Desperate Living Page #6

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and returned her to the castle.

Release the prisoners!

Oh, thank you,

Your Wonderful Majesty!

You bilious ball of blubber!

You rotten, stinking...

Come on, get back here!

That's the last straw, Coo-Coo!

I hereby proclaim...

Oh, shut up.

I hereby proclaim...

that you are no longer

the Princess of Mortville.

You'll be gang-raped

by my soldiers...

injected with rabies...

and exiled to the streets

of Mortville where you belong!

I consider that an honor,

Your Royal Hogness...

to once and for all be freed

from this mockery of a monarchy.

I will never live down the shame

of my inherited name...

but I will do my best...

to see that you topple

from the throne.

Seize her and f*** her!

That was a courageous decision,

Your Majesty.

You may stand, Mrs. Gravel.

I appreciate your help

in capturing my daughter.

Loyalty to the Queen

sometimes results in rewards.

Let me be the new princess,

Your Majesty.

I have seen

the human trash of Mortville...

and I share your contempt

for this town.

My subjects are beneath

contempt, Mrs. Gravel.

Dealing with the poor people

is a waste of time.

Only the rich should be

allowed to live!

I like your politics,

Mrs. Gravel.

And to tell the truth...

I need a woman like yourself

to follow in my footsteps.

If you looked all over

this land, Your Majesty...

I doubt you'd find a woman

as vicious as I.

We'll give you a trial run.

Your first duty will be

to help my soldiers...

spread rabies

to everyone in town.

Do you think

you can handle that?

Oh, yes, Your Majesty.

And I know just the person

I want to give it to first.

- May I help you?

- Yeah, I want a sex change.

- Step over here, please.

- Look, I'm in a rush...

so I'd appreciate it if you took

me before these other turkeys.

- Do you have an appointment?

- No, I don't.

I'm sorry, but we don't

see anyone here...

without an appointment.

Well, you do now, Nurse Nancy.

Come on, b*tch!

Cut these tits off!

I'm only the nurse!

The doctor is not in.

Like hell he isn't!

- Sorry, Dr. Freedman.

- Come on, quack.

I want the sex change,

and I want it now.

Madam, the sex change

is a long, complicated process.

We just can't...

Just give me the basics,

or I'll cut her head off.

Look, why don't you just

fill out the necessary forms...

and we'll see if...

Cut the sermon

and give me my wang!

I want a wang,

and I want it now!

I can only do so much

under the circumstances.

If you don't

give me a sex change...

I'll cut off your peter

and sew it on me myself!

I'll see what I can do, Madam.

Hi, big boys.

I'll bet you didn't know...

that Mommy won

the Maryland lottery. Yes!

I'm gonna be buying you

lots of new push-up bras...

so get ready

for your new home.

Things are gonna be

looking up for you two.

- Well, howdy, Miss Muffy!

- Oh, Mole, you made it!

I missed you.

I was worried about you.

You got the money?

I sure do, honey.

Look at those greenbacks.

Oh, thank God, Mole!

Money at last!

Good old germ-carrying

American currency.

What you got

in the shopping bag?

Presents, Muffy.

Presents fit for a queen.

Can I open them?

You sure can,

you big hunk of beauty.

Come on, hurry up, honey.

Oh, a new bra!

It's beautiful!

Try it on, honey.

Let me help you.

Quick, get

them boys in there.

Well, just a minute.

- Hook it for me, Mole.

- Got 'em in there?

- Yeah, hook it.

- Yum yum.

- That support feels heavenly.

- Hold still, now.

- Hook it.

- Hold still.

Oh, tie a knot. Anything.

- Oh, my God!

- What else you got for me?

Just a second.

Oh, a mink coat!

What else you got?

- Try this one, gorgey!

- Oh, what is it?

You'll love it.

I feel just like a little girl

on Christmas Morning.

A gown! It's stunning.

Oh, it makes me glad

I was born a woman.

You'll have

to help me with this.

Oh, I'm too nervous.

Just a minute.

There it goes.

Take them goddamn panties

off for a change.

I'm beginning to feel

like a queen already.

You will be Queen, Muffy!

I promise you.

Look at these huggers.

Oh, firearms!

Goody, goody gumdrops!

This one's mine, and this

little.38 is all for you.

Oh! You're so good to me, Mole.

I don't know what

I'd do without you.

I got another surprise

for you, Muffy.

A real big surprise.

Something you

never even asked for.

- A chihuahua?

- No. You'll see.

Close your eyes.

No peeking, now.

You won't believe this, Muffy.

I can't wait.

Well, hurry.

The suspense is killing me.

You can open 'em now.

What have you done

to yourself, Mole?

Well, I got the sex change

just for you, Muffy!

Get away from me

with that deformed worm!

You're sick, Mole!

You're a weirdo pervert!

Just let me try it once.

I gotta see if it works.

It's a brand-new model.

I got it at

Hopkins Hospital, Muffy.

Cut it off, Mole!

Rid your body of that

disgusting transplant!

It never goes soft, Muffy.

Oh, cut it off, Mole!

All right, then.

If that's what you really want.

- Cut it off!

- All right.

So much for science, Muffy!

A lovely potion.

But it needs something.

A lovely bat.

And a touch of rat.

A little rat urine.

Just what the doctor ordered.

That ought to give it

a little kick.

Goons, bring in

Princess Coo-Coo...

and tell her

her medicine's ready.

Get off me with

those semen-stained hands...

you big ape!

I can walk by myself.

Well, if it isn't Commoner

Coo-Coo, the grave robber.

All ready for

your little injection?

You ass-kissing little snitch.

One day I'll

get my hands on you.

I doubt you'll have the time...

for you are now

the proud owner of rabies!

Come on, you little b*tch.

Get your ass out here.

- On the streets, scumbag!

- Don't bite anybody, dog face!

Be brave, sugar. Be brave.

I'll fix you all up.

I thought you'd like it, Muffy.

I thought you wanted a man.

I just said that

to make you jealous.

I liked your organs

just the way they were.

Now... now I won't

have any organs.

It'll be like having

a Barbie-doll crotch.

When I get through

with these stitches...

it'll be close enough

in my book.

Careful. This is gonna hurt.

Will you ever be able

to love my operation?

Oh, I'll love it, Mole.

I'll feel it. I'll love it.

I'll eat it.

Just like old times.

Now, hold it.

This is gonna hurt.

Who the hell is that?

Come in.

Hi, Your Majesty.

Holy sh*t, Mole.

What happened to you?

Muffy just gave me an abortion.

You were pregnant, Mole?

I wasn't gonna tell anybody,

but I was raped...

by those lottery officials

when I picked up my money.

Men are such c*nts.

Men, women, they're all OK

with me as long as they're nude.

All that sunshine must've

rotted your brain, Shina.

Yeah, there's nothing

more disgusting than a nude man.

How many times

I gotta tell you...

men are genetic rejects,

and all that gristle...

they got hanging down

between their legs...

was God's first big mistake...

and us woman have been

paying for it ever since.

What is she doing

in my home, anyway?

Be easy on her, Mole.

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