David Brent: Life on the Road Page #7

---

let's not make a drama out of it.

I let her keep the T-shirt, so...

It won't fit her.

She won't get anywhere near it.

- Briony?

- What?

- What are you doing?

- Getting off with a bloke.

- What did you think of the gig?

- I didn't see it. I was getting off...

You were getting off with a bloke.

Yeah, sure.

Good, innit?

Paying them... to get off with people.

It's a new job description, innit?

All aboard.

What if I did that? What if I just got off

with people all the time?

Willy-nilly.

Cheers.

...stay at his house

because you won't sort yourself out.

- Hiya.

- All right?

Just getting some cash out

to go to a club?

Yeah.

For a drink? No need.

I've just played here. I'm in a band.

They're doing a documentary about me.

So I'm staying in a... In a hotel.

So if you wanna come back for a drink,

I got a minibar and it's...

Can we stay?

Yep.

So...

We got beer, wine.

- Was that champagne?

- Yeah, but it's 25 quid

and they're just half bottles,

so it's not worth it.

- There's two half bottles though.

- Yeah, exactly. So 50 then.

Oh, there's Toblerone.

- Yeah, they're a fiver each. Two, tenner.

- Give me one.

Sixty so far. That's good, innit?

- It's great.

- Yeah.

Straight in the Toblerone, eh?

- Have you not eaten?

- Not since dinner.

- Here we go.

- Yeah. Come on, party.

Get that down you.

- Chocolate, champagne.

- Cheers.

Cheers. Right.

Cheers.

I like it here.

- Take your jackets off.

- Yeah, I will, actually.

- I haven't got any clean pants.

- Huh?

She hasn't got any clean pants.

Oh, it's hot.

It is hot.

Put them on the radiator.

So, what do you two do?

Work in an office.

Do you?

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Office.

I still think there's

some mouthwash if you...

- No, I'm all right.

- What is it?

Just chocolate and crisps and nuts...

- Yeah, peanuts.

- ...and it's stuck in your teeth, is it?

- No.

- Nightmare, aren't they?

Yeah, pain, ain't they?

Gets worse when you get older

and then you get that sort of smell.

Yeah.

- Nothing happened.

- Huh?

Just saying... Nothing happened.

She slept in that bed. Didn't you?

- Ate her way through the minibar.

- What?

You had a little picnic last night,

didn't you?

- With the chocolate and crisps?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Yeah. Bit constipated today, though.

Yes, you would be.

So, there you go.

Good one, the other one, left. Left to...

Apparently, just wanted to stay somewhere

'cause her flat's being done, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, it's a bit of a bomb site

at the moment.

The council are putting a new bathroom in.

But it was nice to have a lie-in...

- Yeah.

- ...and have a lovely bath.

So perfect.

Oh...

Hiya. Right, okay.

So, nothing happened. Okay?

- Is that a woman?

- 'Course it's a woman.

She stayed in that bed, and she

made her way through that little lot.

- She ate all of that?

- Yes.

- She's gonna be constipated.

- She is.

If you tell the band

I got off with a bird...

- But you didn't.

- No. No.

But if you want to do

some banter with them, like,

"Oh, David got off with a girl

last night." And don't...

- No. I just won't say anything.

- You can, but listen.

Just don't describe her. Okay?

Don't be specific...

- I'm off here, David.

- See you later. Yeah.

- Okay. Thanks for the snack and that.

- Not a problem.

I'll... Snack, yeah. I'll clean that up.

All right.

- Okay. Ta-ta, then.

- Bye.

So, what... So, yeah. Yeah.

My good deed for the... 200 good deed.

Pop that in your little expense account,

shall we?

A daily ritual is phoning around

all the record companies,

just trying to get one of them

to come down and see you live.

Half the time, they're not there.

Half the time we don't get through.

I managed to get one of them to bite

by pretending to be

the manager of my own band.

Which I am, in a way.

- What are they called?

- Foregone Conclusion.

- Awful name. Yeah.

- I told them that.

I'm gonna make them change it.

Don't worry about that.

- But don't hold that against them.

- Mmm-hmm.

- They're a good bunch of guys.

- Sure.

- So, yeah.

- Sure. Yeah, okay.

Well, I'll get one of the scouts to listen

to the demo, and he can pop down.

- Okay?

- Okay.

- Right, see you. Yep. Bye.

- Cheers.

Right. Off to the sound check.

I can't wait to tell Dom.

This is what it's all about, so...

The venue, isn't it?

Oh, God. Hi, boys.

Ah...

Has he been telling everyone I got off

with a bird last night?

Oh, what, the big one?

Yeah, we saw her. She was at breakfast.

She was loading up on eggs.

Oh, man, that's gonna make her

even more constipated.

- Yeah, eggs.

- Dan?

I'm coming.

Er...

Don't tell the boys,

I don't wanna stress them,

but I've been winding up a record company

and they're sending someone down.

- Tonight?

- Yeah. I said,

"Cruise down. I'll stick you on the list."

So, uh, you might wanna let them know

they are with a winner.

I thought you said

I shouldn't tell the band?

No, I know. I don't wanna,

you know, worry 'em

'cause they're probably

not used to the big league,

but, you know, let them know

there is a big buzz around Mr D. Brent,

ipso facto, anyone on his team.

- Don't you wanna tell them?

- No.

They don't talk to me.

They don't even have a drink with me,

do they?

Why don't they have a drink with me

after the gig?

You know, I am paying them.

Tell them to have a drink with me.

It's just rude. Just go and ask them.

Let's have a drink tonight.

Oh...

He's excited. Gonna tell the band.

They said, um, that you pay

for their stage time and rehearsal time,

but their time is their own

and, um, you're not paying for that. So...

Okay. Would they have a drink with me

if I paid them for their time

to have a drink with me? Go and ask.

This is what David is.

He's like the boy that owns the football

but he doesn't really know

the rules of the game.

It's his ball, right? So you have to...

You can't play without him.

You know what I'm saying? But you kinda

know he's gonna ruin it a little bit.

They said, uh, they'll drink with you

for 25 quid an hour each.

Um, but you buy the drinks.

Okay. Tell them to meet me

in the hotel bar after the gig.

All right. Do I have to come?

You wanna come.

- But I'm not getting paid?

- No. No.

And tell them not to tell anyone

I'm paying them to have a drink.

Just... have a...

Oh...

Trying to organise

some beers after to celebrate, so...

Hi. Should be on the list

for Foregone Conclusion.

- Toke Records.

- Hello.

- David Brent.

- Oh, hi.

Thanks for coming down. What's your name?

- Pog.

- Pog?

- Yeah, and this is my mate, Jeremy.

- Hi.

These dudes are on my list. Tick 'em off.

So, uh, did you hear the demo, yeah?

No. How old are the band?

What, combined?

- What?

- They're about...

There's four of 'em, 25 years old each.

I don't know, 100?

Plus the lead singer.

- You do the maths.

- Is the lead singer cool?

You do the... judge of that

when you see him.

And ask yourself,

"Is Mick Jagger cool, 73?

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote