Deadpool 2 Page #6

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You probably get this a lot,

but I am a huge fan.

Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 411.

X-Men Unlimited 12.

You know, it has always been

a dream of mine...

to see my face

reflected in your helmet...

as you charge at me

with murderous intent.

I don't mean right now.

I'm gonna rip you in half now.

That is such

a Juggernaut thing to say.

Oh, my God!

I can't feel my legs.

I can't feel...

Oh, no, they're right here.

Got 'em. God, Russell.

I have a mission.

To get my revenge.

I'm going to burn

that headmaster alive.

You're not the revenge type.

Take it from a friend.

Friend? You were sick,

and I protected you.

You said it yourself.

"I'm not your friend.

Find someone stronger."

So I did.

Russell, I couldn't

protect you back then.

But I can now. What do you

want me to say, huh?

"I care about you"?

'Cause goddamn it,

I care about you, Russell.

What's Juggernaut got

that I don't have?

Don't you say legs! I know

you're gonna say legs!

- Legs!

- Still hurts to hear out loud!

What is that?

That's not a real rope!

You get back here, young man!

Doms!

Doms, get me

out of here, please.

Use my arms as backpack straps.

I think we may have found

your cosmic reason

for being here.

I'm pretty sure this isn't it.

X-Force.

No child is hopeless.

Don't give up on the boy.

How could he just walk away?

It was the coldness in his eyes.

You should've heard it.

I guess family

really is an F-word.

Rub my legs, Mama.

Why would I rub your legs?

Please, they hurt.

I have growing pains.

What in the...

Why is your hand so tiny again?

That's not my hand.

Oh! Mary, mother of Joseph!

That was nice for me.

Wade! I heard what happened

with the convoy and...

Why wouldn't you cover that up?

A warrior has nothing

to be ashamed of.

Yeah, but you do. Look at you.

You're just

straight shirt-cocking it,

toddler-style.

Oh, yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh.

The hell's happening?

Describe it.

I wouldn't ask him to

do that, if I were you.

- It's like, um...

- Here we go.

It's like he was

giving birth anally,

but they quit halfway through.

They got the legs out,

and they said,

"You know what, I'm done."

Happy?

It's like he's a Muppet

from the waist down.

But this time, you can see

the Muppet's dick.

Grover's got a cock

the size of a twig.

Mr. Weasel, I can

no longer be double-parked.

I've had three tickets already.

No, no, no, DP, not again!

This has happened before?

- -Jesus! Either vomit or don't.

The indecision is killing me.

Why couldn't God

take my hearing?

Oh. Wow!

Cool your pits.

They're growing back.

I'm talking about your face.

I've never seen you

without your mask before.

- Jesus Christ!

- Looks like an avocado.

Your legs, though, they're cute.

You wanna borrow

a pair of pants?

I'm glad everybody dropped by.

You must be wondering

why I didn't call you here.

I'll tell you why I'm here.

"The Time Traveler's Wife's"

husband...

beat me within

an inch of my life.

He was torturing me!

But all I told him was

everything he wanted to know.

So, I'm here to help us gear up.

So we can go after him

without me.

No!

I'm doing this alone.

The Juggernaut

- will kill you all.

- Fair enough.

I just need a couple of

hours to get some legs

- under me.

- What will you do?

I don't care

what the kid did to me.

I ain't letting Cable

get to him,

even if I have to

teabag him to death.

It's really just a sip

of tea at this point.

Zip it, black Black Widow!

I'm flowing.

The first order of business is

to get me in front of Cable...

so I can pull all the f***ing

blood out of his body...

and fashion his bones

into holiday jewelry.

Then, I'm gonna take his skin...

and stretch it out

over a homemade mating drum.

He's standing

right behind you, isn't he?

What in the ass?

Is this apartment listed

on Tinder? Grindr?

You picked the wrong shithole

to f***, future boy.

Ugh. Is that really necessary?

No. It's his "Basic Instinct."

What can we help you with?

I'm here to proposition you.

Oh, boy!

He's really teeing it up,

isn't he?

Who gets to make the first joke?

I think we should all

do it at the same time.

Good call.

For $45, you get sucky-suck.

I only do over

the pants, mouth stuff.

F***!

The Proposition has a wonderful

Guy Pearce performance.

Wait, wait, wait!

I wanna do mine over.

- Give us the line again.

- I need your help!

Trust me, I'm even less happy

about this than you are...

but you unleashed the

Juggernaut, you dumb c*nt!

I can't bring him down alone.

So here we are.

We're no longer

accepting applications

for X-Force, unfortunately.

Even if we were...

there's a wind advisory

in effect until at least...

We don't have a lot of time.

Your friend's about

to make his first kill.

No offense,

but if you know so much...

why not travel back to when

he was a baby, kill him then?

Or better yet, head back

a little further,

kill baby Hitler.

I use a device

to slide through time.

The longer I travel,

the harder it is to control.

I got two charges:

one to get me here,

one to get me home.

Well.

That's just lazy writing.

Your boy's

gonna kill the headmaster

of the orphanage tonight.

After that,

he gets a real taste for it.

Like 10-year-old

Kirsten Dunst, motherf***er!

So he keeps killing...

and killing, and killing,

and killing.

Until one day, he kills

the wrong f***ing people.

My people.

Relax.

I'm retrieving something

from my utility bag.

It's a goddamn fanny pack...

and you know it,

you sick son of a b*tch!

The difference is night and day.

You remind me of my wife.

I'm sorry.

I said, "You remind me

of my wife."

No, I'm sorry

that you said that...

while making heavy eye contact

and applying lip balm.

She always struggled.

But she was funny...

and filtered her pain

through the prism of humor.

Something I could never master.

It was my fault she died.

It was my job

to stop people like him.

I came close a few times.

He wasn't too happy about that.

He was trying to hurt me...

and he knew exactly

how to do it.

Blessed are the wicked

who are healed by my hand.

He came into my home...

and took the only thing

that made it a home.

Sound familiar?

- I'm sorry.

- Uh-huh.

No, I'm really sorry.

But that isn't Russell.

- It doesn't have to be him.

- If you knew what I knew...

Yeah, he's got anger issues...

maybe a small

learning disability...

splash of diabetes...

but nothing that can't be fixed.

If you could go back...

and stop the people that took

your girl, would you?

Of course I f***ing would!

But I wouldn't kill a kid.

I'm not asking you

to kill a kid!

I'll kill the kid.

I'm asking you to save

hundreds of other kids.

Russell's gonna burn down

that orphanage.

And I can imagine

your dead girlfriend...

would want you to do the

right thing, wouldn't she?

So, what's it gonna be,

handsome?

Give me a chance to save him.

- What?

- You said...

once he kills someone,

he gets a taste for it.

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