Dark Ride Page #4

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They were murdered,

disemboweled.

At their funerals,

it was closed casket.

Nobody wanted

to view the bodies.

It was, I mean,

huge out here.

It was in all

the newspapers.

Wow, Jim,

then it must be true.

(shrieks)

What an imbecile.

How about we turn the page

on this one, guys?

Legend goes

that there was this man,

this hideous, deformed,

monsterlike man

that wore a mask

over his face, killed them.

Supposedly, the man had,

like, a mental capacity

of a five-year-old.

He lived right here

in this Dark Ride.

What, he lived

in the ride?

Yes, he lived

in the ride.

(chuckles)

See, the guy who operated

the ride adopted two kids...

two very different kids.

There was the younger one

who was normal,

and there was

the older one.

He was the one

with all the deformities.

So he kept him

down here

locked up

in a dark ride.

Yeah, I think I heard

something like that.

But I think it happened

in Wisconsin.

Really?

Well, I heard something

similar, but it was this

traveling dark ride

that moved from state to state

to these different

carnivals.

It was like...

urban legends, right?

No no.

That's cute, but no,

this is not an urban legend.

Did they go to jail?

See, in the end

the taxpayers prevailed.

The ride was closed...

(dramatic voice)

And the monster expired.

(all laughing)

- Who's got the weed?

- Dude.

All right.

Yeah, so that's

what happened.

Well, why didn't you

tell us this when we saw the flier?

Because I wanted you

to come here,

and if I would have told you the story,

you wouldn't have came.

So I didn't.

You know, with all

the scary sh*t going on,

it was nuts.

The kids were dead

and the town was crazy.

Jim, there's...

(clears throat)

There's one little problem

with your story.

What's that, Bill?

The same problem

most people have

is that they just believe

whatever they hear

without ever

questioning it.

Newspapers take more

liberty with the fact

than "E! True

Hollywood Story."

See, your guys'

quote-unquote monster

never died.

He was shot that day,

but he's

very much alive.

If you ask me,

he should have been sent

to the electric chair

for what he did.

Instead, they just set him up

in some mental hospital.

And how would you know?

Dude, you're f***ing with us.

He's f***ing with us.

Bill:
I wish I was.

Those two teenagers...

you know, the ones

that were last killed...

those were my cousins.

- Your cousins.

- Bullshit.

Oh my God.

Are you serious?

That's how I know that

Jonah's still alive.

Why does it always have to

be Jonah or Jason

or Jedidiah?

I mean, why can't it

be Bob or Gus

or even Chris?

No no.

Give him a break.

Let him finish.

Or Ernie.

It could be Ernie.

Bill:

Well, Elizabeth,

Ernie is not his name.

It's Jonah.

And he's not a monster.

God, we do love our monsters

in this country.

But a murderer killed

my two cousins, not a monster.

The police psychologist

said the sick bastard

was actually playing

with his victims.

Can you believe that?

He was reenacting the sets

from within the ride.

So he mimicked

whatever he saw

in this place?

Yeah.

Jonah see, Jonah do.

That is heavy, dude.

I am so sorry.

Well, that was more interesting

than movie trivia.

Jim:
I shouldn't have

brung it up. I'm sorry.

No, Jim, it's not

your fault it happened.

Besides, these are

the kinds of stories

you tell in places

like this, right,

to try and scare

the hell out of everyone?

The only difference is,

usually you're making it up.

This one's real.

Cue the thunder

and lightning.

(laughing)

Ooh!

That's cool.

Look at this.

(clock ticking)

Steve.

(clock chiming)

Steve:

A f***ing light.

Jen:
Grab a lantern

from the set over there

so we can see what

the hell's going on in here.

Come on.

- It won't reach.

- Oh, sh*t.

Hey, grab that mirror.

Bounce this off it.

I don't see anything.

No no no, bounce it up.

Jen:
Okay, wait.

I think it's over there.

There's nothing in here.

Wait wait wait.

What was that?

(Jen screams)

- What the...? No! Oh!

- Oh my God!

Cathy! Cathy!

Help! Help! Help!

(laughing hysterically)

Got you.

I'm so sorry.

I couldn't help myself.

I'm sorry.

You looked like

such a dork.

Oh, my God.

That was so good.

Oh, man, you should have

seen the look on your face.

First, you're all like, "Oh!"

And then you did, like, this great...

(laughing)

It was f***ing killer.

Aw, you still really care.

After what you said back there

in the van, I was gonna...

No, f*** you, Cathy.

And stay f***ed

for a while.

Well, I wouldn't call

three minutes

including foreplay

"a while," would you?

Jim:
What the hell

happened here?

- (thunder rumbling)

- Cathy:
What?

- It's awesome.

- Steve:
You were in on this?

Liz:
Did you plan

this whole thing?

- You were in on this.

- Yeah.

And, you know,

when we picked up Jen,

I kinda figured she'd be better

to get you in the room than me.

So I just pulled her aside

and asked her to help.

Guilty.

Do you guys honestly

think I would have stayed

in the van by myself?

No, I faked.

- So you planned this trip?

- Yeah.

- Were you f***ing in on this?

- I had nothing to do with it.

Calm down.

It was just me and Bill. Oh my God.

And coming to the Dark Ride

was all part

of your little prank?

You know,

I was just kinda dying

to check it out.

But seriously,

my parents never let me

go to my cousins' funeral.

I never even went to their gravesite.

I've never even been here.

So, I don't know,

in some sick, twisted way

it's kind of like

closure to me.

But the flier...

I had that with me. That would have

shown up anywhere we were.

It would have showed up

wherever we were.

Jim:
Jesus, Bill, that's

pretty freakin' extreme

just to go

for a laugh.

That rocked.

That was great!

I'm so proud of you.

Well, your friend Steve here left me

in a rather extreme position

a few months back

when I walked into his room

and found his dick inside

Sarah D'Amato.

- This is about that?

- You f***ed Sarah D'Amato?

Yes, it is

about that, Steve.

I know you don't think it's a big deal,

but it was to me.

Jim:
Steve, you had sex

with Sarah D'Amato?

Yeah, and she's not

a f***ing psycho. This isn't funny.

Playing dead

isn't funny.

- Jen:
It was funny.

- Jim:
That was harsh.

Cathy:
Hey, you know

what they say...

Don't hate the playa,

hate the game.

Oh, come on, Stevie.

Kiss my neck.

You know how much

I like that.

- Jeez.

- And you, you little piece of sh*t...

- Cathy:
Stop it!

- No, you stop it.

- Lay off him!

- You don't get to say anything now.

You, you want

some trivia?

How many friends do you have now?

Anyone? Anyone?

Well,

now you've got none.

Lay off him. Stop.

I should have left you beating off

in the f***ing dorm room.

Bad joke.

Liz:
Well, unless you

have an encore planned...

Is there anyone else

you need to exact revenge on?

I'm done.

Dude, I would totally

beat your ass

if you did that

to me.

But you didn't,

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