Dear Dictator Page #3

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- She will be.

Good.

My comrades are waiting

for me for instructions.

I am organising a revolutionary force

and I will retake the capital.

For this, I need your help.

You need my help?

I'm not exactly a revolutionary.

No, you are infinitely

more capable than you think you are.

The only people who agree with you

are right here in this room

and I'm not one of them.

I'm going! If you so much as

step out of this house,

I'm gonna kick you

in the ass when I'm back!

Love you too, Mom.

- I assume you have a video camera.

- Why would you assume that?

You Americans fill your homes

with things you don't need.

OK, but apparently you need it.

We don't have video cameras.

We have cellphones

with cameras on them.

Oh, well, we'll use that then, eh?

Um, you're not taking hostages

or anything, are you?

'Cause just so you know,

I am uncool with that.

- No, no, no.

- OK.

Oh, and I need a... clean shirt.

My mom got that

at a hygienist convention.

It's nice, yeah?

OK, action.

Comrades, countrymen, brothers-in-arms,

Anton Vincent is alive

and building an army of thousands.

I will return, and together,

we will repel the invaders.

Never give up. Never falter.

Homeland or death.

How was that?

Jealous cowards try to control

Rise above,

we're gonna rise above

They distort what we say

OK, turn it off.

We're done.

OK. A classic song of revolt,

but it's your call.

We must hand-deliver a copy of the video

to the offices of CNN.

Dude, you really are in the Dark Ages.

We can just post it.

No posts! A hard copy.

Fine. I'll burn a DVD.

There's a local news studio...

Then we bring it there.

OK, sorry to be a buzzkill,

but we're lacking wheels.

In my country,

we ride on legs, not foreign oil.

We can't ride our bikes there.

It's two miles.

We ride.

Fine. But you need a disguise.

Well, you're a better

well-dressed man than I was.

The well-dressed man?

Blue Velvet?

That was my Halloween costume last year.

- What's that?

- It's a bicycle.

No, it's not. That's a tricycle.

You said you wanted to ride with legs.

Yeah, but not on a tricycle.

It was my grandma's.

She didn't know how to ride a bike.

- You did it?

- We did it.

- Good work, comrade.

- Thank you.

I need A-C.

Dude, you need a new outfit.

There's a mall a few blocks down,

but let's walk.

We can just grab some lunch...

Hussy.

Oh, no. No, no.

What size are you?

- I have no idea.

- How's that possible?

Don't be embarrassed.

You're not a heifer or anything.

Only my tailor knows my size.

He's been making my uniforms

for 26 years.

Does everyone in your country

have a personal tailor?

Go and get the clothes.

I found just the thing for you.

This... is me.

Hey, I think he's looking at me.

Look down. Don't look at him.

Don't make eye contact.

- Excuse me. Sir.

- Don't look up.

Don't look up. Don't look up.

Oh, shoot!

Sir, you've got to wait.

Hey! Stop!

What the hell, buddy?

OK, listen,

he is not who you think he is.

I don't care who he is.

When somebody with a badge

tells you to stop, you stop!

I'm so sorry.

My uncle's not from around here.

Now, can you produce

a receipt for those items?

- Receipt?

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah. Of course.

- Let me see it.

Of course.

Nobody leaves the store

without a hole punch.

- Got it?

- Yep.

Darlene. What...

What are you doing here?

You don't own the parking lot, Charles.

Actually, I do. But that's beside

the point. Why are you here?

I want things to go back

to the way they were,

or I'm gonna sue for sexual harassment.

And I'm gonna tell Patty.

We both know I have video to prove it.

You're insane.

I thought that's what

you liked about me.

Work it out.

And this is my daughter's.

- Tatiana!

- Oh, sh*t! Denny!

Tatiana, open the door.

Hey.

Is he looking for me?

Worse. He's looking for me.

You deserve better, Tatiana.

You don't even know him.

I heard what he said about

the other woman in the garage.

If he doesn't see your worth,

he's not worth seeing.

Come on.

I feel like one of your soldiers,

wounded in battle.

You're not a foot soldier.

You're a commander.

Commander of what? Loserville?

Over your world, you have power.

But you don't know how to wield it.

Your classmates are bourgeoisie.

You're proletariat.

You must rise up and conquer.

It's easy for you to say.

You don't go to Seely.

They're like royalty.

Well, be easy to topple 'em.

The masses despise royalty.

Oh. I wanna use your World Wide Web.

You can just say "internet".

No, no, no. The address has to go in

the address field, not in the subject.

Then, down here, this is

where you write your letter.

And when you're done, you hit "send".

- How long till they receive it?

- Point five seconds.

Point five seconds?

Are you sure you wanna go back there?

My people need me.

The people who drove

a tank through your house?

They will realise their error

and I will lead the revolution.

Hm-hmm.

I'm not trying to be negative here,

but didn't they just have

a revolution to get rid of you?

Uh-oh. Crap, my mom's here. OK.

Uh, hide in the closet. Go.

Don't make a sound!

- Tatiana?

- Hmm?

Hey.

- What's going on in there?

- Nothing.

- I thought you were sick.

- I was. I mean, I am. Even barfed.

- Is your friend Denny in there?

- No.

I've got my bullshit detector on,

so don't even try lying to me.

- No.

- Is Denny in there?

No. He is not in there.

You should...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

Ah.

You know, it does really burn you up

- when you hide things from me.

- I'm not.

- So you shouldn't feel that way.

- Really?

Because when it comes

to the opposite sex,

I could really lend you some pointers.

Thank you.

Like number one, when you're hiding

a guy in your room,

the worst place you can hide him

is in that closet.

- First place everybody looks.

- Really?

And the second-worst place

is under the bed. Hello?

Now, behind the door is the best place

because as soon as the parental

goes for the closet,

the guy slips out, and he's home free.

You know so much.

Mom, I'm actually feeling really sick.

Can you go and make me

some tea or some soup?

- Of course.

- OK. Thank you.

I'm just gonna... check the closet!

No, no, Mom. Don't...

No. Mom! Mom, don't!

- Stop screaming.

- Please don't be mad.

I was gonna tell you about him, I swear.

I'm not going to hurt you.

I'm a friend of your daughter's.

- My name is Anton Vincent.

- It's OK, Mom.

He's not a creepy child molester.

He's a dictator.

- No, I'm here to contact my comrades.

- It's true. He's totally MIA.

I'm waiting for instructions

from the resistance,

and I'll be on my way tomorrow.

Don't be scared.

He's the good kind of dictator,

not the kind that tortures people.

Right, Anton?

Well, in the name of the revolution,

I've done things that I'm not proud of.

Whatever, but he didn't

torture anyone, so it's fine.

Sometimes to protect

the right of the majority,

you have to infringe

the rights of the minority.

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