Detention of the Dead Page #2

Lighten up? No, this is

no time to lighten up.

If anything, we should

all be getting heavier.

Well, maybe you should

stop upchucking

after every meal then.

Hey! Janet's right.

This is serious.

And serious times call for...

Serious minds.

Thank God we have you then.

Was principal McMann in there?

Partly.

I don't want to die here.

Ok.

This zombie sh*t

is really starting to

harsh my mellow, OK?

All right, look.

Come on, you too, Willow.

Get in here.

All right, this school

is crawling with God knows

how many zomb-heads.

We need to find

somewhere to hold up.

And we need to fortify.

Well, yeah, but everywhere we go,

there's going to be

deadheads already there.

Yeah, we need somewhere

no one goes to.

The library.

Why would we go there?

It's perfect. One major

entrance and plenty of shelves

to barricade the door.

Sounds easily defendable.

Yeah, and it's right down the hall.

Good. 'Cause all this

running and sh*t

is tuckering the Ashman out.

Yeah, I don't think

Mrs. Rumblethorpe

can take much more moving around.

Most important...

Yeah?

Not a single student in this school

would be caught dead there.

Don't you mean caught...

Undead there?

What do we do about that, brainiac?

From the little observations

that I've been able to make,

- zombies seem to be uni-attentional.

- Ok. What?

Zombies only pay attention to

what's right in front of them.

So, so if we don't draw

their attention...

We should just be able

to walk right by.

You go first.

Way to go, Edster!

This way!

Downstairs. Go! Go!

Hey! Hey! Come here!

Come and get me! Come and get me!

Hey! Go, go, go!

Come and get me!

Come and get me.

Come here.

- In the library!

- Get the door! Get the door!

Go! Go!

Yeah!

Aha!

Yeah! Hell, yeah!

Jesus, Eddie.

I know, I didn't think

that would actually work.

Ok, she's not looking too good.

I can't believe this is happening.

I am student council

vice president.

Junior prom queen, and

head cheerleader,

and I have a serious problem

with the direction

this school is taking.

Well, I'd adjust

quickly if I were you,

or the next popularity

contest you'll be winning

is most likely to get eaten

by the student body.

Aah! Oh!

Again?

Damn it, Janet. Help me.

What should I do?

Here. Hold her neck.

Keep pressure on it.

Eddie's been studying medical

school since like infancy,

so maybe he knows.

Ew!

Hey, what is it?

Oh, nothing big.

Just the end of the world.

Ah! Ah!

Mrs. Rumblethorp?

Oh, please don't be dead.

Please?

Ok...

Ok... Ok.

Come on. Janet!

Bradikins. You saved me.

Guys, help me!

Whoa.

Aah!

Did she bite you?

No! I bent my finger weird.

I can't hold her much longer.

- Her brain. Her brain!

- What?

Eddie's right, the only

way to kill a zombie

is destroy its brain.

That cuntress has been riding

me since I was a freshman.

It's time for some payback.

Bring her to me.

How you like me now,

Rumbly Thumbly? Hmm?

It looks like rob zombie

raped the entire

cast of gossip girl

and this is their angry love child.

And who knows what it's

like everywhere else.

Tried the land lines. Nothing.

So we're completely cutoff

from the rest of the world?

What about the Internet?

None of our phones

can get a signal.

School computer?

Really?

That thing's so ancient

it makes old tron

look cutting edge.

It's worth a try, ok?

You know, maybe we

can email for help.

Or tweet. OMG, zombies

attacking the school.

Send help pronto.

Here goes nothing.

This might take awhile.

Well, if this isn't a commentary

on the current state

of public education,

I don't know what is.

Yeah, that helps.

Feet in the air and

head on the ground

You try this trick and spin it

Your head will collapse

but there's nothing in it

So you ask yourself

everything will be OK.

Look at you.

You are way too hot to die.

Where is my mind

way out in the water,

see it swimming

I was swimming...

Like the werewolves

are to vampires,

or are you team Switzerland?

Oh, yeah, me too, yeah.

Except the little fish

but they told me, he

swears tryin' to talk to me

Where is my mind, where is my mind

Where is my mind?

Way out in the water,

see it swimming

Um, hey, guys, I think

we have a problem

of incalculable proportion.

Huh?

Big problem.

Oh.

Are they getting in?

No, no, not yet, Janet.

But they will.

There's no way they're gonna

make it through the barricade.

Their numbers are growing,

Jimmy. They're gonna get in.

Well, then I say we run for it.

No, no, that's...

yeah, he's right.

All right, we make a run.

Maybe someone out there

has a cure or something.

Yeah, and go back out there?

- Yeah.

- With them?

Bradikins, baby,

I can't do it. I can't.

Ok, look.

I've seen about every

zombie movie there is,

and one internal

truth in all of them

is that going outside equals bad.

- Exactly.

- I say we run for it.

And outrun the high

school of the damned.

Look, from what I've seen,

I don't need to outrun one of them.

I need to outrun one of you.

And I'm pretty damned sure

I can beat asthma boy here.

I don't have asthma.

Not all dorky kids have asthma.

Yeah, look, we make a run.

Right, some of us will make it.

Look at her.

She's got big-ass boots on.

She can't run.

- Survival of the fittest.

- Hoo-rah.

I breathe just fine. Thank you.

Oh, Bradikins, I can't go

out there and compete.

I play sports.

I'm totally OK with the

current living situation.

I'm just saying.

I bowl. I'm a bowler.

I'm an excellent bowler.

Eddie, focus, come on.

Focus, please.

Sorry. Right, sorry. Jimmy.

Jimmy, your plan only works if

we all agree to go out there,

and clearly there is a

large dissenting opinion

that plans just stay put.

Like me.

And me. Brad, babe...

You won't leave me here, will you?

We stay.

Come on!

Oh, you guys seriously

need to chillax.

Chillax?

Yeah. Look on the bright side.

Bright side? The school

is overrun with zombies.

What's the bright side?

When else do you get to

decapitate your English teacher

and then continue to

torment her undead head?

Right, Mrs. Rummy Thumber?

Oh! No biting! That's a bad

Mrs. Rumbly Thumbly. Huh?

Detention for you!

Ash! Stop taunting the undead.

All right.

All right, look. I got it.

If we're going to stay,

we need to treat this

like a siege situation.

Our greatest danger is lying

either a frontal breach

of our defenses,

or a small scale incursion

via an as yet

unrecognized weak point.

We do some recon.

Eddie, you're a book geek, right?

You know how to look

stuff up and sh*t?

Sure.

Maybe there's something

in here that can help.

Zombie stuff, like a how-to

survive a zombie attack.

Or what to do if bitten.

This is a high school library,

so I'm not sure there's a

lot of reference material

on zombies.

Yeah, too bad this

isn't the library

from Buffy the vampire slayer

cause they had a wicked

dark art selection.

What?

I liked the two gay witches.

Wicked chicks are hot.

Ow.

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