Dark Ride Page #3

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- Jim, Jen.

"J"s!

- That's right

- Hi.

- Where are you headed?

- Where are you from?

Jacksonville.

Boston.

Did your car break down?

I don't really believe

in owning cars.

How ironic. Cathy here

doesn't believe in seat belts.

I totally believe

in seat belts.

Safety first.

This from a girl who thumbs her way

across the country

accepting rides

from strangers.

Cathy:
Bill, can I borrow

your phone real quick?

Yeah yeah,

it's in my bag.

Jen:

I generally feel

that people

are basically good.

However, this one time

I was following this Phish tour...

man, I just love

those guys...

so this guy, anyway,

driving this really

bitching Beamer stops for me.

So, chitchat chitchat.

He was a doctor or a banker,

I don't know, a mortician or something.

So he asks me

where I'm going.

And don't ask me

how it got started,

but we get

on the subject of music.

Now I don't know a lot

of things, but in fact,

music is the one thing

that I am extremely

familiar with.

I just get it, get it?

So this yuppie d*ckhead

starts telling me

about music

and how back in the day...

and I'm like...

how ADD kids are nowadays,

and I'm like, "F***!"

You know,

"back in the day"?

Music transcends time

and space.

Man, it's like a whole

symbiotic relationship

between...

are you feeling me?

It's a like a whole

symbiotic relationship

between life, death,

malls, pets,

health and nutrition.

So Mr. 2.4 Kids,

he tries to kiss me!

He actually has his

f***ing sweaty paws

all over me!

(screams)

So what I did was...

what I did was,

I just leaned over

and I smashed down

really hard

in a really

sensitive place.

Are you feeling me?

My aim was dead on!

Ding-dong.

I rang the bell

and won the kewpie doll, man.

I also happened

to lose my ride.

Took me like four hours

to get another one.

What was my point?

Oh, yeah.

You know,

I generally have to

believe that people

are basically good.

Does anyone mind that I'm

sitting in the front seat?

Well, Jen,

welcome aboard.

Oh, I knew you guys

were cool

soon as I saw the van.

Yeah,

she's my sweet baby.

You should know

we plan to detour.

We're gonna spend

the night there.

Jen:

Man, I love dark rides.

You guys mind

if I tag along?

Funny, I thought

you already had.

Don't worry.

I'll hold my own weight.

Anyone want to go

on a real trip?

Oh, God...

I think I love you.

Right back at you.

I haven't been here

in so long.

Where is this place?

Asbury Park.

Asbury Park.

Never been here.

Look at what a sh*t

old town this is.

Sh*t old towns

are the best.

(Jim and Jen laugh)

Holy sh*t.

Those f***ing mushrooms

just kicked in.

Yeah? Are you feeling it?

(laughing)

Jen:
Hey, isn't Asbury Park

where Springsteen was born?

Look at this place.

It looks closed.

I mean, like,

gone-for-the-winter closed.

God, it's kind of

creepy, huh?

God, I live

for this sh*t!

Okay,

this obviously sucks.

If you wanna save money,

can we just sleep in the van?

Whoa whoa, what the hell's that?

Hey, kill the lights, dude.

Liz:

Well, that's that.

Bill:
No no no, he probably makes

his rounds about every hour or so.

Steve:
There's plenty

of time to get inside.

Jim:

He's a rent-a-cop.

I'm surprised he doesn't

ride a f***ing bicycle.

Jen:
Come on.

Let's go around the back.

We can figure out

a way to get in.

Oh, great,

we picked up Catwoman.

Look, he's leaving.

- Let go of me.

- Come on now. That's a boy.

- Bill:
Hey, he's going.

- Cathy:
Yeah, and so should we.

Cathy, could be fun.

That's right, Jen.

It could also not be fun.

- See how that works?

- Jesus, Cath, chill out.

F*** chill, Jim.

Okay, this is supposed

to be for laughs, right?

Fine, I'll wait here and call for me

when your laughs begin.

- Cath, come on.

- You know where to find me.

I'm fine. Go.

Go.

Yaa-ow!

Have fun with little

Miss Too Cool for School.

In fact, why don't you just have fun?

That's what you're good at.

Oh, nice.

I'm sorry.

Do what you want

with that, but...

And I really

do miss you.

(sighs)

Go ahead.

The Dark Ride's waiting.

(thunder rumbling)

Jim:
Jen, Jen,

come here, listen.

I have an idea.

Oh, man,

this place is frickin'

huge... (cackles)

Oh my God.

God! Jesus!

Come on!

(laughing)

This place

is f***ing great.

Whoa, sh*t!

(woman screaming)

(woman cackling)

(clock chimes)

(man moans)

(laughing maniacally)

(roars)

(laughs)

What's up?

Way to go, bro.

Come on.

Come in, come in.

Nice and dry.

How did you get

the lights on?

Liz, seriously, do you think the only

thing I made in shop class were bongs?

No, seriously, though,

I just put a few wires together

- and pushed a few buttons.

- Ooh, I like a man who knows

what to do

with his hands.

- Liz:
I'm shocked.

- What's that?

I'm soaked.

You know, we really

should go get Cathy.

Cathy knows where we are.

If she wants

- to join us, she can, right?

- Right.

I agree. We should

check this place out.

Let's go.

Come on.

Cool.

Just think, I could have hitched

a ride with a stalker.

- (gunshots)

- (player piano playing)

(woman laughing)

(clock ticking)

(animal howls)

(all chattering, giggling)

(screams)

Oh my God.

Look at the motion.

- Oh my God.

- (laughing)

(man screaming)

(yelps)

How cool is that?

Yeah yeah yeah.

- (child laughing)

- (doorbell rings)

Hey, dude, don't f*** with anything.

We don't wanna

add destruction of property

to the breaking and entering charge.

Shh! Steve, Steve,

just let it go.

Let it go.

Steve:
Had to go and take

those 'shrooms, didn't you?

Steve:
Put it down.

Steve, Steve, really,

it's okay.

It's okay.

Don't worry about it, shh!

What is this?

What's wrong, Jim?

Steve:
What did you do

to the face, Jim?

Nothing.

Yeah.

All right, moving on.

(rain pattering)

Mmm.

Dude, I cannot believe

Cathy's missing this sh*t.

This place

is f***ing cool, right?

Jim, light me, please.

- Easy easy, Jim.

- Easy.

- (Jen laughing)

- Bill:
What do you think?

I have to say,

this isn't too bad.

Got a little smoke.

Got a little...

(screams)

Motherf***er!

Can't we unplug

these things?

(Jim laughing)

- Did you see that?

- See what?

There's someone...

there's someone watching us

though that window.

You sure, Liz?

You're pretty high.

(laughing)

Never mind.

Yes, and there is definitely no shortage

of someones

lurking in this

f***ing place.

God, you gotta wonder

how all this

negative energy

affects this place.

I mean,

it can't be good.

You're closer to the truth

than you know, Jen-Jen.

Do you guys know why

they closed down this ride, huh?

- It's a local legend.

- Bill:
Yeah, I grew up in Ocean Grove,

one town over.

F***in'-A, man.

I didn't know you were from there.

- You're from Jersey, brother?

- Yeah.

Well, you had to have heard

of the story, man...

about two sisters.

Let me see that. Thank you.

About two sisters

who died right here.

Yeah, they were twins.

I think it was back

in '89.

So what happened?

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