David Brent: Life on the Road Page #4

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Whassup...

Quite expensive, that bus.

So, I think they'll enjoy it.

No, it's right that the lead singer

gets his own vehicle.

I think they're thinking of me...

If my headspace is right,

then the performance is better.

Clever.

Hotel.

Oh, life on the road. Love it.

It's all here.

Tea, coffee, TV, bed.

Just wanna sit down.

Desk, mirror.

Look at that.

It's all here.

Ah, all right.

Sound check.

I love sound checks.

Checking all the sound and...

I love being backstage.

And the band have insisted

I have my own dressing room, which is...

Yeah.

So, yeah.

Oh, my days.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Let's go and say hello.

Drugs raid!

Your faces...

No.

They don't do drugs.

Unless you count alcohol.

That is a drug, innit? So...

That's what makes me laugh,

all this, "Ban marijuana."

Shut up.

Ban it? Why? It's a drug, yeah?

So is your white wine.

Just a bit of weed.

Likkle bit of herb, innit?

- What, you just chilling out?

- Yeah.

Don't blame you.

I think I'm gonna go and...

See you later.

That's bad, innit?

- Do you wanna close it?

- Huh?

- Just close the door.

- Yeah.

That needs oiling.

Can we get a bit of bass?

Two.

Two. One, two.

One, two. Oh!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah! Let's go and get some beers.

You might as well stay up there,

as you're on in two minutes.

Really?

- When do they open the doors?

- They're open.

No one's come through

to see the first band on.

For... We, uh...

Well, can you tell them

they can come in for free?

- Well, you won't make any money, then.

- I know, but we want a crowd, don't we?

All right.

Oh, God.

I haven't even time

to change into my stage gear.

It's good that I'm always

sort of dressed for rock, isn't it?

- Double denim?

- Yeah.

- I never double denim.

- Always double denim.

Here they come. Come on in.

Welcome to Foregone Conclusion, Mark ll.

Not the original band. Um, long story.

Little bit of trivia though.

Mammogram's nephew, Stu Monkford.

Yeah. Got all his uncle's skills.

Not the sexual assault.

He hasn't any... Not yet, anyway.

His uncle didn't start till he was 40,

which is weird.

But as of now,

this dude has not raped anyone.

Just do the songs, David.

# Sold my shack in Memphis

# Bought me a Chevrolet

# Six string in the back

And a bottle of Jack

# And I headed down to Mexico way

# Singing ooh la la la

# Ooh la la la la lay

# Ooh la la la la la la la

# It's a beautiful day #

Guitar solo.

Back to back.

He went down. Tried to style it out.

Just can't believe it.

- I fell over.

- Yeah, I know.

- Do you think they noticed?

- Yes.

I'm spending three weeks of my life

on tour with this guy.

Here we go again.

# I work so hard

Just to pay my bills

# I play even harder

Yeah, life kills

# Now I'm burnin' rubber on the M25

# Got a crazy weekend

# Some of us won't make it out alive

# 'Cause this is my day

# Thank f*** it's Friday #

"I was worried about this tour,"

he admits.

Yeah. "What if it's a failure?

What if no one comes?

- "What if I haven't got what it takes?"

- Yeah.

And then, the ghost of Alexander O'Neal

visited me in a dream one night,

and said, "You have got what it takes,

and you owe it to the world to do this."

So...

But you know that was just

you thinking that, don't you?

I was dreaming it.

Well, either way, the ghost

of Alexander O'Neal didn't really come.

Hang on, Alexander O'Neal

isn't even dead, is he?

- Luther Vandross.

- Oh, okay.

It was Luther Vandross, not Alexander,

who is dead,

and one of the best

soul singers that's ever lived.

Or am I...

No, he's good.

- He's good.

- Ooh, from the horse's mouth.

So...

Okay, and did Luther

give you any other advice?

Did he talk about what it was costing?

- Did he...

- No, he just said it's gonna keep going.

So I think that means

this tour is gonna get better and better.

- It's not really a tour, though, is it?

- Well...

It's like seven or eight random gigs

over a three-week period.

Well, I couldn't fill all the dates.

But I'm gonna use that time

to create a buzz.

It's about...

It's the whole package with me.

Yeah, but this tour of yours

is over such a contained area

that we end up staying in these hotels,

and you could just drive to each gig.

You know, last night,

the drive from the gig to this hotel

was further than it was to your house.

That's the whole package.

That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, and do you know how many tickets

we've sold for the next gig?

- Do you wanna have a guess?

- Not many. But don't worry about that,

because I've secured an interview

on a radio station to sort all that out.

- Radio 1?

- No.

- Absolute?

- No.

- Is it Capital...

- Tadley FM.

# I lost my heart to a lady gypsy

# So long ago I forget her name

# But I still remember

The smell of the flowers

# And the way my life

Would never be the same #

Okay.

That was Lady Gypsy

by the chap sitting in front of me.

Now, you've never heard that track before

because it's never been released.

And it's never been released

because he doesn't have a record deal.

Mmm, who could that be?

Well, you've probably never heard of him.

But, uh, stars from reality TV shows,

such as Made In Chelsea

and The Only Way Is Essex,

they're household names these days.

But I am sitting with one

of the original docu-soap stars,

- David Brent.

- Hello.

Now, for our listeners

who've completely forgotten who you are,

which I certainly have. My bad. Sorry.

Or who weren't even born

when The Office was on TV.

You were part of a BBC Two documentary

that followed the life

of a paper merchant in Slough,

- called Wernham Hogg.

- Yeah. That's right. Yeah.

It was a bit like The Call Centre,

and you were a Neville of its day.

Well, I was the regional manager...

And how did it feel when people

were just walking around, going,

"Oh, my God, that manager,

he's such an... idiot"?

Well, you know...

- Didn't care?

- No, because...

- You weren't embarrassed?

- No, 'cause not everyone was saying that...

Not even a little bit? Quite embarrassing.

No, because a lot of people

thought it was very entertaining...

- Yeah, we love a loser, don't we?

- Yeah...

Well, anyway, so you're back,

and you're giving it another go.

Are you hoping to change

people's opinions of you this time?

- I'm not doing that any more...

- I'll tell you what.

Seeing as you're here,

can we just play "Sausage or Pie"?

- What is that?

- Uh, we play it with all of our guests.

Basically, I say a manufacturer's name,

and you tell me if it's a sausage or a pie.

- Right. Okay.

- Okay?

Now, you've got seven to knock

Christopher Biggins off the top spot.

Now that guy really knows his sausages

and his pies!

- Okay.

- Okay!

- You ready? Pukka?

- Yeah. Okay.

No, that's wrong. I gotta take

your first answer. It's actually...

I didn't know it was a question.

I thought it was...

- Fray Bentos?

- Pie.

Very good. Johnsonville?

- Pie.

- Wrong.

It's a sausage. Sorry.

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