Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts Page #2

[Patton]:
Hahaha! I don't know! I'm just glad the movie had a happy ending. That is what makes good cinema.

[Virgil]:
So, there wasn't really a ghost? *scoff* Talk about ghost baiting.

[Roman]:
Of course, she wasn't a ghost, ghosts are evil! Except for Moana's grandmother.

[Patton]:
Well, there's one thing I know; Reese Witherspoon isn't *voice breaks* EVIL...

[Virgil]:
Ha! I resent that. Ghosts aren't evil. They just scare people because you never know when they're gonna *voice changes* SHOW UP!

[Roman]:
Okay, okay! I take back what I said about ghosts!

*thud*

[Patton & Thomas]: AAHH!!

[Patton]:
YOU KILLED HIM!!

[Roman]:
...uuuuhhhh...

[Logan]:
Ah. It's the Duke.

[creepy music intensifies]

[Duke]:
Boo!

[Thomas]:
The DUKE?! Okay! Care to explain further!?

[Duke]:
*evil laughter*

[Thomas]:
Who is he? WHAT IS HE DOING HERE??

[Duke]:
Oh, I just love showing up where I'm not invited!

[music starts]

[Thomas]:
CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHO HE IS?!

[Patton]:
It's kinda hard to explain...

[Duke]:
What?! No, it's not! You just lack imagination! Let's start from the beginning. ♪ Adam and Eve bought knowledge for the small price of a little sin. They also lost eternal life but what's fruit without the pits? ♪

[Logan]:
Apples don't have pits.

[Duke]:
♪ I am The Duke! And it's high time that I dropped in. And since you haven't puked yet, we'll know they're wrong when they call you sick. ♪

[Patton]:
(retches)

[Duke]:
♪ It's unicorn horns and dragon tails, Roman's dull creativity~. If you want the spectrum A to Z, then you'll need a little help from me~! From unicorn porn to rats impaled, I give these thoughts generously! If you really want to challenge your viewership, then you need to stop limiting me! ♪

[Thomas]:
♪ What in the sh- [plate shatters] have I been drinking!? ♪

[Logan]:
It's fine.

[Patton]:
♪ It isn't you, these thoughts you're thinking! ♪

[Virgil]:
ALRIGHT! ♪ You've got to stop this guy from singing! ♪

[Duke]:
I love how hard you try, it's so cute! Let's resume. Sure... ♪ People don't like me much, Thomas! But that's only just cause I'm honest! Good and bad is all made up nonsense! ♪

[Roman]:
Bro, I'm gonna whip your butt!

[Duke]:
Do you promise? Thomas! Speaking of honesty, recently a snake offered me a morsel from the tree of knowledge. ♪ He said, "You're wanting to be more honest and be direct dealing with your issues? No longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you." ♪ Neat! ♪ You wanna face facts? I've got one. Your late-night thoughts get pretty sick, dude. If you shared those musings with your friends, I doubt they would forgive you. Even though everybody sins, Everybody dies. Why deny yourself knowledge? Say~ knowledge of yourself? You don't need to feel ashamed with your dear ol' Duke! You need not feign decency. You see this house on fire? I see it too! 'Cause you've got a fiend in me! So, clap your feet, and stomp your hands, and dance off your booty cheeks! You can then bet your bottom I'll still be around when all your loved ones leave! Imagine with me: Licking the blowhole of a dolphin. Your best bud trapped inside a coffin. Your grandma choking on a lozenge. Your pet dog stuffed into a sausage. *dog squeals* These sorts of things are only thought in the mind of a man whose soul is truly rotten. So let all your hopes of heaven be forgotten 'cause your head's not in the gutter, pal, it's in hell!~ Hell! Hell!!!~ The kind of mind you'd only find in HELL! ♪

*music stops*

[Patton]:
That... was horrible!

[Thomas]:
And horribly unhelpful! Look, Mr. Duke, I'm really stupid right now. Just... tell me who you are, simply.

[Duke]:
Why I'm your creativity! *squealing trumpet noise*

[Thomas]:
N-nooo. That's... that's Roman.

[Duke]:
Yeah, also me though.

[Thomas]:
...what?

[Logan]:
*sigh* Roman is sort of like, Netflix Kids and Family. He's the option that you select if you want to, um-

[Duke]:
Block out all the juicy stuff~

[Virgil]:
Don't say "juicy" in that context.

[Duke]:
Ah. Juicy butthole?

[Thomas]:
LESS okay.

[Patton]:
Yeah, your... b-hole needs to stay zipped up in your pants where it belongs!

[Duke]:
Why do you want to stifle your own creativity, Thomas?

[Thomas]:
I'm sorry that I don't see the creative merit in "juicy butthole".

[Duke]:
Oh come ON, Thomas! There are different kinds of creativity! Just take Jeffrey Dahmer! (stutters) I mean acid-brain sex zombies? That's ri-

[Thomas]:
Gah! Lemme stop you right there! Jeffrey Dahmer was not CREATIVE, he was DESTRUCTIVE, and I'll thank you to never bring him up again.

[Patton]:
That's right! Just shut it down, Thomas!

[Logan]:
You should do no such thing. You cannot force the Duke to retire a topic of conversation.

[Duke]:
Yeah, repression can be... very bad, indeed. I mean, just take Jeffrey Dahmer.

[Thomas]:
*grunts in frustration*

[Duke]:
He used to have these, *chuckles* pretty funny thoughts about torturing animals.

[Patton]:
*gasps in horror*

[Duke]:
But ya know? He hated them. He thought they were horrible, and he tried to FORCE THEM OUT! Lot of good that did him!

[Logan]:
It didn't do him any good.

[Duke]:
Yeah- *stutters* right.

[Logan]:
In fact, that kind of repression doesn't do ANYBODY any good, because it doesn't work. In the 1980s, Virginia psychologist Daniel Wegner performed the White Bear experiments which demonstrated that the more one tries to force out a thought, the more intrusive, and/or repetitive said thought becomes.

[Duke]:
♪ JEFFREY DAHMER! ♪

[Thomas]:
STOP!

[Logan]:
I will... ugh... begrudgingly forgo the scientific method for a quicker, simpler replication of the experiment. Uh, Patton.

[Patton]:
Hmm?

[Logan]:
We will need you to talk about anything you want for the next minute.

[Patton]:
W-... Uhh... Alright, but, uh... hold on to your ears, because I'm about to talk 'em off.

[Duke]:
*ripping sound* Hold on to my ears? Done and done!

[Patton]:
GAah!

[Thomas]:
Ugh, great! Great! Ew!

[Patton]:
You put those back on right now, mister!

[Duke]:
♪ I can't hear you!!! ♪

[Logan]:
I need you to focus.

[Patton]:
Oh, right! Uhhhh... Okay. So, do I just start talking whenever?

[Logan]:
I will cue you. But-Before you begin, don't think about, uhhh...

[Duke]:
A goldfish in a condom!

[Patton]:
Ugh!

[Thomas]:
HO-kaayy.

[Logan]:
That works. Go!

[Patton]:
Uh, once upon a time there was a gold- - en girl...

[Thomas]:
Mmm.

[Virgil]:
Good save.

[Patton]:
who lived in a con-, condominium! Okay, Logan, has it been a minute yet?

[Logan]:
Not even close. But, you did exactly what I needed you to do.

[Patton]:
*gasps* Mm! ♪ Patton did a real good job. ♪

[Duke]:
You know, you took some creative liberties. But I give you my blessing!

[Logan]:
In Wegner's experiments, subjects were asked to speak about whatever they wanted. With only one caveat: They were not allowed to think about a white bear. Despite that rule, according to Wegner, subjects mentioned the bear about once per minute.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote