Dark Ride Page #2

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Russian roulette scene.

(yells in Vietnamese)

Nicky! Nicky!

Know of any good places

to eat around here?

Okay,

have a good night.

The old guy in the back,

he didn't say a word to me.

You guys figure it out.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Dude, your boy

can't even handle

- the gas-station attendant.

- He's working on it.

(high-pitched)

Hello.

Yo.

- Just drop some cash and let's jet.

- Dude, all I have are $20s.

- Not happening.

- (urinating)

"No matter how much

you shake or dance,

the last drop ends up

on your pants."

Poetic but true.

(whistle call)

It's the vanishing man.

(laughs)

- What?

- Uh...

You think I have

another shot with Liz?

Okay, where'd this guy go?

Hey, excuse me.

Who do I have to blow

around here to pay

for some gas

and get out of here?

That'll be $16 even. Here's a coupon

for your friend out there.

He mentioned he'd like

to get some grub.

Stuckey Ribs is the best

in the area.

This'll save you $2.50

on every entree.

Thank you. That's very

helpful of you.

Now about that blowj*b...

(laughs)

Jim tried to give

an old guy a blowj*b.

- No, I didn't, a**hole.

- Cathy:
What happened?

You should have seen

the guy in there, man.

He was talking to us about coupons,

about gas in this town.

Steve:

We got a coupon for a restaurant.

- Liz, where's Bill?

- I don't know.

- I thought he was with you.

- Right here, right here.

Look at this.

Look at what I found in the bathroom.

Liz:

What, another STD?

- (Cathy laughs) Another STD?

- Another?

"Bleedings from Asbury Park,

the Jersey shore's infamous

historic attraction.

for your horrific pleasure,

the Dark Ride celebrates

its grand reopening

April 17. "

Let me see that, dude.

I know about this thing.

- I heard about it.

- Really?

- And that makes you cool how?

- Blow me.

Very lame.

There's things like this

at every amusement park.

Yeah, and Ferris wheels.

Big scary Ferris wheels.

(both yell)

Okay, wait.

What is a dark ride?

It's the horror attraction

at amusement parks or boardwalks.

Yeah, it's like that

"Little Rascals" episode

from the '20s

on Coney Island.

Didn't catch it.

It's basically carts on tracks,

slamming through doors.

I love those things.

They're so scary.

No, I read

about this place.

Something happened in there.

This is the real thing.

The place had been shut down

for 20 years.

It's gotta be the first time

it's opened since.

Well, it must have been

quite a something

to shut the whole place down

for that long.

(lock buzzes)

(chain clinking)

(knocking)

Yoo-hoo!

Anybody home?

(door creaking)

Strictly vegetarian,

my ass.

Why is this freak always

on the floor?

I know your face is

all f***ed up,

but you don't

gotta hide from us.

We're your friends,

buddy.

What's the matter?

You don't fancy

the accommodations, sir?

Your mattress too soft?

No chocolate

on the pillows?

They've been keeping you

on carrots and codeine

for a long time now.

I know you don't think

you're special.

Seems to me it's

about time for a change.

You hear me, freak?

I think some good old

USDA prime beef

might be just

what the doctor ordered.

A little bit of iron

oughta toughen you right up.

Let's get out of here.

This is a stupid idea.

Look at his ears.

I think he's deaf.

He don't give a sh*t

what you feed him.

What? I hear vegetarians

get sick if they eat meat.

I just wanna see

if that's true, is all.

I mean,

this is a hospital.

There's nothing wrong with

a little bit of a scientific experiment.

He's a zombie.

Let's go and mess with the girls.

That's more fun.

What, you're in a rush now?

We got all night.

Give me that meat.

Oh, yeah.

Dinnertime, d*ckhead.

What's the matter?

Is it too bloody for you?

A little bit too rare?

You want me to send it

back to the chef

so he can cook it up

just right for you?

- What's the matter?

- Yeah.

This is a bust.

You're wasting a perfectly

good piece of meat.

(growls)

What was that?

Well, maybe the poor baby's

got a cold.

He could be allergic.

Let's get out of here.

You're not allergic,

are you? Eat.

Eat it!

Essen!

This is choice stuff.

- Put some hair on your...

- (shackles clanking)

(growling)

Just...

(screams)

(whimpering)

(screaming)

Hey, have any of you guys actually

ever been to one of these places?

Steve:
I went to something like this

when I was a kid down in Orlando.

It scared the crap out

of me.

I had nightmares

for two years after that.

- You always have nightmares.

- Only when I think about your face.

You guys are not gonna

have that problem on this trip.

We pass by the joint

three days before it opens.

Hey, did someone

just say "joint"?

That's too bad.

Sounds like it could have been fun.

Oh, bullshit, Liz. A beggar says "boo,"

and you get scared straight.

You never would have gone in the place.

You're only all tough about it now

'cause the option's

off the table.

It's kiddie sh*t.

Of course I would have gone.

I bet cash money you would never even

set foot in the place.

You're such a f***ing cheating a**hole,

Steve. I'll take that bet.

You gotta be the toughest,

coolest, bravest person

in the f***ing room,

in every room.

- Guys, come on, chill out.

- There is one way to settle this.

How's that?

Anybody feel like saving

a little money on a room tonight?

No way!

Why not way?

Come on, let's do it.

I mean, we can do

whatever we want.

Yeah. Yeah,

it could be cool.

All I ever read about is

how doomed our generation is, okay,

how we do nothing,

and we have it so easy?

So let's do something.

I'm in.

- Try to keep me away.

- Cathy:
You're all nuts.

F*** the motel, guys.

This sounds really f***ing cool.

This is something we're gonna be

talking about for a long time.

Bill:
I think we should

check it out, okay?

If it's cool, we'll go in.

If not, we'll leave.

Steve:

Okay, sounds like a plan.

Bill:
Look, guys, if we stay

in the Dark Ride tonight,

we increase our funding

supplies for spring break,

if you catch my drift.

Good God.

- Holy sh*t.

- Steve:
What?

(yawning)

Bill, how much longer?

- That would depend.

- On what?

On whether Jim

picks up this hitchhiker.

- Do not stop this van.

- Steve:
Hey, that was my fantasy.

This is almost as good as the old man

at the gas station.

I'll bet she's either

a psycho or a nympho.

Well, what is she doing

out here all by herself?

She's a homeless,

psychotic nymphomaniac.

Where's she gonna be,

Park Avenue?

How do we know she is alone?

Maybe her boyfriend's waiting

behind her 20 feet

with a chainsaw.

- Maybe her car broke down.

- She looks kind of broke down.

I don't see a car.

You know, guys, I saw this one

"Twilight Zone" episode...

Cathy:
Shh!

I feel obliged to pick up

this hot piece of ass.

Call it my civic duty.

Call it

your raging hard-on.

Hello. Hi.

- Hop in. All right.

- Woman:
Awesome.

- Sweet.

- Move.

All right.

- How are you doing?

- I'm good. How are you?

- I'm Jim.

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