had one.

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

That makes us even.

I can't tell you how sorry I am.

I guess I was just too gung-ho.

Gung who?

It's an American expression.

It means... "All fired up,"

full of spirit and determination.

Do you know what this opportunity

means to me?

I'm a third-generation police officer.

My grandfather and my father

were captains.

Your family must be very proud of you.

They still can't believe it.

Neither can I.

Me, out of all those millions.

My grandfather tells everyone

it's a practical joke.

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, don't be.

This is my chance.

If I succeed,

then I've proved once and for all

that I'm a credit to the force,

that I'm a Sleigh.

Well, credit to the force,

where do you go from here?

Well, since Inspector Clouseau disappeared

while investigating

the theft of the Pink Panther,

I thought I'd visit the scene of the crime.

- Then you're off to Lugash?

- I leave on the next plane.

You leave? Good. I mean, good luck.

Thank you.

You know, I just want to tell you

how grateful I am...

What time does he arrive?

The 1:
30 plane from Paris.

You realize what happens

if he finds that cursed diamond?

You'll have to return the money

to the insurance company.

And I've already spent it.

What's the alternative?

Make sure he doesn't find the diamond.

Well, obviously the first thing to do

is to figure out how the thief got in.

I don't think we've got

a thing to worry about.

That's what they thought about Clouseau.

He suspects Sir Charles Litton,

the notorious Phantom.

He's booked the evening flight

for the south of France.

The south of France

should be beautiful this time of year.

Unless you happen to

fall off the Grande Corniche.

I just had word that

he's arrived in the south of France.

When he left Nice airport,

he was followed by two members

of the Lugash secret police.

It appears that President Haleesh

would rather have the insurance money

than the diamond.

When you take into account that the mob

has already tried to kill him three times

to stop him from finding

Inspector Clouseau...

Chief Inspector.

I don't think that we've got

anything to worry about.

Still, all things considered,

I'm glad you had the surgery.

Even though you're

temporarily incapacitated,

in the long run, I'm sure

it will be more than worth the time.

Sure, pal.

Tell him he's here.

He's here.

- Sergeant Sleigh.

- Yes, sir.

Let me introduce you

to my nephew George.

- George.

- How do you do?

- Hugo, chair.

- Mr. Chair.

And my wife.

Hello. How do you do?

Hello.

So... You're investigating

the Clouseau case.

Yes.

- Allow me, sir.

- Thank you.

You wouldn't by any chance be related?

To Inspector Clouseau? No, but...

But it's funny you should ask me that.

The president of Lugash

asked me the same thing.

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