Detention of the Dead Page #4

rest of these idiots.

You were a bunch of mindless

zombies before any

of this happened.

Trying so hard to fit

into their little clique.

Trying so hard to hide anything

that might make them stand out.

I mean, God forbid

we don't all fit into

this cookie cutter mold

that everyone puts us in.

Popular girl.

Bully.

Stoner idiot.

Dorky loser.

I'm not like them.

Sure you are.

You'd die for one night with Janet.

Not because you love her

or that you care for her.

Just because she's what

everybody tells you

you should strive for.

And you were going to

kill yourself last night.

Why?

Because you weren't going

to get into Harvard?

So what, Eddie.

Does that mean your life

isn't worth living?

You're right.

Maybe I need to...

I don't know, grow up a bit.

Maybe we all do.

Hey, if we live through this, um...

Yeah?

Would you want to, you know...

I mean, if you don't,

that's cool, I mean...

Oh, no. I want, I, I uh...

I definitely want to.

Oh. Cool.

Cool.

Edster!

Uh...

How long until the

zombie horde gets bored

and scampers into

the next taco bell?

I don't know. In the movies,

the horde never goes away.

It keeps getting bigger.

And that's what makes it a horde.

Well, we have a problem then.

What?

Le toilet.

Come on, man.

Find a corner or something.

Oh, gross!

Oh, no go, man.

I gotta take a deuce

from the caboose.

I say we blow this popsicle stand

and make a pit stop along the way.

Just hang your ass out the window.

Oh, no, so some zomb-head

can take a bite out of my ass?

We're on the second floor.

Zombies don't jump, idiot.

Oh, screw that.

I watched shark week on TLC.

And if some great white can

jump 20 feet out of the air

to grab a tasty seagull snackpack,

who's to say a zombie can't?

Well, there are major logic flaws...

no. Ash is right.

- He is?

- I am?

Yeah. No, not about

zombies jumping. That's stupid.

But we need to get the

hell out of here.

We can't leave.

The barricade's our

only protection.

I gotta go, man.

That means a trip to

the little boy's room.

Ed, you know, maybe they're right.

You said yourself the

barricade won't hold.

Maybe we should make a run for it.

I'm not going out there.

Brad, baby, you wouldn't

leave me, would you?

I'm sorry, babe.

Come on, let's go.

No, you can't. You can't go.

If you start moving things around,

you're gonna draw them

closer to the door.

Hey, wait.

What?

What if there's another way?

What, are you gonna escape

through the vent shaft?

No. I'm gonna send my little

sidekick ferret to go get help.

It'd be so cool if that were true.

Look at it this way, this

might be our only chance,

and I for one would like

to live past this day.

Especially now that I have

something to look forward to.

What if there's a

zombie in the shaft?

How's a zombie gonna get

in the shaft, Eddie?

I don't know. Zombie rats?

Like in house of the damned?

Those f***ers will

eat your sh*t up.

There's no f***ing zombies

in the shaft, you guys.

I'm going.

Me, too. Ashbury needs

his porcelain throne.

Ed, look, this might be

your only chance, OK?

Well, I'm not going.

Isn't someone gonna

stay here with me?

Ed?

I'm sorry, Willow.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

Let's go.

Um, do either of you have any idea

which direction we should be going?

Of course not.

You're a really great

guy, you know that?

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Would you ever...

Go out with a guy like me?

I don't think so.

Uh-oh.

What? What is it?

Oh! F***, dude! Confined spaces.

Oh, God, Ash. Not cool. Not cool.

I told you I had to go.

Why?

That's just the way it is.

That's the way it is?

You're a geek, right?

Um, yeah. I guess.

Well, I'm a hot cheerleader, right?

Yeah.

Geeks and cheerleaders don't date.

We're just different.

Well, why?

You just said I was a good guy.

It's just not that simple.

Am I not good looking enough?

Yeah.

Sh*t.

Holy Moses Malone.

House of the damned!

House of the damned!

Get back, you guys!

You're just so stuck up.

F*** you, Eddie.

No, f*** you, Janet.

What was that?

Uh-oh.

Mother puss bucket.

Do you like being made fun of?

Or beat up?

Of course not.

Neither do I.

That's exactly what would

happen if we dated.

My friends would eat me alive.

Did you ever think that maybe

they're not your friends?

Ash... Ash...

Yeah?

Oh, no.

What?

My stash.

What?

My stash!

I can't find my stash.

Dude, give me a boost.

Come on, man.

Give me a boost.

What the hell, are you guys crazy?

Dude, I'm not leaving

my weed behind.

All right, come on.

1, 2, 3...

Morons.

Push me.

Dude, hurry up.

Chillax.

Dude, it's all good.

Ash?

Has anyone ever told you you

have really pretty eyes?

My mom.

She says they're my best feature.

You're really beautiful.

Has anyone ever told you that?

Sure. All the time.

Oh.

Well, they're right.

I know.

Oh, my God.

Uh...

You got any ideas?

Sorry, Ash.

Take it.

Eddie?

Yeah?

I don't want to die a virgin.

What?

I mean, I've done

stuff, but never...

Uh, but... All right, well...

Willow...

Eddie!

Janet, open the door!

Open up!

Open the door.

Open the door!

- Eddie!

- Janet!

But the zombies.

Hurry!

Eddie!

- Open the door!

- Open up!

Open the door!

Where's Ash?

Right here.

At least what's left of him.

We need more stuff.

Go! Go! We'll take it!

Brad! Brad!

Help us!

Watch out!

This isn't gonna hold for long.

We need to figure a

way out of here.

Agreed.

Eddie, I gotta talk to you.

What?

Eddie!

It'll just take a second.

I have to tell you something.

Hold the fort down.

I'll be right back.

What is it?

We didn't finish.

OK, no, I mean...

We might be dead soon.

Carpe diemonous.

Brad! What are you doing?

Wake up! Brad!

Stop!

Guys!

It's not what...

Well, actually it's exactly

what you may think.

It's Brad. He must've

been bit. He's turning.

Brad! Brad! Stop!

Bradikins.

The door.

Eddie, help me!

Brad, baby, I'm sorry.

I know I cheated.

Damn it, Janet! Fight him!

No. I deserve it. I betrayed him.

No, no, Janet.

Actually he betrayed you.

What?

Yeah. He's been telling

the whole school

that he's been screwing

you for months.

No, we were waiting for prom.

That's not what he told me.

Yeah, I don't even think

you'd make it to prom.

Because he's got like

6 girls on the side.

What?

Yeah. Like Lilly and

Trish, and Sarah.

Whores!

And you know what else,

he told me you're not

a natural blonde.

What?

Yeah!

You f***ing f***er!

Yeah! F*** him up!

You f***ing f***er!

Maybe if you reciprocated

once in awhile

you'd know,

the carpet does match the blinds!

Match the blinds?

Just go with it. She's on a roll.

Get out! Get out!

Let's go!

Yeah!

It's not gonna hold.

We need to get out of here.

Well, maybe we should

spend more time

building up the barricade and

less time making out in the back.

Well, maybe if people knocked

instead of just barging in.

What does that have to

do with anything, Janet?

Oh, my God! Stop it both of you!

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