Deadpool 2 Page #3

---

Russell belongs in our care.

Not in prison. I assure you...

we have everything

under control.

Stay back! I'll burn you!

Not getting a real

"under control"

vibe here, Marty.

- It is Glen, isn't it?

- Daniel.

I'll ask the questions.

Let me talk to the kid.

You stay here with your weird,

secret sex lips.

You wanna die?

This kid's adorable.

I don't know why I packed

the hollow points.

I'll burn your balls off!

First day. I'm so nervous!

Did you just say

"hollow points"?

Yeah, probably should've

brought a Super Soaker.

Hi, there!

Stay back or Justin Bieber dies!

Justin Bieber.

He called you Justin Bieber.

Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!

Okay, let's not do

whatever that is.

Okay? Let's just talk!

It's Russell, right?

- Firefist.

- Firefist.

Ooh, that's a great name.

Where does it burn?

Just the fist, or all the

way up to the elbow?

Definitely

all the way up to the elbow.

Come quietly,

or there will be trouble.

- You stole that from Robocop!

- That's from Robocop!

Just stand down!

You're embarrassing me.

Look, Fire...

Oh, my God! I can't say it!

I'm so sorry!

Oh, sh*t! That f***ing does it!

Put your hands behind your knees

and get down on your head! Now!

Wade! What was first rule?

Label everything

in the refrigerator!

- Do not escalate!

- Rules are meant to be broken!

That's the exact opposite

of what they're meant for!

F***! Fine!

I'll start from the beginning.

My name is Deadpool,

and I'm an X-Man.

- Trainee!

- Shut it!

Look, I get it.

All right, you're scared.

Alone.

You got no family.

I didn't have a family, either.

You live in this dump.

Guess what?

I used to live

in a shithole just like it.

But you know something?

To make matters worse...

it's a confusing time

in your life right now.

Your body is going through

some fiery changes.

Too far?

I went too far, didn't I?

That was effervescent.

Stay in school, kid.

Or don't. I didn't.

And I'm an X-Man.

Trainee.

F*** it!

Superhero landing coming up!

Ah, f***, f***, f***!

That is so not practical.

I could get used

to this X-Man sh*t.

Trainee!

Trainee!

Get a power restraint

on him. Now!

Calm down, squirt.

It's over. We got ya.

What's that do?

Power-dampening collar.

Shuts down all mutant abilities.

You can't get it off.

Unless you've got a grenade.

Huh. Could've used

one of those in the first act.

Thank you!

That was absolutely thrilling.

True heroism in action.

We are in your debt.

We can take it from here.

Take me to the Ice Box, please!

Anywhere's better than here.

Believe me, son,

you do not wanna go

to the Ice Box.

Let's get you inside, young man.

No, wait, wait. Wait.

You guys stay there.

Those guys hurt you?

Who?

Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?

Both of 'em?

Oh, f*** it.

Four or five moments!

I'm sorry?

Four or five moments!

That's all it takes

to be a hero.

People think

you wake up a hero...

brush your teeth a hero...

ejaculate into

a soap dispenser a hero.

But, no, being a hero

takes only a few moments!

A few moments...

doing the ugly stuff

no one else will do.

No!

Stand down! Hold your fire!

- Wade, what did you do?

- Colossus, no!

That kid was abused!

You can tell.

- You can always tell!

- We have rules!

You are not judge,

jury or executioner!

F*** your rules!

I fight for what's right!

And sometimes

you gotta fight dirty!

You let me down

for the last time, Wade.

Okay, get these guys in the pod.

Take them to the Ice Box.

Hey, baby!

I wonder what gang I'll be in.

Yeah!

- Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?

- Hi.

Go!

Hard left, douchebag.

Please, after you.

Another disgusting mutant

off the streets.

God bless America.

Let's get a taco.

Nighty-night,

you annoying prick!

I'mma tell you

what the big lie is.

Toilet paper.

Toilet paper

is a plenty fine appetizer.

But, then...

Huggies Natural Care wet wipes.

That's your main course.

They're soft, they're moist.

They're for babies.

Finally, one more pass

with the toilet paper,

maybe clear out

that excess moisture.

Maybe treat yourself

to a blow and go,

if you can get you a hair dryer.

Just about 30 seconds

will do you good.

The f***?

Year?

What?

What year is it?

What kind of dumb-ass

question is that to ask?

You're a long way

from your superpowers.

Yeah.

F***!

I wanted to be a superhero.

Always wanted a real super suit.

What happened?

When was the last time you saw

a plus-sized superhero?

Never.

The industry discriminates.

F*** superheroes.

F*** everyone.

The first thing I wanna do

when I get out of here...

burn the headmaster alive...

and then take a selfie

with his smoldering corpse.

Who says

prison isn't reformative?

F***er hates mutants.

Blessed are the wicked

who are healed by my hand.

Your abilities.

I know how seductive they are.

Now, please don't cry.

Tomorrow, we'll find

the biggest guy in here...

and we'll make him our...

What was that?

That is the biggest guy in here.

Fun fact about the Ice Box...

though no one's ever seen it,

they keep a monster

in the basement.

Right next to a huge,

steaming bowl of foreshadowing.

Look.

I can't protect you.

With this collar on,

my superpower

is just unbridled cancer.

Give me a bow and arrow,

I'm basically Hawkeye.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

I've got tumors to grow.

Vanessa awaits.

I'll start by making us a shank.

- Good listening.

- I stole that guard's pen...

and stashed it

in the old prison wallet,

if you know what I'm saying.

Prison wallet?

I really hope I don't know

what you're saying.

I can hear you

rummaging around in there.

And to update you

on the story reported earlier,

after a lengthy standoff

outside the Essex House

for Mutant Rehabilitation...

two mutants were arrested

and transported

to the Ice Box...

Entering repair mode.

Several

police cars were destroyed

and the X-Men were called in

to restore order.

Cells seven and nine

now off-limits

for medical personnel.

Cells seven and nine

now off-limits

for medical personnel.

Psst!

Don't do that.

What? Why are you winking at me?

I got your back.

Oh, my God.

You're sick,

I gotta protect you.

Just leave me alone, kid.

Oh, great.

Well, hello there, new fish.

It's nice to see some

fresh faces around here.

I've done some

light catalog work...

but, really, modeling is just

a stepping stone to acting.

- I was talking to him.

- Oh.

Have we met?

I can't place your mustache.

- Black Tom Cassidy.

- White Wade Wilson.

What's your superpower?

Cultural appropriation?

You're supposed to be

the toughest c*nt in here.

You don't look like much to me.

First rule of the yard,

fuckface...

find the biggest guy

and make him your...

Second biggest guy.

The last thing I need

is more hepatitis.

Oh, it's slippery, too.

This table needs a wipe down!

Can we get a wipe down

on the table?

Kid, I think you picked

the wrong side.

No, I didn't! He's my friend!

Zip it. We're not friends.

You're about to get

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes