Dara O Briain: Craic Dealer Page #7

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"We're going to smash the system,

"We're going to destroy capitalism - it's going to be amazing.

"Plea... I am allowed my calls as well. It's a private call.

"I'll see you in town in half an hour.

"See you in town in half an hour. Yay-hay, very good.

"I need a lift into town."

LAUGHTER:

Besides which, I was 16 in 1988.

In 1988, NOBODY is looting a television.

LAUGHTER:

"How f***ing heavy is this thing?"

"Bloody... God almighty! Me arms are killing me!

"Hello, officer."

I haven't even got out of the shop yet.

What was intriguing for me about the way Twitter reacted,

cos the corner of Twitter I live in will be quite media,

quite liberal, quite left-leaning, right.

It was amazing how quickly these people,

seeing riots in the streets, went authoritarian.

Went very harshly right wing, right.

Suddenly, they're all crying out for rubber bullets to be used

and water cannons to be introduced to the streets.

These things are not as sweet and whimsical as these names suggest.

Rubber bullets in particular.

"Oh, we've got some rubber bullets, what do we do with these?

"People have taken over the bouncy castle - boing, boing, boing!

"And water cannons. What do we do with water cannons?

"Distract them with the rainbow.

"Oh, so many colours, it's lovely.

"Oh, I'm all wet - sexy time."

That's what they're for, right.

People get scared,

they get scared of crime as they don't want it to affect them.

When you've got kids, you get scared very, very quickly, cos you want

the walls built higher, you don't want crime coming into your home.

I have a very specific fear about crime in the home, cos I work nights.

I'll be giddy every evening cos I work until 11 o'clock

at night, I don't get to sleep until four/five in the morning.

Most nights I'm up till four/five in the morning.

I'm an owl.

Basically, I will be up when the burglar comes.

And I know the way I say that makes me sound like my own mother.

"Oh, I was up when the burglar came.

"Oh, Jesus, the burglar's here.

"Go down the shops, we've nothing here.

"Go down get some biscuits for the burglar.

"Burglar, don't look at the mess. The place is a state."

It's a genuine fear cos I'm going to be in my hall

and there's a burglar in my kitchen.

I'm going to be behind the hall door, which has wood to here

and frosted glass to here, and I'm going to...

I don't want to fight the guy.

I want to threaten him out of the house. I want to scare him out.

I don't know how to do a threat, I've never done a threat in my life.

I have a vague sense that it has to be quite punchy.

You can't threaten somebody and let it tail off.

You can't go, "Get out the house now or I don't know what I'll do, I'll do something, it'll be bad."

If I'm behind the door, give me the first thing you'd shout.

MAN:
Get tae f***!

Get tae f***!

LAUGHTER:

It's more the exasperated tone, "Get to f***."

Like it's a wasp.

Like you're at a picnic and you're going, "Ah, get tae f***!"

"Ah, f***ing, ah! Sick of the f***ing burglar. Get tae f***."

The key is, once you get past the "get tae fucks", then you're into,

I'm in the hall, what world can I create in the hall to scare the guy away?

I was in Cork and I made the mistake of saying,

"What world will we create behind the door?"

And a bloke in row three, with genuine excitement, went, "Narnia."

LAUGHTER:

As if I should slightly open the door

and throw fake snow into the gap.

And go, "You must leave now. The Ice Queen is coming."

What would you do behind the door to create the illusion you've

got something with you? Bark! Of course, like a dog.

Let's hear you do it, right.

I'm the burglar, this is the door, I'm rooting through your stuff

when I hear this...

None of the rest of you now.

I hear this noise...

WOMAN BARKS:

LAUGHTER:

Nothing scares a burglar more than a tiny dog.

A tiny dog released from the handbag he lives in.

"Go on, go on!"

HE BARKS:

"F***ing thing."

If you can kick an armadillo, you can kick that f***ing dog.

No difficulty doing that. Anything else? One more over here.

- WOMAN:

- Peekaboo!

LAUGHTER:

I'm sorry, my attention has entirely been got.

That was the scariest thing I have ever heard in my life.

Is it just me, or is that woman going, "Peekaboo,"

the most frightening thing you could possibly...?

What kind of f***ed-up horror movie...?

The doll is alive, "Peekaboo!"

LAUGHTER:

What kind of crazy, haunted,

possessed house does the guy think he's in?

Should I put a plate on top of a fishing line

and wave it around as well

and go, "Peekaboo. I've got you."

Why don't we just play jack-in-the-box music?

HE SINGS "HERE WE GO ROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH" TUNE

"Peekaboo!"

LAUGHTER:

"You're mine now."

There was one answer - not as creepy and weird as that...

There was one answer that always appears in Ireland, interestingly.

Always appears in Ireland

and it would 100% work in getting an Irish burglar out of an Irish house.

It never gets shouted in the UK, ever.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT OUT

You're just shouting every...

I'm waiting for potato to be shouted,

the level of the stuff that's been poured out.

What did you say down there?

- WOMAN:

- Jesus is watching.

Jesus is watching.

LAUGHTER:

These days, I think

you might be overestimating the power of the Catholic Church!

If you said the local priest is watching,

that'd be more scary for them!

The killer phrase, in Ireland, if you want to get an Irish

burglar out of your house, you open the door slightly and just shout,

"I know your mother."

LAUGHTER:

No Irish burglar stays in a house. "Jesus! You probably do."

And they're gone.

Listen, they're all brilliant suggestions.

You're creepy. They're all brilliant suggestions.

Don't get me wrong, I have an alarm.

I'm not an idiot, I have an alarm in the house.

In fact, I'm not showing off here, I've got a motion sensor alarm in the house.

AUDIENCE OOHS:

They're great. Nothing to do with home security,

but every time you come home pissed, you try to beat it.

I thought being a homeowner was really responsible,

but now I find myself tiptoeing through my own house, going,

"I've almost got it this time."

The amount of times I've gone to bed and my wife has gone, "Did the alarm go off?"

And I've gone, "Shh. Shh. Go to sleep now.

"Nothing to be worried about. It was a short circuit - some sort of error.

"Nothing to be worried about. You go to sleep. Everything is safe.

"Sleepy time for you. Sleepy time for you."

She's gone, "Were you playing Mission: Impossible again?"

LAUGHTER:

"I got to the stairs."

LAUGHTER:

The bloke came in to install this alarm and

stood in the kitchen and went, "Sensor over there.

"Sensor over there and a sensor over there."

And as he was doing this, one of our cats just walked past him.

Your man goes, "Is that a cat?"

LAUGHTER:

When a grown man does that, you just have to savour

the moment before you launch in and go, "Is that what it is?"

LAUGHTER:

"We have been Googling furiously for weeks.

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