Date Night Page #7

Mr. Grant, this is the NYPD.

We need to ask you a few questions, please.

Oh, my God! That's them !

Those are the cops that tried to kill us!

(RASPlNG) Hey. Hey, yo, yo.

l'll be down in a minute.

l'm having sex. l'm getting busy.

ls that supposed to be me?

Or is that, like, Fat Albert or somebody?

-l mean, what was that?

-l don't know what that was.

-ls there another way out of here?

-Please.

Down through my garage, okay?

There's a service elevator by the office.

-l'll keep them busy. Just go.

-ARMSTRONG:
Open the door, Mr. Grant.

Hello?

-CLAlRE:
Can we get out this way?

-Yeah, l think so. Whoa, whoa !

Okay, they're still there.

We're not gonna be able to get past them.

Think. Think. Think.

-What're you doing? No, wait.

-There we go.

You can't do that, Phil.

This is Holbrooke's car.

We have to get out of here fast.

You have a better idea?

(lNTERCOM BUZZlNG)

(ENGlNE REVVlNG)

(TlRES SCREECHlNG)

(EX CLAlMS ) Not really built for city driving.

More of a sportster.

There we go. Okay.

Well, thank God for Holbrooke, right?

Yeah. Thank God.

No, actually, screw Holbrooke.

-Excuse me?

-Screw Holbrooke! What was that?

Who were you, upstairs?

Who was that person?

Giggly, flirty, charming person.

Who was that?

-What are you talking about?

-What am l talking about?

When you took one look at him,

you lit up like a sparkly sparkle.

-No, okay, that is not true.

-lt is true.

And l get it, because l lit up, too.

He is super hot! And why.. .

Why do you need muscles

on your shoulders like that?

And l am just the husband.

-l am just the dork.. .

-Oh, boy.

...who doesn't know

how to load the dishwasher.

-Yeah, let's have a pity party for you.

-l am the guy

who needs to work out more.

-Who lights up for the husband?

-Oh, my God. You're right.

-l keep forgetting to light up for you.

-Well, that's.. .

Why do l keep forgetting to do that?

Oh, wait! l remember!

lt's because every day, l get up,

make breakfast, go to work,

come home, clean the house,

pick up the kids,

take them to soccer,

bring them back from soccer,

cook dinner, clean up that dinner,

give them a bath

and get them into their pajamas,

which is a fight every night.

lt's a big surprise to everybody every night

that they have to wear pajamas.

And then, after l have washed everybody

else's food and boogers off of me,

l use whatever energy l have left

to physically put myself into our bed

instead of lighting up for you, so.. .

Yeah, let's pull over.

This is a great time to.. .

PHlL:
Yeah, you know what?

We have to.. . Yes.

We have to pull over.

l know you work hard, honey.

But you know what would

make all the hard work 10 times easier?

Me.

lf you would just trust me enough

to handle things once in a while,

but, no, you don't.

You have to do it all yourself, your way.

You got me screwing up before l even get

a chance to come through for you.

And, yeah, you know what?

Maybe, occasionally,

l might buy the toy made of Chinese lead,

or l might make a sandwich for Ollie

that, God forbid,

breaches the jelly perimeter,

but if you just let me do something for you,

l think that l would surprise you. l really do.

l know l'd surprise you.

You think l don't hear myself?

You think l like sounding like a total b*tch?

(SlGHS )

-Brad and Haley are splitting up.

-l know.

Do you ever think about leaving me?

No.

Really? You never fantasize about

leaving me for another man?

No, never. No.

Never. No, God, if anything,

l fantasize sometimes about being alone.

-What does that mean?

-(SlGHS ) l don't know.

Just, there are times

when l've just thought about,

on my worst day, just, you know,

leaving our house

and just going someplace.

Like checking into a hotel

and just being in a quiet room by myself.

Just sitting in a quiet air-conditioned room,

sitting down, eating my lunch

with no one touching me,

drinking a Diet Sprite, by myself.

That sounds awful.

Look, l just wanna have one day

that doesn't depend on

how everybody else's day goes.

lt's not like l have

some gross sex fantasy or something.

That l would understand.

That makes sense to me.

l mean, everybody has gross sex fantasies.

l mean, obviously yours is with Holbrooke.

-With his 18-story shoulder muscles.

-He doesn't.. .

Mine is with

Cyndi Lauper.

And Holbrooke.

(CHUCKLES )

-Wait, are you serious about Cyndi Lauper?

-Yeah, she's hot.

-Really? Like, present-day or.. .

-Present day.

Well, it's an interesting choice.

Brad said to me

that he and Haley were fine,

and that they were

just really excellent roommates.

That's not what we are, is it?

No.

Right?

No.

No.

We should get going.

-CLAlRE:
135 Avenue D. This is it.

-All right. l'll park here.

(BUZZlNG)

What are we gonna say to them?

(SlGHlNG) We say,

''Hello, people are trying to kill us

because they think we're you. Fix it."

-Come on.

-Oh, rat.

(PHlL SlGHS )

They're not home. They're not home.

We'll wait.

For how long, Phil?

The cops that were at Holbrooke's

could be headed over here right now.

(SlGHS )

Okay. Fourth floor. Fourth floor.

-What are you doing?

-lf we can't find the Tripplehorns,

maybe we can find their flash drive.

Come here.

What?

(SlGHlNG)

-We can do this.

-The one night l dress up. Okay.

Here we go. Okay, ready?

One, two, three, go!

There you go. There you go. Reach for it.

lt's all you. lt's all you.

-Okay.

-Okay, l got you. l got you.

God, what was on your shoe?

l think it's your dried barf, lover.

CLAlRE:
Everything you're doing,

l'm doing in heels.

l just want you to think about that.

You realize, of course,

that this is our second

breaking and entering of the evening.

We go through that window,

we're officially repeat offenders.

Better than roommates.

Yeah.

They stabbed a chicken nugget

with a sharpie.

These are bad people.

(WHlSPERlNG) Okay, you look over there.

l'll look here.

-Damn it, Phil!

-Shh. What?

-Why don't you ever close any drawers?

-l'm sorry.

You never, ever, ever

close any drawer you ever open. Ever!

-Okay.

-Ever!

Oh, God! God! God!

(CLAlRE GRUNTlNG)

(SHUSHlNG)

Don't move.

(DOOR CREAKlNG OPEN)

-TASTE:
Who's there?

-Okay, move now. Move now.

Oh, hi. This is not what it looks like.

Yeah? Look at this, b*tch! Boom !

-Ah! My neck! He punched my neck!

-Oh, my God!

-Wait! Stop! l can explain.

-Oh, yeah?

-Then start talking, whore!

-What the hell are you doing here?

Okay, okay, okay!

Whoa ! Whoa !

Sit down. Move. You, too. Move.

Careful.

All right.

All right. So you must be Thomas Felton.

People call me Taste.

l bet people also call you Tripplehorn.

l'm a big Jeanne Tripplehorn fan.

Yes, she is a fine actress.

-Who's this?

-l'm Whippit.

Whippet, like the dog?

No. Like when you suck nitrous

out of a whipped cream can.

Okay. Okay.

Stupid skank.

Oh, my God. Do you have any

contact with your mother at all?

That's a nice piece. What are we gonna do,

have a duel at 10 paces?

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