Deadpool 2 Page #4

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dick-slapped.

I had so much fun!

You were like...

And I was like,

"Take a seat, sh*t dick."

Just let me die in peace.

We make a great team!

Oh, God! We're not a team.

Why'd you say that back there?

We're friends, partners.

We're not partners or friends.

This doesn't end with us

riding into the sunset.

It ends with me

dying of cancer...

and you winning the Ice Box

award for softest mouth.

There's only one person

in this world

that I care about,

and she's gone.

You wanna survive?

Stop trying to shank

the biggest guys in here...

and make friends with them.

Make friends with someone.

Anyone but me.

Maybe even Black Tim.

Black Evan, I don't know.

All I remember is

he was African-American.

System malfunctioning.

Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.

Back in your cells, you filthy mutants!

Get in there!

Cells 1, 3, 7, 8.

Searching.

Cell 04 located.

Door won't open!

On your f***ing knees!

That was our cell.

What did I do to piss off

a grumpy old f***er

with a Winter Soldier arm?

Get away from me, kid!

Listen to me! Go!

Hello, Russell.

Hello, superpowers.

Who are you?

I'm Batman.

Ooh!

Oh. That's got some zip.

Don't feel bad.

Even I can't kill me.

Talk!

What kind of

spineless sh*t stick

tries to kill a 14-year-old boy?

You might wanna start talking!

'Cause I got a long history of

firing at times like this!

The name's Cable.

I'm from the future.

Just walk away.

Oh!

So, you're from the future.

I have three questions then.

One, is dubstep still a thing?

Two, which Sharknado are we on?

And three, at what point

do audiences say...

"Enough with the robotic arms"?

Dubstep's for pussies.

You're so dark!

Are you sure you're not

from the DC universe?

I love dubstep!

Is that a fanny pack?

I used to have one of those

in 1990-never.

Something to remember you by.

Give me that back!

That goes with me everywhere.

Like the memory

of your f***ing fanny pack!

Why are you protecting the kid?

I don't give a f*** about him...

and his Are You My Mother?

Complex!

What's this one do?

In every film, there's a moment

when the hero hits rock bottom.

In Cool Runnings,

it was when John Candy's

prized bobsled broke.

In Human Centipede,

it was when those people...

signed on to be in that movie.

But in this film, well...

you're looking at it.

On your f***ing knees, mutant.

Rock...

meet bottom.

I love you, Wade Wilson.

Ness?

Hey, Ness!

Ness, can you let me in?

Please! Please.

Jesus.

You're not giving me

a lot of direction here.

I'm at the end of my rope.

Then I joined the X-Men.

I went to prison. I, uh...

Is it the kid?

Kids give us a chance to be

better than we used to be.

The kid!

That's exactly what she meant.

Your heart needs to be

in the right place.

I'm not gonna abandon this kid.

He's never had anyone, ever.

I need to be selfless.

Yeah, but what does that mean?

It means I'm gonna save Russell.

Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa...

but maybe I can save a robust

teenager from New Zealand.

Yeah, but what I mean is,

like, the world "selfless."

I literally don't know

what that means.

Jesus Christ.

Okay, look.

According to my guy, okay...

those muties

are being transferred

to a supermax, 80 miles away.

Great, I'll pick 'em off

along the way.

Hold your testicles there,

buddy, okay?

We're talking about

an armored convoy...

and a vicious super soldier

from the future...

that is looking to turn your

skull into a fuckable ashtray.

You know what we need to do?

We need to build a f***ing team.

We need 'em tough,

morally flexible...

and young enough

so they can carry

this franchise 10 to 12 years.

My body is an

instrument of death.

Not now, Dopinder.

I could be of great use.

What's your superpower?

- Courage.

- That's adorable.

Do you have the courage

to check and see...

if there are enough sanitary

napkins in the dispenser?

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry you had to see that,

although I'm glad you heard it.

All right, I'll put out

a call for resumes.

But we're not paying

medical or dental.

It's time to get back

on Linkedln.

Transport

will begin at 0800 hours...

Oi.

What the f*** do you want?

That's my f***ing pudding.

- F*** your pudding!

- You like pudding?

Hello?

I know you're in there.

Must be hard being the

biggest guy in here.

Lonely at the top, eh?

They're moving us tomorrow.

Maybe I can get you out of here.

And we can make

the whole world our b*tch.

We need a secret code.

No,

that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.

We're a team.

We're like thugs,

we're like gangsters.

I'm like Tupac,

and you're like Ice Cube.

Supposedly, she can rap, too.

I like that.

Terrific,

these are all terrific.

Meet Bedlam.

Cool name! Superpowers?

I can distort

electrical fields.

Including the one

inside your brain...

causing anxiety, confusion...

pain.

So, basically,

you're Dave Matthews.

We can use him.

I'm Zeitgeist.

Cool. I like it.

So you have the power

to put your finger

on the pulse of society?

No.

No, I spit acidic vomit.

- Oh.

- Do you want me

- to demonstrate?

- No!

We'll take your word for it.

Thank you. Yeah. Listen, we've

all eaten at Arby's, okay?

And this is the Vanisher.

But...

Vanisher!

Nice! Right?

He's not here, is he?

He may be running late.

My name's Rusty,

but I go by Shatterstar.

That's good, yeah.

- "Rusty" is terrible.

- Toughie.

- So, uh, where are you from?

- The planet Mojo World.

- So you're an alien, I guess.

- Bad name.

How does that, uh, help us?

I'm basically better

than you at everything.

Just once, I'm gonna find

a planet of people

that are worse than me

at everything.

A whole bunch

of functional idiots.

I'm gonna go there, and I'm

gonna be their Superman.

Isn't that Canada?

You shut your

goddamn trash mouth!

- Meet...

- Domino.

- What's your shtick?

- I'm lucky.

If you're so lucky, then what

are you doing here with us?

I don't know yet.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that I don't know yet.

But there's a reason

why I'm here,

and I'll know when I know.

Everything usually

works out for me.

Luck isn't a superpower.

- Yes, it is.

- No, it isn't.

- Yes, it is.

- No, ma'am.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Mario No-pez.

- Yeah.

- Nacho cheese.

No, it definitely is.

I really...

There's no way that it...

Sorry, I was interrupting you.

- Sorry. No, I interrupted you.

- No, no, no. You can go first.

Oh, I was just gonna say,

"No, it isn't."

I was gonna just bring it back

to that yes, it is.

Let's meet in the middle

and say, "No, it isn't."

- But it is.

- Okay.

- You're hired!

- You're hired.

Oh, lucky me.

She's great.

And last, but not least...

Peter.

Am I getting

catfished here or...?

Any powers you wanna

tell us about?

No.

I don't have one.

Um, I just saw the ad

and thought it looked fun.

You're in.

- Yeah.

- F***!

It's fulfilling work.

Let's go!

This is Convoy 17

departing the Ice Box.

We are en route.

Peacetime makes people soft.

I was born into war.

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