David Brent: Life on the Road Page #5

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The clue was in the title, mate.

Right. Okay.

You're level with Todd Carty.

Okay. Wing Wah?

- Pie.

- Sausage again.

- I'm sorry...

- Where did you get him from?

- I thought he'd be good at this.

- No, it's just that it's not...

Oh, we're out of time, I'm afraid.

So, I didn't even mention the gig.

And that was the whole point

of doing this.

Sixteen tickets sold.

Waste of time.

And you only got one point

on "Sausage or Pie".

I don't care about that sh*t!

People often say to me, they say,

"Oi, Brent, you're a philosopher.

"You're a leader of men.

"You're a great comedic mind.

"But is there anything

you won't joke about?"

And I always say, "Yes, the handicapped".

So I will not laugh at them.

Or with them, just to be sure.

Also, you might get in trouble.

And that's in this.

It's sort of a warning.

Part of the problem

is the fact that he explains

- every single lyric.

- Every single lyric.

- We can't just play a song.

- Which... No.

They don't really

need explaining, do they?

And we have to sit there

with our instruments,

- waiting for the song to start.

- Yeah, it's...

- That's so... Yea.

- It's excruciating.

# Oh, please don't make fun

Of the disableds

# There's nothing funny about those

# Whether mental in the head

# Or mental in the legs

We've been in a lot of bands together,

and I'd say David is, sort of,

the personification of...

all of our most embarrassing moments ever,

being in bands...

Yeah.

- ...magnified by about a hundred.

- Yeah.

# Please be kind

To the ones with feeble minds

# Help the awkward through a door

# Hold their hand

# If they've got one, understand

# You might have to feed

# The worst ones

# Through a straw

# It's basically a head on a pillow

# Head on a pillow

Head on a pillow

# Oh, please don't make fun

Of the disabled

# There's nothing funny about those

# Whether mental in the head

# Or mental in the legs

# Doesn't mean their sorrow doesn't show

# Oh, no, no, no

# Oh, no, no, no #

It's for that little guy there.

Well done. Welcome.

No one's coming to the gigs.

Fundamentally, that's the main problem.

David's idea of problem solving,

is just to throw more money at it.

I don't know what to do with him.

Speculate to accumulate. It's business.

I'm thinking of spending more money

'cause it's so worth it.

- But if no one's coming to the gigs...

- I'll get people to come to the gig.

I'll pay someone to get people

to come to the gig. I will... PR.

This is like Brewster's Millions.

That's what I'm gonna do next. Get a PR.

- Can you do cash?

- Yes.

- Cash in hand?

- Like this.

What sort of stuff you looking for, then?

Radio interviews, press interviews,

profile pieces.

First of all, let's get you noticed.

Yeah.

- Image. Sex.

- Yeah.

- Publicity shots.

- Let's do it.

- Do you know any good photographers?

- It'll cost you if you want a real one.

- Yeah? What do you think?

- Oh, it's all so old-fashioned.

- What do you mean?

- Take your shirt off. Be like Beckham.

Okay.

- Oh, no, that's awful.

- What?

When was the last time

you shaved your back?

About a week ago.

You haven't even got any tattoos.

Yeah, I've been thinking about

getting a tattoo for bloody years.

Um, but when you're the office manager,

or representing

a cleaning products company,

you've got to present a certain image.

So I give them the squeaky-clean image.

If they saw me at the weekend,

they'd blow a fuse.

Yeah.

I was gonna have "Slough,"

um, but that didn't tell the whole story.

'Cause originally I'm from Reading,

and I didn't wanna piss off that crew.

Likewise, I didn't wanna have "Reading"

because, uh, the Slough posse

would be like, "Oh, you traitor".

So, um, yeah, I went with something

that's sort of all-encompassing,

um, to show the scope

of what I'm trying to do.

Sky is the limit.

Uh, I went with "Berkshire".

You know, keep everyone happy.

But, uh, I'm not good...

with needles or pain.

It is painful. It is painful.

Are you nearly done?

- About halfway.

- Halfway? Come on.

- Do you wanna see it?

- Nah.

- Go on. Have a look.

- No, no, no. Just do it.

- Just see if you like it.

- I will like it.

Just... I'm just saying,

just finish it, and let's, um...

Oh, what's that? Is that blood?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy, fella. Easy. Sonia, give us a hand.

Haresh.

- I said I didn't wanna look, didn't I?

- All right.

Have some water.

That's it. I'm not doing any more.

- No, no. Come on. We'll finish it up.

- No, no, no.

No, that's it.

No, we're not gonna finish it up.

At least let me clean it for you.

I said I didn't wanna look, you

made me look, and that's what happens.

I'll get a plaster on that.

It's good, innit?

That's there forever.

"You got any tattoos, David?" "Yeah."

"Can I have a look?" "Yeah."

Onwards and upwards.

I'm looking forward

to the next gig, actually,

'cause it's a student union.

And it's, um, a guaranteed crowd.

It's their big Saturday night.

So, er,

yeah, let's show them what we can do.

Here they are. The rabble.

I beat 'em here easy. The old Insignia.

Sat nav. So...

What kept you?

This way.

Uh-oh.

My ugly mug.

"David Brent. Shite Night"?

Why have they... That's...

"The crappiest entertainment

of the past 50 years."

F***'s sake, David.

Well, I didn't do it, did I?

They're pissed off with me.

Like I made the poster.

It wasn't their head

on a piece of dog sh*t, was it?

It was mine, so...

I can't do anything right.

Oh, for f***'s sake.

# Agadou dou dou dou

# Push pineapple shake the tree

# Agadou dou dou dou

# Push pineapple grind coffee #

Come in.

Oh, embarrassing. You caught me.

Well, I didn't catch you. I knocked.

- You said, "Come in".

- Yeah, sorry.

Totally lost in the art of kata.

Er, Japanese.

- So...

- Right.

- Do you do it?

- What?

- Martial arts?

- No.

- You're on in ten minutes. Right.

- You should.

Wado-Ryu would suit you

'cause you're wiry.

So what you lack in power,

you make up for in range and flexibility.

My problem is I'm literally all power.

So Shotokan. One punch.

So it's like,

"Oi, mate, I don't want any trouble."

"Well, I do." "Oh, sorry."

"Ooh, night-night, sleep tight.

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

"Sorry about the teeth.

I know a good dentist, Dr. Gupta.

"Tell him Brent sent you.

He'll know what happened."

- I'm gonna wait outside.

- See you later.

You all students?

- Yeah!

- Yeah, thought so.

You just got up?

You know, in time for countdown.

Um, who wants a T-shirt?

- Yeah!

- Yeah.

We're selling these,

but I'm gonna give one away now.

Look at this.

Say hello to my little friend. Scarface.

Yeah!

Let's get this party started. Now...

Chris Martin's best friend is Jay Z.

Frank Sinatra had Sammy Davis, Jr.

I've got one, too.

Please welcome Dom Johnson. Whoo!

Black. Well, mixed race.

I'm only actually used, when you

check it, on like two or three songs.

And it's his dad that's the white one.

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