Dean Slater: Resident Advisor Page #5

really have to pee.

- I have a better idea.

It's time for some social

not-working.

- I told you it wasn't

gonna work.

- Hold on, hold on.

Sh*t.

Yuji, do your thing.

- Oh, you got it.

- Oh, gosh.

OK.

- I thought you had to pee.

- I got stage fright.

Think of lemonade

or something.

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, come on, come on.

- Ooh yeah, that's good.

- I got not enough stream.

- Come on, come on.

- I think someone's coming.

- Come on.

- Oh, yeah!

- Oh, dude, dude.

- Yeah!

Ah!

- Woo!

Hoo-hoo!

- There we go.

- No way.

- Oh, what the f***?

- Uh...

- Sorry.

Yeah.

- You know what all

this shiz is?

- Dude, he got into Caltech.

- Oh, where is it?

- I'm not putting my prints

on anything.

- Oh, I probably just left

my DNA in the wazz.

There may be some sloughed

epithelial cells, but not

enough to get a clean sample.

- Unless you dropped a pube.

- Uh, excuse me?

I'm an American.

I fly bald eagle.

- Yeah, well you know, when I

fly the bullshit flag, I'm

pretty sure wazzing and

entering is a crime in

- Relax, I'm putting everyone

back online the second I can

Besides, the whole campus goes

dark, Veronica can't b*tch.

- Pretty sure Veronica could

b*tch her way out of a black

- Why are you even with her?

- I don't know, man.

It started out cool, and then

it just sort of was.

And then, you know, next thing

you know, I'm getting fitted

for a tux to prom in a

tux that she picked.

And I hadn't even

asked her yet.

Do you know what?

Give me that cable.

Let's do this.

- Yeah.

Do what?

- Kill the internet.

- You're gonna kill

the internet.

- I'm betting the campus I guys haven't updated the

router firmware since 1998.

So they'll never even know that

I just routed outgoing

traffic right back

home to mama.

It's like hacking candy

from a baby.

Now the hard part.

- The phones?

When you place a cell call, it

goes from your handset to the

cell tower, down a wire, to

this manager right here.

Then your call's converted to

Voice-over-IP and dispatched

down trunk lines that go out

to multiple SIP providers.

So all I have to do is log in

and declare one really big

- That's what I would do.

Wait, what's that exception?

- Look, all you need to know is

all the phone calls are gonna

be forwarded to Cory's phone.

- Wha... what?

Why my phone?

- That's not even your phone.

Veronica gave it to you.

- Oh, I know we should have

just peed on it.

- Trust me, this is better.

[PHONE RINGING]

TYLER (OFFSCREEN): I guess

it's already working.

YUGI (OFFSCREEN): Oh.

CORY (OFFSCREEN): Oh, no.

- We should leave.

[SECURITY ALARM]

- Which way's the exit?

- It was this way.

Come on.

- Approaching southwest corner

of the technology building.

Hmm?

Huh.

Saki?

- Traveling light?

- You know I'm not going.

- I don't know that.

- And yet somehow I always

know you're not staying.

Nice bindle.

- Thank you.

It's a big, beautiful

world, Sam.

Come with me.

Let me show it to ya.

- It all sounds so good.

It always sounds so good.

They're just sounds, Dean.

They're not even

words anymore.

What's the word count on your

magnum opus these days?

-269,185.

- When's my birthday?

I have two more words for you.

The end.

- I only know that because it

just so happens to be two more

than the "Odyssey" and "The

Iliad" combined, which is kind

of a big deal for me.

Doesn't that ever

happen to you?

When you know it, when it... when

it's right there, it's...

you just can't...

[DOOR SHUTS]

- February 13.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

[YAWN]

Good morning, internet.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

Good morning, Facebook.

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

Good morning, Instagram.

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

What the...

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Um,

do you guys know if the

internet is, like,

not working?

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN):

Nothing is working.

It's BS.

VERONICA (VOICEMAIL): Hi, you've

reached Cory's phone.

Leave a message and I

will call you back.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Cory

sounds like a little b*tch!

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): No!

No!

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): It

just says "connecting. "

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): It

keeps saying "connecting. "

VERONICA (VOICEMAIL): You've

reached Cory's phone.

Leave a message and I...

- Oh, man, it doesn't matter

what number I call.

I get some b*tch named Cory.

- How am I supposed to write a

term paper without Wikipedia?

- Yeah, I don't f***ing

know, man.

- Do you know where

the internet is?

- I will suck your dick for

some internet if you know

- Oh my god, listen

to this sh*t!

VERONICA (VOICEMAIL): Leave

a message and I

will call you back.

Oh, man, you... you b*tch, how

about you show your f***ing

face so we can all kill you.

Ah!

- [SCREAMING]

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): You

d*cks are our only hope.

- Hey, um, i... is Hanna here?

- She went to class.

You know you chipper

her tooth, right?

- And I suppose you have no

idea what happened to the

internet, Mr. Caltech.

- OK, well, if... if you guys... if

you guys see her, will you

tell her I'm looking

for her, please?

- Mmm.

- No.

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Oh

my god, my wall... my birthday

wall is empty.

- F***ing walls, man.

F***ing walls.

- When you find yourself running

away, like the hunter

from the angry buffalo, slow

down like the patient tortoise

and begin to walk toward...

- Towards what?

- Just toward.

- You know what?

Screw your Socratic questions

and smoked-out parables, OK?

I'm gonna go figure

out how to get

unfucked in the real world.

And I thought you

quit smoking.

FEMALE SPEAKER (ON TAPE):

[INAUDIBLE] is

one of nature's sounds.

- You know, Mr. Caltech, just

because we're not as smart as

you doesn't mean we're stupid.

How did you manage to shut

down the internet for the

entire school?

And how are all of everyone's

calls being forwarded to Cory?

- It was simply, really,

in a kind of

ridiculously complex way.

- Well, you better go fix it.

I don't want to have to be

visiting you in jail.

- You'd visit me in jail?

- I kissed you, didn't I?

- I wanted to tell you that

there's this viral video of

me, and taken out of context,

can be completely disturbing.

But some people call me...

- Fart Loader?

I know.

I'm Cat Licker.

Now, when the cat presents

itself, lick the...

140 million views, not

counting from you.

- Y... you're Cat Licker?

I love that.

And you know what?

No, no, you're not Cat Licker.

That's not who you are.

I gotta get back to campus

and fix this.

- They can wait an hour, two.

- OK.

[MUFFLED VOICES INSIDE]

- Don't you ever let the

battery go dead!

- Who the f*** is that?

- What the f*** are

you doing here?

- What the hell are

you wearing?

- This isn't high school.

This is Berkeley.

Things are more advanced.

- Yo, are you OK?

- He's fine.

- I can't believe that you

would just show up here.

I swear, Cory, sometimes you

are completely stupid.

- Make that your background.

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