Decoys 2: Alien Seduction Page #2

- No, she was smiling at me.

Children, children, please.

She was obviously checking me, so...

- Dream on, Henry.

- She was.

Right.

Phone numbers are a waste of time.

If she won't get with you tonight,

cut your losses and move on.

Game on, boys.

What are you doing?

Collecting data for my sociology class.

How long it takes after a girl walks in here

before a guy buys her a drink.

Can I get you a drink?

That took me 17 seconds.

That's sweet. But you don't

really want to buy me a drink.

You want to have sex.

Well, I'd probably say yes, but...

I don't think my girlfriend would approve.

You know the problem with places like this?

- There's a problem?

- Well, it's a meat market.

I mean, everyone's a commodity.

And it's all about scoring.

There's no room left for just being a person.

- You really think so?

- Yes.

Then why are you staring at my nipples?

Guys are all the same.

Talk about feelings and all

you want to do is cop a feel.

- That's not true. I'm not like that.

- Uh-huh.

Take a good look 'cause

it's the closest you're ever gonna get.

Constance!

- That's not my name.

- I'm sorry.

I... You looked just like someone

I used to know and... I thought...

You're my Biology TA, right?

Luke Callahan?

I'm Stephanie Baxter.

- I'm really sorry.

- Yeah.

- Did I scare you?

- No, no.

Well, yeah, maybe a little.

I was just heading back to the dorm.

- Would you walk me there?

- Well, yeah. Yeah. Of course, yeah.

- Sure.

- Okay.

So, this woman I reminded you of,

Constance, is she a good friend?

She was a friend of my old roommate.

He liked her a lot, but...

But what?

She did things to him.

What do you mean?

- Well?

- Mine got overly excited.

Then his vital functions ceased.

Mine was a police officer.

And I thought he was in decent shape.

I'm... I'm afraid that I'm...

But he didn't survive the temperature drop.

What about the bodies?

Did you dispose of them?

We can't have

any distractions from the police.

We gotta hide those bodies.

Look, Luke Callahan is the only one

that survived. I'm watching him.

- What is different about him?

- Yeah, he seems really sensitive.

Well, that's why he survived,

'cause their body temperatures

need to drop slowly.

- And sensitive guys...

- He was in love.

So there's more romance, more foreplay.

There's a cold snap coming.

Make sure you do it outside.

And draw it out.

We have to keep them alive

as long as possible.

How do we do that?

These human males seem so eager.

Just use your imagination.

- Keep it down, would you?

- Oh, I couldn't keep it down.

You should've seen her, she was amazing.

And she had a friend.

You getting all this, Henry?

I'm gonna need date, time, place,

some form of corroboration.

Corroboration?

- Every score needs to be documented.

- Hey...

You need hard evidence or a photo,

or an eyewitness account...

- That's a lot of crap.

- No, Nick. It isn't.

And I've come up with the perfect way

to document scores. Cellphone.

Most shoot video.

Put my PC on speed dial, and voil!

- Instant evidence.

- Hi, Mom!

- You want to be my hat trick tonight, Peter?

- Oh yeah, sure. Get out!

- Go to bed!

- You're gonna spill Henry's beer.

Are those good?

Can I try one?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Not too fast now. Nice and slow.

That's how I like it.

It's really cold...

Not your breasts, just outside.

Let's do it here, in the snow.

It's a record low tonight.

- Let's make some heat.

- Oh, God, this is just like my fantasy.

Only colder.

There's something I really,

really need to tell you.

- I'm a...

- Not now.

I'm a virgin!

- Sorry. I gotta go.

- Hey!

Idiot. Idiot.

Come in.

- Excuse me. Are you Professor Buckton?

- Yes, I am.

What can I do for you?

I'm Dr. Constance Snowdon.

I've been assigned to

Student Health Services this term.

You supervise a grad student

named Luke Callahan, right?

Yes. He's one of the best students

I've had in a long time.

Does he ever behave unusually?

Well, he's very dedicated,

which is unusual these days,

even for a grad student.

He's very interested in anatomy, particularly

unorthodox evolutionary variations.

Well, I came here to tell you that

Luke Callahan experienced a

psychotic episode a few years ago.

Really?

It's probably nothing

for you to be concerned about,

but I'd appreciate you letting me know

if ever he behaves abnormally.

"Abnormally?"

Well, how exactly would you

define that, Dr. Snowdon?

Paranoid delusions.

Usually having to do with

aliens from outer space,

that sort of thing.

Luke has always seemed

very well-balanced to me.

He's intense, but he's very sensible.

He's very good at compensating

for his problems.

I'd appreciate if you

kept this conversation

just between you and I.

- All right.

- Thank you.

Have a good day.

Hey! What's this I hear

about a secret contest?

- Contest? Like what contest?

- Oh.

Oh, I guess it's probably just a rumor. Yeah.

Oh! Hey! What's that?

Look! Sweet!

This is like handicapping horses

on the racing form, right?

No. Horse race is like 2 minutes,

this is like a 5-day type of thing.

You have got to let me play. Please.

I'll buy you all a case of brewskies.

I'll buy you all Mexican.

Come on! I mean, Sam, tell 'em.

- Tell them my word is gold.

- Forget it, Steiner.

Sam. We went to middle school together.

Okay.

If Arnold says he's buying brewskies

or if he's buying Mexican, he's good for it.

All right, how about brewskies and Mexican?

- Done.

- Times 3

- All right. Times 3

- Phenomenal!

All right. Just don't go shooting

your mouth off about this.

- If the girls find out, we're toast.

- I won't tell a soul.

You got Arnie's word on that, bro.

Evan, you're next. Let him through.

Boys, what's up?

This is just to cover

overhead administrative costs.

See, none of these chicks do it for me, man.

- I like mine with, you know, black leather...

- God...

- Chains, studs, dog collars...

- Yeah, good luck finding her.

Don't need to. She's gonna find me.

See, I was doing some Googling.

Turns out females are attracted by smells.

They're drawn to males

with strong olfactory pheromone attractors.

Olfactory phero what?

Check this out. Bought it off the Internet.

Synthetic bull musk, 95% pure.

Thank you, North Korea.

- Oh, that's it. Right there.

- Stop.

All right. Watch this.

I see you're reading Shakespeare.

I love Shakespeare.

He understands the heart.

- So which play are you reading?

- Titus Andronicus.

Oh, yeah. Titus Androna touch me.

What's that about again?

A Roman general whose daughter

has 2 guys in love with her.

So you're a romantic, too?

- Which one does she chose?

- Neither.

They rape her and torture her,

but Daddy finds out and whacks them,

and chops them into little pieces

and cooks them into a pie and serves

them to their mother for dinner.

Dinner? I bet you want to grab a burger?

I'm a non-lactose vegan.

I'd rather die than do it with a meat-eater.

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