Dangerous When Wet Page #2

But at night when I ain't around

The old pigpen

I like to do the things I like to do

And I like 'em

Big and ugly, small and snugly

Round and fat and dark and Latin

Strong and thrillin', weak and willin'

Tough and tender, I surrender

I like men

Well, folks, I guess...

I guess we all agree...

...that Suzie Higgins

and the boys win hands down.

Well, congratulations.

Get your prize.

Oh, the case is kind of heavy.

I'll bring it over tonight, myself, personally.

- Thank you. We'll leave the porch light on.

- Swell.

We will not. It attracts bugs.

So you see, this job

with Liquapep is only temporary.

I took it as a favor to Colonel Carver.

He's an old family friend.

Actually, I'm a promoter.

- This I've noticed.

- It's a...

It's a fascinating game, promotion.

Not everybody's got the brains for it.

But let's... Let's talk about you, honey.

- You married?

- No.

- You engaged?

- No.

- You going steady?

- No.

Well, do you think you could go

for a fellow like me?

No.

Well, I look better in the dark.

- Do you mind if I turn off the light?

- I wouldn't do that.

The mosquitoes might change

their target.

Who's afraid of a few little mosquitoes

anyway?

What's he doing now?

- He turned off the light.

- Well.

I don't trust him.

His ears are too far apart.

Oh, relax, Pa. If he starts getting fresh,

she'll put him flat on his back.

It's a wonderful night for romance.

It's spring. The mating season.

Youth calls to youth. Don't you hear it?

Oh, that's not spring.

That's our best milker.

She's got lump jaw.

There's one on your neck.

- She slapped him, huh?

- No, he slapped himself.

I told you he was peculiar.

Got it.

Wow, look at that wingspread.

- Good night, young fella.

- Hi, Pops.

Say, I brought your Liquapep.

Makes you strong.

- Great for what ails you.

- There's nothing ailing me.

I got my hair, all my teeth, I hear fine

and I don't need glasses.

All right, then, take it for laughs.

- Makes you strong, huh?

- Like a bull.

The cows will hear you.

No, I'm not kidding. Look, feel, go on.

My, what biceps. Feel, Pa.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Come on. Grab hold.

Oh, no, Pop, you're not

as young as you used to be.

- Come on, grab my arm.

- You're liable to sprain yourself.

No, no, go on, humor him, Mr. Webbe.

Go on.

All right, but I wish he wouldn't. Murder.

- You all set, Pop?

- Yeah.

- Morning.

- Morning, son. How's the arm?

Fine, what else? I soaked it in Liquapep.

Good morning.

- You ought to work on your pectoralis.

- I'll do that.

Say, isn't she coming out?

No, she hasn't been practicing lately.

Katy's got to make up the laps

she missed yesterday. Morning.

Morning. She's done maybe 40 already.

- How long does this go on?

- Oh, sometimes hours.

We're all pretty strong swimmers.

Say, maybe you saw the clipping about us

last year in the Pine Cone Bugle.

"Pine...?" No, I guess I missed that.

Tell him about it, Pa.

Well, we swam

the Winapoochet River lengthwise.

And a windy day too.

Winapoochet River, huh? Well, well.

Yep, was quite a swim.

Katy won, she's the best.

But we all finished.

We were sponsored

by the Feed and Grain Store.

They sold a lot of chicken mash

after that swim.

Yeah, she could sell anything.

Hey, how far was that?

Well, from Jepsons Corners...

How far would you say, Ma?

Oh, about 14 miles.

- Fourteen miles.

- Fourteen...

- Could she swim maybe 20 miles?

- She could if she was going someplace.

- Why?

- I was thinking. Could I use your telephone?

- Go ahead.

- Thank you.

Hey, Katy, you can come out now.

He's gone.

It'll be the biggest stunt

since Washington crossed the Delaware.

This Higgins girl's got everything and is she

built. I see her climbing out of the water...

...with Liquapep plastered on her bathing

suit in letters 36 inches arou... Across.

Of course she'll do it.

The kid's crazy about me.

She'll do anything I ask.

Oh, hello, Katy. Hold it, colonel.

What water do you see me

climbing out of?

- Why, the English Channel.

- The what?

That little ditch between

France and England.

I told you I was a promoter.

All you gotta do is swim 20 miles

for Liquapep.

- Be right with you, colonel.

- I'm in the milk business.

Honey, when you've seen one cow

you've seen them all.

Get out, see the world.

Find fame and fortune.

- I'm not interested, thank you.

- Wait a minute!

Wait a minute, colonel.

Honey, the London Daily Mail has a race

every year. There's a Women's Division.

And the one who comes in first

gets a big pile of dough. For everybody.

- What makes you think I could win?

- Maybe you won't.

But think of the publicity.

Endorsements, personal appearances.

A doll like you could make a fortune.

A small fortune, that is, colonel.

Somebody leave you some money?

- Her pa came in.

- The man's out of his mind.

- He wants me to swim the English Channel.

- Hey, that sounds like a good idea.

- He likes the idea.

- You must be joking.

You want to buy Sir John of Ralwyn,

don't you?

- Of course, I do, but not by...

- Wait a minute.

- Who is he?

- A bull.

- Think of the farm. Think of the butterfat.

- Now she's thinking of the butterfat.

You could do it, Katy.

Any one of us could do it.

- Do what?

- Swim the English Channel.

Sure, she could do it.

Any daughter of mine could do it.

- Hang up.

- Everybody except Pa. You're too old.

- I am not.

- Yes, you are.

- There's a lot of wind...

- That's her other sister too. What?

My wind is fine.

You'll have to speak louder.

The whole family is...

Wait a minute. I got a better idea.

This thing is the biggest thing ever.

Not only one person will swim, but five.

Yeah, count them.

One, two, three, four, five.

An entire family.

The Liquapep family.

There you are.

All set, boys?

All right, family, move in close.

Hold up your bottles.

Hey, Pa, hold up your bottle.

That's it.

- Everybody, fill your cups.

- Is that the only diet you're on?

Boys, this is the Liquapep family

sampling their sponsor's product.

All right, now, drink.

Hold it.

That's it.

Two, three, four, five, six.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

One, two three, four, five, six.

Let's not dog it. Keep it going, folks.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

One...

Wait till you see the welcome I've rigged up.

Mayor, flags, band, everything.

- Where's Katy?

- Here I am.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

You gotta give back

the money on that girdle endorsement.

I can't wear it. I'm sorry.

Fine thing I get to endorse seasick pills.

I like them.

Listen, you can hear the band now.

I pay good dollars

for the best band in Southampton...

...you can't see them.

- Let's get closer.

I know they're there. I can hear them.

Grab my hand, I'll blaze a trail.

Take it easy, now.

- We're here.

- All together. Don't get lost. Come on.

Hold hands, now,

we're in a strange country.

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