Dean Slater: Resident Advisor Page #6

- Don't you dare walk away.

Your Skype masturbation

privileges are so over!

- Oh, check the voicemail,

by the way.

FEMALE SPEAKER (VOICEMAIL): You

have 300,000 new messages.

- We want internet, we want

internet, we want internet,

we want internet, we want

internet, we want internet,

we want internet, we want

internet, we want internet,

we want internet,

we want internet.

- When Larry Page and Sergey

Brin created their first

search engine, the one that

would later become Google, do

you know what they called it?

BackRub.

Do you know why?

Because they were in college.

They wanted to be rubbed.

They wanted to be touched.

- I wanna be touched.

- We all wanna be touched,

literally, figuratively,

spiritually, physically.

Just maybe college is a time for

a little more backrub and

a little less Facebook

in your world view.

Maybe having a smartphone

doesn't make you smart.

Maybe the best it can

do is inform you.

You are in charge of becoming

well-formed.

Do you know why we evolved

an opposable thumb?

So we could text.

- So we could give backrubs?

- So we could grasp the party

cup of life and satiate our

thirst for the true and the

beautiful, the real.

Lift up your thumbs.

Let us give thanks.

Blessed are the taste-makers,

for they set

the tone of the world.

Blessed are the C students,

for a life in balance is

anything but average.

- Chancellor Norden, we have

assets in position.

Just say the word and

we'll take him down.

- Blessed are the curious,

for theirs

is the path of discovery.

- Take him down.

- OK, easy [INAUDIBLE].

For god's sakes, this

is not the Pentagon.

...for a dropped call is

a chance to reflect.

Blessed are the over-diploma'd

baristas, for knowledge has

its own rewards.

- Are you even listening

to what he's saying?

- No, sir.

I have this in my ear.

- Well, why don't you

take it out?

You might learn something.

- Blessed are the butcher, the

baker, the candlestick maker,

for they are not lawyers.

Reach out and Sharpie

your name on

the red cup of history.

Friends, countrymen, collegians,

ask not where the

party is, ask what party you

can bring to the world!

[CHEERING]

- You two better get

out of here.

- I'm Tyler Harris.

I killed the internet.

[BOOING]

- I'm sorry.

I promise I'll fix it.

Come on.

You can help me.

- He made a mistake, but he was

man enough to own it, even

though you know, you know

he did you a favor.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

Yeah, I mean,

guys, he's not wrong.

- When you get back online, don't

ever go all the way off

the grid like I did.

It could cost you the

love of your life.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

Oh, this is the "Dopus. "

- We were up all night

reading the "Dopus. "

- The whole last part

is about you.

- The whole thing is about you.

- Whole thing, except chapter

12 on yodeling.

- That's creepy.

He was telling the

whole school.

- Oh my gosh.

- What are you guys doing?

- Face-looking.

- It's like Facebooking.

- But real.

- I'm Catherine, hometown

Portland, currently in a

committed relationship.

What's your status?

- In a relationship?

- You guys coming to the buzz

check party tonight?

- The "Dopus" says every morning

after is the morning

before tonight.

- Wait, you guys read

the "Dopus?"

- Everybody has.

- One, two.

One, two.

One, two.

One, two.

- What's up, buddy?

- And remember, stay focused.

CROWD (OFFSCREEN): One, two.

One, two.

One, two.

- Total [? fo?].

- Fixed the internet.

- Yeah?

- Whatever, dude.

Look around.

Overnet, boom.

- Tyler!

Tyler Harris!

- Precisely who I'm

looking for.

- Dean?

Dad?

- Son, this hacking thing

has gone and caught

some people's attention.

- You're damn right it has.

- The Advanced Secure

Surveillance Weaponize

Internet Protocol Enforcement

Department?

- That's right.

- ASSWIPED?

- How did we miss that?

- It seems the dean of Caltech

caught your little hack and

was very impressed.

You've only missed the first

three weeks of the semester,

so they're making a

special exception.

You're back in.

You start tomorrow.

- You look at that letter, you'll

see that Uncle Sam has

offered you a full ride to

Caltech, if you come to work

for him after graduation.

CORY (OFFSCREEN):

Good job, dude.

That's huge, man.

- Congratulations, Tyler.

- I'm sorry, Dad, I'm just not

cu t out to be ASSWIPED.

I'm a Biting Crab now.

- Yeah.

- Son, I want you to understand

what an honor and privilege it

is to be an SCSU parent.

And a hug [INAUDIBLE].

Straight A's.

Straight A's.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

- Pincers down, pincers down.

Get outta here.

Get outta here.

- Hey, we got a right

to be here!

- I don't think so.

Break it up.

The chancellor wants

a word with you.

- Dean Slater, it's

been a long time.

- I didn't quite make

it to eternity.

- On behalf of the regents and

faculty of Southern California

State University, I'd like to

extend to you the chair of the

newly formed philosophy

department, the School of Arts

and Sciences.

We are lifting the ban.

Dean Slater, we've

read the "Dopus. "

- I got my Ph. D. while

I was off the grid.

It's very generous, but there

are some bans that

have yet to be lifted.

- Status has been upgraded

to probation.

- Interim dean, four-year term.

- Yes!

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS]

- Oh, sh*t.

- [SPEAKING SPANISH]

- [SPEAKING SPANISH]

[CAR HORN PLAYING

"LA CUCARACHA"]

- [SPEAKING SPANISH]

[LAUGHTER]

- [SPEAKING SPANISH]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

- He'll need to be medicated.

- Actually, it went right in.

Come on.

Absolutely not.

Dude, don't be gay.

You got it?

Ooh.

Ooh.

[FARTING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

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