Detention of the Dead Page #3

Damn it! There's gotta

be something, right?

Sorry, but when it

comes to living dead,

your best source of info

is right in front of you.

Between Eddie and I, we've

seen about every movie,

read every comic book and

played every video game

that has anything

to do with zombies.

Yeah, that's right.

When it comes to zombie

survival, we're the bad asses.

Fine. Eddie, Willow, you'll

act as our intelligence...

Well, that's in no way

ominous or foreboding.

Baby?

Janet, babe, don't worry, OK?

I'll kill anything that

comes through the door.

Jimmy!

Jimmy!

Oh, man, no!

Jimmy... Hey. Hang in there.

I don't feel so good.

All right. I'll give you some air.

Hang in there.

This is not getting us anywhere.

Stay there!

Ugh.

Whoa.

I mean we can't just

leave him there.

He's gonna turn.

Hey, we all saw what happened

to Mrs. Rumblethorp.

So, what? You want to

throw him out the window?

It's Jimmy for Christ sakes.

Not for long, bro.

Brad, baby, they're right.

You know they're right.

Ah, f***.

Brad.

Jimmy.

Hoo-rah.

No!

Hoo-rah...

We're all gonna die.

We're all gonna die!

We're all gonna die.

Janet, it's gonna be OK.

We're gonna be OK.

We're gonna be OK.

Uh, um, group hug.

Thanks, guys.

I'm OK now.

Wonder what caused all this.

Nuclear fallout?

Military super soldier experiments.

Meteors.

Biological weapons.

Aliens.

Diseased monkeys.

You know what I don't get?

Mark. When he turned all

aberzombie and Fitch,

he was still pretty fast.

But Marion the zombrarian

was all slow and stumbly.

Clearly each zombie retains

some of their physical attributes

from when they were alive.

All right. Enough.

Enough.

We all seriously need to chillax

before someone pops a blood vessel.

Chillax? What the f*** is chillax?

Chill. And relax.

When the powers combine, chillax.

Whatever.

All I'm saying is I think it's time

to intro a little...

Mellow.

Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

To this pity party.

Sweet. Share the wealth.

As the lady dark doth command.

Wait, is that marijuana pot?

Something like that.

I don't think this is the

time to be getting high.

I need something to calm my nerves.

What say you, Bradtasm?

Yeah, f*** it.

For medicinal purposes.

Secondhand smoke?

Won't the zombies get the munchies?

Ed, they already have them.

Fine.

Smoking weed equals death.

What?

In the movies,

smoking the weed equals death.

Drinking equals death.

Having sex equals death.

Basically having fun in any

way will get you killed.

Right. Horror movies are total

moral righty conservative

propaganda bullshit.

Tell me about it.

I've never been so

happy to be a virgin.

What?

I'm waiting for the right girl.

Uh, sure, if by the right girl

you mean someone lame enough

to sleep with your ass.

No, no. I mean...

Yeah, whatever.

High school sucks.

Just do it.

Oh...

What was that? What is it?

Oh...

He was enjoying it, too.

Ugh!

Uh, me and uh, pale tits mistress

of the extreme eyeliner

are regulars in the good

ship detention, but um,

what the hell are you

three doing here?

Nothing.

Oh, come on.

What's an 18th level wizard

dungeons and dragons geek

like you doing in detention?

I'm a paladin.

What?

Wizards are for spazzes and losers.

Right. Right.

So what about you, sweet cheeks?

Oh.

Well, nothing. We were just

caught in the bathroom.

What were you guys

doing in the bathroom?

Are you... in the bathroom?

That's gross.

I'm just playing.

Check it, Willow-winds,

uh, Slutskin McDrop-her-drawers

is embarrassed.

No. We were...

We were just kissing.

Oh, get off it, Janet.

Everyone in this school

knows you got a mouth

that could suck start a jet engine.

Hey, come on.

F*** you.

And f*** you, too!

What, you boys get to chase

every ass in tight jeans,

but I do what it takes

to satisfy my boyfriend,

and I'm a slut?

Pretty much.

You don't get it.

No one does.

Get what?

How hard it is to be me.

Oh, please.

There's so much pressure that

comes with being popular.

Everything I do, everything

I wear is judged.

By everyone.

Oh, poor you.

I always have to say

the right thing,

wear the newest clothes,

date the coolest guy.

And in the end,

you all still hate me.

We don't hate you.

Yes, you do.

You social rejects hate

me because I'm popular.

And the popular kids

hate me because...

I'm more popular than them.

Well, if being popular is so rough,

then why don't you,

I don't know, stop trying

to be the queen bee.

That's easy for you to say.

You've never been popular.

You're not the only one

whose felt uh, so trapped

by who they are.

That they did something stupid.

Really, really stupid.

Holy sh*t.

Where'd you get a gun?

You were gonna columbine us?

I wasn't gonna columbine you.

The gun is for me.

You were gonna off

yourself in detention?

Is this because I make fun of you?

No.

Is it because I didn't

go to prom with you?

What? No. I didn't

even ask you to prom.

It's because of her.

I thought you and the rumbles

were all apt pupillage and whatnot.

Yeah, we were, till

she found these.

Adderall?

I was just using Adderall

to help me study.

Mrs. Rumblethorp just caught me.

And they weren't

prescribed to me. Per se.

So you were riding

the Adderall train

to Ivy league town.

Yeah. I got into Harvard.

I studied my butt off to

get out of this sh*t hole.

To get into somewhere where

I wasn't put in a urinal

for wanting to learn.

That's why I'm in detention.

And look, I want to live.

I want to live through this.

But to do that, we'd

need to work together.

We'd need to put all our petty,

stupid self interests aside

and work for the greater good.

Well, this is high

school, so fat chance.

Damn it, Ash, this isn't a joke!

Two hours ago, she's

running detention

and accusing you of smoking out.

I fail to see the

difference, Eddie.

Guys?

Look, Edstser,

there's one thing I know

and it's when push

comes getting eaten,

it's every man, cheerleader,

meathead, dork,

and scary yet strangely

attractive goth chick

- for themselves.

- Hey, guys...

That's the attitude that's

gonna get us killed!

Dude, we're all dead meat anyways.

Might as well enjoy

the ride, Edster.

Guys!

- What?

- Listen.

Hit it!

Get it out of here!

Get it out of here!

Get it, Eddie! Get it!

Get it out of here!

Get it out of here!

You saved me.

Oh, my head.

What?

What do I do? What do I do?

Pry its fingers off.

Stay still!

Ah, screw that!

Relax. I got this.

Janet, help me!

Shoot it fast. Shoot it!

No, no, no! Don't shoot it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I got you, Ed!

I got you, Ed.

Ah... ah... ah...

1... 2... 3...

That was intense.

What's the math say?

That the amount of

zombies out there,

should they make a

concerted effort...

Yeah?

They'd break through

in about 35 seconds.

So we're basically screwed.

Yeah.

Is that what you really want?

Yeah.

What?

She's beautiful.

Sexy. Super popular.

Perky. Not to mention perky.

I'm a big fan of perky.

You're just like the

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