Dara O Briain: Craic Dealer Page #8

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"We've even scanned him in at one stage.

"We've narrowed it down to slightly larger than a hamster,

"but smaller than a small elk.

"With this new information, we can narrow the search down even more.

"Honey, it's a cat! "I know, we never thought. That's great."

"Yeah, it's a cat. So what?"

And your man goes, "Well, it's not going to work now."

I said, "What do you mean?" He says, "Because of the system.

"The system cannot tell the difference between a cat

"and a burglar."

I'm standing looking at him, going, "Well, let me explain it to the system."

"A cat is about this height.

"A burglar is about this height.

"If a cat ever breaks into my house and it's this height,

"I want the f***ing alarm to go off."

LAUGHTER:

"I don't want any debate, any pause,

"I want the alarm to erupt into life and go, whah-whah-whah.

"Get up, there's a sabre-toothed tiger in your kitchen, get up!

"Get up, there's a tiger in the house!

"Relax, he's found the Frosties, we've bought some time."

"If your system cannot tell the difference between a cat

"and a burglar, rip it out,

"and we will dangle a piece of string from the ceiling.

"And in the morning, I will come down

"and find the burglars batting distractedly at the string."

"And I'll open the back door - get out, get out!

"Sick of the burglars coming in here every night.

"It's the neighbour's burglars, we're infested with them."

LAUGHTER:

"It is a digital alarm system," I said.

"Can I not just upload a sound file to it?

"Like an MP3 of a voice going, 'Intruder. Intruder. Intruder.'"

No burglar stays in the house if the house goes, "Intruder. Intruder. Intruder."

But it filters delightfully, because cats don't move.

I've leaned over my cat and gone, "Intruder. Intruder. Intruder."

And the cat has just looked up and gone, "I am on...the phone."

LAUGHTER:

A fried said, "That is amazing.

"If you could upload any music, you should upload the Benny Hill theme tune."

How epic would that be?

A burglar breaks in and suddenly the house goes...

HE HUMS THE BENNY HILL SHOW THEME TUNE

Naturally, you run down in your underwear from bed.

HE HUMS THE BENNY HILL SHOW THEME TUNE

Around the burglar, back out into the hall.

Back in again. With you, two girls in stilettos.

Something for the dads.

LAUGHTER:

My wife said, "No, you are not having Aurora

"and Starburst hanging round the house." I said, "It is for home security.

"You are not taking the security of this family seriously enough."

I do not want to have to deal with the burglar in that situation.

I will give one piece of advice before I pretend to walk off -

I'll do the thing where I'll walk to there, come out again.

Keep an eye on it.

If you are ever facing a burglar in your home,

don't be fooled by the propaganda of the frying pan industry.

If you hit a person with a frying pan, it doesn't go, "dong".

And the person goes...like that.

There is no setting for stun on a frying pan.

There are two settings on a frying pan.

You're either going to hurt and anger them,

or you're going to f***ing kill them.

LAUGHTER:

Either you've got a burglar in your kitchen, going,

"What the f*** did you do that for?"

Or you're in your own garden...digging a grave.

With a frying pan.

You're dragging the corpse, you're patting it down.

You're looking at your own hands which are covered in soil

and blood and brains.

You're going, "Oh, my God. So much evidence, how can I get rid of it?

"If only I'd bought the Dettol No-Touch antibacterial soap dispenser."

Ladies and gentleman, I'll walk to here.

CHEERING:

Going to here...almost disappearing.

And I'm back out again!

CHEERING:

Absolute pleasure to talk to you, you've been fantastic.

Going to leave you with a story. Phones are great, but...

There was a piece in the Guardian not long ago,

they'd seen an interview with Paul McCartney,

where he said he can't finish a meal without people constantly coming up for a photograph on the phone.

And the Guardian were quite snarky about it and quite,

"Oh, Paul, if this is the worst thing you have to face with your millions..."

You're going, "It probably is a hassle."

Paul McCartney's the eighth most famous man in the world.

We'd all want a photograph with Paul McCartney if we saw him, right?

I'm the 9,000th most famous man in Ireland, I can't

finish a f***ing pint in Cork, in particular.

Cork is a great town,

but Jesus, they're obsessed with their Facebook update status.

If I go for pints in Cork,

the next day I could flick through Facebook and in the correct

order I could watch a stop-motion animation of myself.

LAUGHTER:

Once, I was sitting in a bar in Dublin, I was drinking angrily.

You know those occasions where you just...

Having a pint about something with a mate of mine.

A woman came over and tapped me on the shoulder with a camera and said,

"Is there any chance of getting...?"

And I said, "Of course. Of course."

I took the camera off her, put my arm around her,

held the camera and went click, click, click, flash.

I handed it back and said, "There you go, have a lovely day."

Away she goes. I turned to my mate who is laughing, and I said, "What is so funny?

"This is what you have to do now. It's what you have to do."

And he said, "I'm not sure it is, really, to be honest.

"I think she just wanted you, or anyone,

"to take a photograph of her and her friends."

LAUGHTER:

There was nothing more earthing, more grounding,

more good for the soul than slowly turning in a bar to see a woman

holding up your face on a camera and mouthing the words,

"Who the f***...is this?"

LAUGHTER:

"Who is this man who insisted I be photographed?

"Who put his arm around me and went,

"'You don't want them, you want this.'"

"This is the happy memory you want of your trip to Dublin.

"Give me a big smile.

"There you go, pet, have a lovely weekend. Bang."

LAUGHTER:

It has been a pleasure talking to you, to every one of you, it's been a delight.

You've been a joy, as always.

I'm Dara O Briain, good night, see you later.

CHEERING:

Absolute pleasure, ladies and gentlemen. We'll see you again.

Good night, folks. See you.

CHEERING:

Good night, folks. Good night.

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