Death At A Funeral Page #6

throw him out in the rubbish?

Any of you happened to notice...

...the size of uncle Eddie's coffin?

Are you suggesting that we bury

him with my father?

Why not?

it's not like he's gonna

know, is he?

That's not the point.

it makes sense Daniel.

The coffin is there, the hole in the

ground is there...

...they go, and that's all.

End of story.

Unless you got

a better suggestion.

I mean, come on look...

...you got to do whatever it

is in life

...that get you up the most.

Yeah.

But maybe i don't consider my life

anymore as being me,me,me...

...maybe i've discovered something out

of myself that i care about.

And maybe you should do it

too, Justin.

That's a bit harsh, 'cause

i really care about you.

No Justin. You care

about you.

You care about me in relation

to how i affect you.

There's a difference.

No. That's not true.

Martha.

I love you Martha.

No Justin, you don't...

Jesus f***ing Christ!

Simon!

Simon.

Simon?

Simon what the hell

are you doing?

Come back here and put your clothes

on, this instant!

I show you kissing him.

I wasn't kissing him.

I promise you.

What're you doing?

We're in a bloody funeral.

I'll jump.

- Don't be silly.

- I'll jump right now!

I swear to you

Simon don't be like this

Do you remember? Drugs.

You got drugs in you.

Just calm down.

Simon, look at me.

Justin, will you get

the f*** out of here?!

I'm going to do it

I will jump

- Simon look at me!

- I swear I am

Please calm down.

- Simon, please.

- I'm gonna jump!

I'm going to jump...

I'm going to jump...

This is impossible we cannot do it.

Howard?

Is that you?

Sh*t

Are you in there?

Yeah.

Hurry get him in the bathroom.

Howard?

- Oh sh*t

- What's that?

Howard, what the f*** is uncle Alfie

doing on the toilet?

I forgot him.

How could you forget?

What's wrong with you?

Open the door

What is it?

Hi, Daniel.

Where's Howard?

I'm here.

Howard, come see this.

Simon's totally f***ing lost it.

- What's going on?

- Nothing.

Simon is on the roof.

He's totally f***ing naked.

He's threatening to jump.

Jesus

Where are you going?

I have to go out there.

If he jumps, I'm f***ed.

Wait here.

Simon, you're not going to jump.

I'll jump.

I'm not listening to you.

Simon, get back in here.

Simon come inside and

we'll have a cop of tea.

No.

Simon.

Simon!

Simon.

Martha.

What the hell are you doing?

Simon.

Martha!

Get down from there.

What's happening?

I think i can get rid

of this guy...

...but i need you to stay outside...

...and make sure no one comes in.

Okay.

Martha.

Who is it?

It's Daniel

Everyone's in the garden, we have

to move the body now.

Brilliant.

Okay.

Quick.

Howard.

Stay here and make sure

no one comes in.

Okay

Hello revenant.

How are you?

How is God doing...today?

God is a funny one, isn't he?

Excuse me.

Yeah, okay

Daniel, we have to do this, right?

Yeah.

I wanted to ask you

about religion...

...and how could i become a priest

if i wanted to...

...because i've seen you today,

and you're amazing.

I'm glad to hear that.

God, we can't leave them like that.

You know, in a strange way, maybe this

is what dad wanted.

For God's sake Robert.

Can't you take anything seriously?

Sundays, is it true...

...the wine is sweeter...

...or not?

Listen, we'll deal with this later.

I'd like to get to the phone.

Why do you say i can't take

anything seriously?

I'll tell you why.

Because you disappear half way

around the world...

...and you hardly ever come back

to see your parents.

Because you spend the last of

your money on a 1st class ticket...

...when you know you're supposed

to give me the half for the funeral.

Because you live your life as if you're

on a fairground

...and 'cause you never ever, gave

a sh*t about anyone but yourself.

I didn't know anything about this

disturbed young man on the roof.

I have a confession to make.

I have these thoughts about...

...sticking a pen

up my bum

You're what?

Simon, this is really dangerous.

Please.

Leave me alone.

Sit there.

I'll never be good enough.

Not for your dad, not for you

I'll never be rich enough...

...I'll never be cool enough

Simon, stop talking this nonsense

and just come inside.

No, you go inside.

Come with me.

No. Why?

'Cause we're gonna have a baby.

What?

We'll have a child together.

You're pregnant?

How would i be able to it

without you?

- What's that? Excuse me.

- I don't know...Now look

Bye dad.

We're gonna have a baby!

Jesus.

Listen to me everyone.

Simon is off the roof.

I will kill him.

is he gone?

Yeah

Thank God.

Thank you.

Martha!

Martha, open the door.

Thank God, you're safe.

You idiot.

What were you thinking?!

I want you to stay away

from my daughter.

Look dad...

Martha, stay out of this.

Dad, we're getting married.

What?

We're getting married.

Martha.

You don't have to marry this man

just because you're pregnant.

We can deal with this Martha.

I'm marrying him because

i love him.

- You can't

- Yes, i can.

It's my life and this

is my choice.

And i'm sorry if you don't like it

but that's just tough.

And i will tell you

something else.

If you don'r short out

your attitude...

...you're gonna end up a very lonely

bitter old man.

Dad.

Darling, we really must

start again now.

Daniel, have you seen

uncle Alfie?

Sh*t

What the hell is going on

in there?

Sorry we forgot you.

Never mind that. What about that dead

body, you were dragging over there?

What dead body?

Don't f*** with me.

I saw a dead body!

Get me the hell of this

f***ing toilet!

Did you hear that?

She's having a kid.

I would have done it, if i didin't

know she was having a kid.

I thought you were in

love with her.

Yeah, but can you imagine me

bringing up a kid?

No.

Exactly.

How's your skin thing?

Oh, that...

It's probably nothing.

To be honest i'm more concerned about

...about having uncle Alfie's sh*t

in my mouth.

He was dead.

Why don't you listen, i tell

you, i saw the guy.

He was dead.

I know you did uncle Alfie.

We all did.

No, in the bathroom. The door

opened and i saw him.

What a nightmare today's been.

But exciting, isn't it?

- What?

- For a funeral i mean.

About the flat, i promised to call them

And i will.

We'll work it out.

We really have to wheeze

through this now.

Alright. Let's go.

You want to have the casket open

for people...

No.

Alright. That's fine.

Sit down everybody, as quick as

you can. We're ready to go.

Come along. Come on.

That's it.

Quickly!

Come on, come on...

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

I'd like to apologise on behalf of the

family for all of the distractions...

...and that everyone is ready to

continue with the service...

...and Daniel would like to say a few

words about his father.

Go on Daniel. quickly.

My father was an

exceptional man

My father was an

exceptional man

He was born in 1938

just a year before the war

And i'll never forget...

What the hell is going on?

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