Dadnapped Page #4

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Shut your trap and keep moving.

Guys, you should come see this.

This is what I call no est bueno.

Let's go, guys.

Something's really wrong.

Hurry! They're getting away!

Hey, fellows, I think there's been

some sort of mistake here.

Yeah, ain't that always the case?

Don't lose them, Wheeze.

Quit riding me, Sheldon.

I'm driving the best I can, dude.

Central station.

Your call is being recorded.

Hello? Police?

Neal Morris has been stolen!

Hey, listen, kids.

You can't be tying up the phone lines

like this with these prank calls.

- It's against the law.

- This is no prank!

- Two goons took him for real.

- Okay, look.

I got at 1:
25,

he was supposedly snatched.

And then at 2:
32,

I got three calls from the supermarket,

saying that he was in a van,

and he was tied up

with what they described

as dental floss.

Well, mint flavored, and we're...

Listen, kid,

enough with the fun and games.

We're very busy down

at the police station. Goodbye.

And we're not kids!

Looks like it's up to us.

Let's do it.

Chalk this one up for creepy.

No. Make that creepy times two.

You live here?

The city's stupid enough

to pump electric in. Why shouldn't we?

Really cozy.

Look, whatever it is you're after,

I'm sure we can work this out

in a safe and peaceful manner.

- Really? You're sure of that?

- Really.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.

Sure you're just not hoping,

maybe praying, that we can?

Skunk, hurry it up.

Our guests are getting antsy.

Just a minute.

"There's no turning back now," he said,

as he stood on the line

between good and Iowa.

I'm scared.

Don't worry. It's gonna be okay.

Well, that, my friend,

is entirely up to you.

I don't know about this,

Wheeze. This is way out of our league.

Yeah. And you guys

returned all those Zoome books.

That was really smart.

Hey. They were overdue.

All right, everybody chill.

We don't need the books.

We know every page

of every novel inside and out.

There's a Tripp Zoome solution to this.

We just haven't figured it out yet.

Lady and gentlemen,

it's snack time!

Mmm.

That's good. That's good.

The part I love best is, there's no meat

whatsoever in these things.

All right, what do you guys want?

You want money?

Come on. It always

comes back to that, doesn't it?

Money, money, money.

Listen, whatever you're planning,

we won't go along with it, okay?

So, go ahead, send his publisher

a ransom note. See if we care!

- Not helping.

- Okay.

Don't worry about us, kid.

We always get what we want.

That is one thing we are very good at.

Okay! Here we go.

Look at this.

"Lights Out Lenny"?

It's a working title.

See, my brother, he has a gift.

Please tell me it's not cooking.

- A creative gift!

- Okay! Touchy.

Of course, my writing's

not as good as yours is, but...

But that's why you're here. Okay?

Keep him from making

the same mistakes I made.

Maurice stole an elephant.

That's true.

I did the crime,

then I did the time, all right?

But, look, look, look.

My baby brother, here? He's clean!

And with a little outside help, I mean,

there's no stopping this guy.

So, you took me to read

your brother's book?

No, not read, to fix.

Fix my brother's book.

- See, my brother needs...

- A brain, Scarecrow?

You are really starting to irritate me.

And you really don't want to do that.

Look, my brother needs a real writer

to finish the book.

Guys, look, in the best

of environments,

even with the best writers,

this could take weeks. Months, even.

Months? Years? I really don't care.

Because the way that I see it,

until you fix the book,

you're not leaving.

What? Stuck here, in this stink-hole?

Consider it incentive, sweetheart.

Daddy writes fast, princess goes home.

Chapter 1.

"The sky was dark

and the air was cold

"and the man held the gun so tight,

his fingers felt like cheese. "

- Cheddar.

- Oh, boy.

- We're gaining on them, Vic!

Gaining on them, Vic!

Oh, boy, look at that car go!

- Boy, look at that car go.

Faster, Gordon, faster!

Faster, Gordon, faster!

They're coming after us.

- They're coming after us.

If he doesn't watch,

he's gonna wreck that car!

Oh, God.

This is so bad, my eyes actually hurt.

How do you fix something this broken?

Well, every problem's

just a doorway to a solution.

I mean, that's what you write

for Tripp, anyway.

I've read the books, Dad.

I just don't get dressed up

like Agent X309

and go to Zoome-cons

every other weekend.

What?

Nothing. It's just that X309 is

a 250-pound Chinese guy,

so I think you'd look kind of funny.

Sorry.

Hey! You know what we need?

A Distractor!

No, no, no, no, no... No way.

Dad, we have to get out of here.

In case you haven't noticed,

those two guys out there,

they're kind of wacko.

Which is exactly why I don't want

to risk your neck on some silly plan.

Silly? We're back to that, are we?

How could I possibly have an idea

worthy of the amazing Tripp Zoome?

- Melissa, that's not...

- You know,

it all comes down to this, Dad.

You care more about Tripp Zoome

than you do about your own daughter.

Now, that... That is ridiculous.

- It is?

- Yeah.

Then how come

you've never written about me, huh?

How come I'm not a character

in one of your books?

You? Sweetheart.

Characters are... They're dynamic.

They're larger than life.

They're capable

of extraordinary things.

Tripp has three advanced degrees.

He's got encyclopedic knowledge

of science.

- He speaks 10 languages fluently.

- Okay.

Then what are my interests, Dad, huh?

What do I like?

Do you realize you missed

every one of my dance recitals?

I wanted to be there. I really did.

Or how about the time I won

Middle School Creative Writing Award?

You won a writing contest? That...

Why, that's great, Melissa.

Two years in a row, Dad.

Just own it, Dad. Tripp comes first.

I...

Forget it. I'm sorry I brought it up.

Cops! Moe! Moe, what do we do?

We get out while we still can!

Grab them, now!

Let's go, fast!

You know, Skunk,

you don't have to do this.

Well, that's real easy for you to say.

Last time I checked,

you were a best-selling author,

and I'm... It doesn't matter what I am.

- That's my brother. Now, move it!

Okay. Easy!

Move it!

Stake Out Fake Out.

Simple, yet effective.

Looks like you're gonna be

doing your work on the road.

You, too, funny girl. Get in.

Yo, Andre, hit it again.

You got it. Track number seven.

Sorry, my bad.

Sounds like hundreds of them.

And they have animals!

Get in the truck.

I got it.

So, Neal, what do you think

about my book?

Yeah, well,

what you... What you wrote so far is,

- you know, it's... Well, it's kind of...

- Cut to the chase.

Awful? I think the word is "awful. "

But salvageable, really.

I think there's a lot

of good ideas that work.

Yeah, they're just surrounded

by terrible ideas that don't.

Okay, I mean, I admit,

the exploding elephant is different.

But back me up on this, Dad,

your dialogue is inconsistent.

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