David Brent: Life on the Road Page #6

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You know, the rest of the time, I'm just

standing around at the side of the stage.

Watching his back

and the audience's faces.

This one's called Equality Street.

Ah!

# Let me take you down Equality Street #

I'm starting to regret

having taken this on.

I'm sorry, lads. It's a complete joke.

I don't think any of us

could have predicted...

Just how mental he is.

It's our reputation, innit.

That's the problem.

What we gonna... Who's gonna take us on?

# Deyo, deyo, deyo, me say deyo

# Biddly, biddly, biddly, biddly,

Biddly, biddly, bong yo #

He just has me rapping

about a lot of weird sh*t, you know,

that I personally

wouldn't normally rap about.

# Black people aren't crazy

# Fat people aren't lazy

# And dwarves aren't babies

# You can't just pick 'em up

# They got rights

# And anyway don't assume you could

# They're not light #

Hiya. Hiya.

I'm no Lothario, believe me,

but, um, he is the worst person, um,

around women I think I've ever seen.

My mum used to say

there's someone out there for everyone.

And I think for David especially,

it's important to believe that.

Because... you just gotta

hope and pray deep down

that there's somebody out there

who's just totally given up on life

that could make him very happy.

It's just...

Excuse me. Can we have the bill, please?

- Oh, shall I put it on your room?

- Rooms. We're not... Separate rooms.

- So you want separate bills?

- No, no, no. Put it on my room, 106.

But "no" that we're not...

I wouldn't. Not with him.

And not because he's a black man.

Because he's a man.

I'd do it with a black woman, for example.

Not you.

Well, yes, you. Yeah.

If you were consenting

and above legal age,

which you obviously are.

Not obviously.

So...

As soon as he's around women,

it's like he can't relax, you know,

and that's all he needs to do.

Thirty-five.

So let's make that 50, shall we?

15 tip.

Think what I'd spend on her

if we were having intercourse.

Suddenly something just switches.

It's like a wall of Jenga that just...

It just crumbles.

She's happy.

There's a moment you can just hear

his body collapse.

It's bizarre.

Hello, Lavichem.

Brentmeister.

Hello? Battersea Home

for Retired Penguins. Maurice speaking.

- I'm depressed.

- Oh, what's up?

The gigs are sh*t,

the band don't talk to me,

can't get anyone along.

This is my last chance, you know.

If I don't get signed now...

I'm running out of money

and I'm running out of time.

- I'm so fed up.

- Come on, mate.

This ain't like you.

You remember what you said to me once?

"It's not how hard you can hit,

"it's how hard you can get hit

and still keep moving forward."

It's from Rocky, mate. It's from Rocky.

Yeah... but when you said it,

it made me think about life.

Whereas he was just talking about boxing.

No, he meant it metaphorically

in the movie, so...

- Yeah. Still, though, innit?

- Don't tell anyone about this phone call.

All right then, I won't.

- See you later.

- See you later.

- Was that David?

- Uh, yeah.

- Is he okay?

- No, a bit low.

You know, rock 'n' roll pressures.

Mmm. Dear.

- Me knackers.

- Hmm?

- Well, oh, just what David says.

- Oh, yeah.

Why you no risten, sirry rady?

- Ho Lee Fuk.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Hiya.

- Hiya.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

You missing David?

I am, a bit.

Look, Nigel,

don't start playing with all that crap.

You're not in charge.

I don't think all this is good for him.

- What, the tour?

- No, this.

This documentary.

I think he's only doing it

'cause he thought it would be

better than the first time.

But it's not better, it's worse.

Why is it worse?

You know, he was the boss at Wernham Hogg.

And he worked with basically nice people.

And here he's not the boss, you know,

and it's mainly worse

because the world's worse.

It's dog eat dog.

Keep the f***ing noise down.

Keep the f***ing noise down, you silly c*nt.

Sit f***ing down, silly bollocks.

F*** me.

Stop f***ing playing up

to the cameras, yeah?

Jane, hello.

- Yes.

- Jezza?

- We will... Hang on a second, please?

- Why do you... Jezza!

- Hello.

- Why do you talk to people like that?

Why are you such a bully?

- I'm trying to f***ing work, babe.

- Don't care.

So is everyone else.

He's only having a laugh. Look at him.

Another day, another dollar.

Checking in.

Want an early morning alarm call? No.

- David, we're gonna need your card.

- Yeah.

So now he's saying

we gotta save money, so...

we gotta be in a twin room. Sharing.

You know, it's... it's awkward, man.

It's just not gangsta.

Hey.

Just writing a song about the, uh, plight

of the Native American, so...

Which is a cause

very close to my heart, innit?

- Is it?

- Yeah, I'm always going on about it.

So listen.

# Oh, oh, your red heart rages

# Cut down, burned out

And put in cages

# You came in peace

Held up your hand

# How

# We cut it off

And we stole your land

# Oh, oh, Native American

# Soar like an eagle

Sit like a pelican

# Oh, oh, don't call us Indians

# We're more like West Eurasians

crossed with Siberians #

Have you been on Wikipedia?

- Have I been on what?

- Wikipedia.

Yeah. "Migrated from West Eurasia

and Siberia, 15..."

So knowledge is knowledge.

I prefer my songs

to be factually accurate.

Where's the bit about them

sitting like pelicans?

That's not in there, is it?

- Is it a fact though?

- It's an artist's opinion.

- What artist?

- Me.

Right.

- Because it sounds like a dis, though.

- It's not a dis.

Native Americans

love to be called animals.

Things like Soaring Eagle,

Running Bear, Lone Wolf.

Yeah, but that's different.

That's bears, wolves, eagles.

- They're like cool animals, bruv.

- All right.

- Pelican's like a joke bird.

- No.

It's like a little squat thing

with that fat little throat and that.

Oh... animal racist.

This next song is about

the greatest place in the world, Slough.

Everything in this song

is factually accurate.

So you might learn something as well.

# More convenient than a Tesco Express

# Close to Windsor

But the property's less

# It keeps the businesses

Of Britain great

# It's got Europe's

Biggest trading estate

# It doesn't matter where you're from

# You wanna work

Then come along

# The station's just got a new floor

# And the motorway runs by your door

# And you know just where you're headin'

# It's equidistant

'Tween London and Reading

# Oh, oh, oh, Slough

# Slough

# My kind of town

# I don't know how

# Anyone could put you down

# Oh, oh, oh, Slough #

Ooh, yeah! Slough.

Right, who wants a T-shirt? Yeah! Whoo!

Here we go.

You play a show, and just when

you think it can't get any worse,

you shoot a fat girl in the face

with a T-shirt gun.

That was just ridiculous, really,

wasn't it?

I didn't really know

whether to laugh or cry.

There's been quite a few moments

like that, I think.

There have, yeah.

Accidents will happen.

So... someone got shot in the face

by a T-shirt gun. You know,

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