Dear Dictator Page #2

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- I'm busy.

You don't know where I want you to go.

Yeah, to your geezer boyfriend's,

so you can sit outside

- and see if he's cheating on you.

- I'm sure he's with someone else.

Like his wife?

OK, go up. Look in the windows.

He said he was gonna be home, but...

he hasn't returned any of my texts.

The lights are on.

Go.

March up there and scout out the target,

soldier.

Go!

Oop!

Come on, come on!

Let's go!

- Was he there?

- What do you think? He lives there.

With his lovely wife and his two kids.

Those aren't even his kids.

They're her kids from another marriage.

And that Patty b*tch isn't so lovely.

She is a psycho b*tch who spends

all of his money and acts like...

Like what?

Like she's married to him?

Sh*t! My armband!

Mom, we got to go back.

Dear Anton,

thanks for the armband.

I'm wearing it right now

even though my mom hates it,

but I hate my mom,

so that makes us even.

To be honest,

I'm not wearing it right now,

because it fell off when I was

running away from someone.

Long story. I hope everything

is going good with your country.

From Tatiana.

Dear Tatiana,

I'm sorry you and your mother

are feuding.

I have a daughter

who is a little older than you,

and at times,

she does not like me either.

Things in my country

are difficult right now.

There is a rebel faction

that wants to overthrow

the government

and behead me and my family.

It is stressful.

It feels like

there is no one I can trust.

Oh, I can totally relate

about the trust thing.

I just got dicked over by a teacher

who's got a stick up his butt

'cause I wrote to you.

To give you an idea

of the loserdom at my school,

there's a group of girls who

call themselves Slushies.

It stands for "sluts and lushes".

Sarvia is the one they all worship,

which is a joke if you ever saw her.

She thinks whale tails look good.

And somehow,

everyone agrees with her.

Borderline retarded, right?

Anyway, I'm sorry that people

wanna kill you and your family.

That's messed up.

By the way,

what's your favourite colour?

Your letters have been

a welcome respite from my struggles.

In addition to making threats

of invasion,

the United States

supports the rebel army

and has placed an embargo

around our borders.

It is impossible for goods

to come in or out.

My people cannot get medical supplies,

and many people are dying.

My favourite colour is purple.

I like purple too.

Does the embargo mean that

you can't download cool music?

That blows.

Maybe I can rip a CD for your daughter.

Does she like classic '80s hardcore?

Bands like the Meatmen,

the Dead Kennedys,

Gangrene, Dead Milkmen,

the Butthole Surfers, Agent Orange?

Oh, definitely the Circle Jerks.

Thank you for your lively music.

My daughter enjoyed it.

The rebels have surrounded the capital.

I know it sounds psycho

'cause we've never even met, but...

sometimes I feel like

you're the only one who gets me.

My correspondence will be less frequent.

Big bummer.

PS, I drew you a picture.

Mom, what's going on in there?

You better not OD

on cough syrup again!

What happened?

He fired me.

He said I was causing him added stress.

He didn't complain

about added stress when...

when I was doing that thing that his...

that his wife won't let him do.

- No, ew, Mom. Too much.

- No, it's not what you think.

God, I let him put my...

No, no, no. I really don't need to know.

But, um, I think it's safe to say

Mr Sexpot wasn't your ticket

to the American dream.

It's OK.

Hey, Den.

You know this maxi pad?

Yeah, we know each other.

We jam together.

Tatiana, Sarvia.

Sarvia, Tatiana.

We're already acquainted.

When'd you get back from Jesus camp?

I tried your cell all night.

Oh, that must've been when we were...

"busy".

I just wanted to let you know

that I wrote back to the dictator.

I heard about that little

genius plan of yours.

I don't mean to crush your dreams,

but, you know,

your pen pal's probably dead.

- What do you know about it?

- It's all over Twitter.

We droned the sh*t out of

his country this morning.

Everything's all blown up.

The palace

of communist dictator Anton Vincent

has been under siege

for the past three days.

US-backed island nationals

have ousted what would be

the last of the colonial families.

Vincent, a third-generation strongman,

is still unaccounted for.

- Why aren't you in school?

- Shh!

Don't shush me.

You know, you're already on thin ice.

...to the islanders,

who are now shelling his palace

and pillaging his residence.

- Off.

- Leave me alone, all right?

Hey, Tats.

Did you miss me?

- What kind of name is Sarvia anyway?

- Biblical. From the Old Testament.

Oh. I bet her dad would be mighty proud

to find out how skanky

his daughter really is.

It's not just... her.

Tats, me and Sarvia...

We uh... We had sex.

Liar.

She brought some Molly on the trip

and we took it, and it was crazy.

I'm going to hell, Tats.

- I don't believe you. You're lying.

- I wish I were.

She made me record the whole thing.

No. I don't wanna see that!

I'm sending it to you anyway.

There. Sent.

Maybe it'll purge me.

Say something. Please?

- Get out.

- Tats, I don't know what...

Get out!

Get the f*** out! Go!

Get out!

It's you.

Yeah. It's me.

Don't make a sound.

I want some water, some food

and a computer for the World Wide Web.

OK? I'm going to remain here

and don't do anything foolish

because if they find me here,

we could both die.

You understand? OK?

- Go. Go on.

- Oh, my God.

Do we have any real food in this house?

What, are you on a health kick?

No, but it would be nice

if we had something other than candy.

I'm here.

OK.

Did you bring the provisions?

The modem's in my room.

The... The World Wide Web?

But you have to wait till my mom's gone.

- Oh.

- OK?

- I apologise if I frightened you.

- It's OK.

Uh, did you bring

your daughter with you?

No, she's hidden on the island.

I'm waiting till I contact

my comrades tomorrow.

With your help.

OK. Also, um, this is all we had.

Red Bull, Fun Dust.

But it's a pretty sick combination,

I think.

Give me.

Yeah, it's a little strong. Here.

Hold out your hand.

OK.

You're smaller than I imagined.

And you're older.

What the hell?

You can't be in here!

I'm trying to contact my comrades.

How do you use this device?

OK, you're not even

in my mail program.

If my mom sees you, she'll wig out.

- I'm not even half-joking.

- This is no time for petty matters.

Tatiana,

two minutes, and I'm dust!

I have to go to school!

What am I supposed to tell her?

Uh, tell her you're sick.

You'll learn far more with me

than from the US education system.

Tatiana!

Are you on meth?

- Why aren't you dressed?

- I... I think I'm sick.

Oh. Great.

Dragged my ass out of bed for nothing.

Well, you need to find a job, don't you?

Look who's telling who what's what.

Worry about yourself, missy.

I am. You don't work, I don't eat.

- Has she gone?

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