Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo Page #5

[Meows]

% Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh %

You are good.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Are you all right?

I need you to be

okay with something.

What? I'm okay

with everything.

Deuce.

There may be things

about me that you don't like.

I like everything

about you.

I mean, physically.

So you're taller than me.

Big deal. I'll get over it.

It's not that.

What?

If you were to find out

something about me...

and my body that was

maybe a little different...

than what you were used to,

would that be okay?

There could be nothing

on your body that I wouldn't like.

What are you

talking about?

What do you got, like, six toes

or something? I can live with that.

Deuce, I have to tell you,

- I have a--

- Shh.

[Giggles]

[Gasps]

Oh, my God. I'm sorry!

- I tried to tell you.

- No, it's my fault.

I shouldn't have

pulled it so hard.

If you want to leave,

I completely understand.

I don't want to leave.

I'm sorry I had that reaction.

I just-- I got a lot of things

going on in my life recently,

and they all sort of culminated

when your leg fell off--

came off--

disconnected--

- Just get out!

- Oh, my God!

Please leave.

Kate!

I'm sorry!

[Sobbing]

Just go home.

Don't I have

a say in this?

Hand me my leg.

- Then will you come out and talk?

- I don't know.

[Click]

Are you sure

you want to stay?

Yes, but only if

you come out of there.

I need to know how you feel

about all this.

The same as I did

an hour ago,

when I thought to myself,

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world...

to be with her leg--

with you."

[Squeaking]

Ow-w-w!

Is this normal?

My face is numb.

It's perfectly normal

in hair replacement surgery.

The local anesthetic has numbed

the major nerves in your face,

Just like at the dentist.

-[Pounding]

- Ow-w-w-w!

You're Kate's best friends, and I know

your opinions mean a lot to her.

And... I'd like to get

really serious with her.

- You're a prostitute!

- Not anymore.

And it's "man-whore".

Anyway, I just quit.

I mean, Kate's the one for me.

Listen, you were only supposed to

go out with her one night,

show her a good time, and then

get the hell out of her life.

- You know she's not normal.

- She's not like other girls.

You know what her problem is?

Friends like you.

She's perfect.

She's kind,

she's sweet, she's funny,

and she likes me.

Now I came here

to give you your money back--

the money you paid a stranger

to have sex with your friend.

Hey! You stay away

from her, man-whore!

Hiya, Deuce. Your three days

are up, lover boy.

- So where's Antoine's black book?

- I've looked everywhere.

Listen, punk, you are aiding

and abetting a known criminal.

Do the initials T and J mean

anything to you?

Uh, turkey jizz?

I don't--

You better show some respect, or I'm

gonna rip that pleasure-giving

tongue out of your head!

- [Zipper Unzips]

- One more thing.

I was at the precinct, and I

really had to use the john,

and it's pretty filthy in there

and I was in kind of a hurry...

and I didn't have time to use one of

those, you know, paper ass gaskets.

I was doin' my business, and something

sort of splashed up on me, all over.

What do you do in situations like that?

You think I'll be all right?

- I think you're pretty safe.

- I better be!

- % [Funk]

-[TJ.] Ugly is not

a problem for this guy.

My man would stick his dick

in a he-monkey.

All right.

I'll catch you later.

What up, Deucey?

[Sighs] You should know,

that cop won't leave me alone.

- % [Off]

- What about the cop?

- He's been asking questions.

- Goddamn white boy.

Anyway, it doesn't matter

to me anymore. I'm quitting.

What about

Antoine's apartment?

I'm gonna get the rest of the money

the old-fashioned way.

You gonna steal it?

See ya, T.J.

I just quit!

I'm never doing it again!

- You lied to me!

- Listen, please.

It's not what you think.

You were paid

to go out with me!

[Sobbing]

- You want breakfast?

- Kate!

Please go away!

I don't want to see you again!

Me neither.

I'm sorry.

[Snarls]

% I feel sad

when you're sad %

% I feel glad

when you're glad %

% And if you only knew

what I'm goin' through %

% I just can't smile %

% With out you %

[Shattering]

% You came along

just like a song %

% And brightened my day %

% Who'd have believed

you were part of a dream %

% And now it all seems

a light year away %

% And you know

I can't smile with out you %

% I can't smile

without you %

% I can't laugh

I can't sing %

% I'm findin' it hard

to do anything %

I'm 1,500 short.

Isn't there anything else you can do?

Listen, I came all over the place--

down from six grand.

This is a custom

hand job.

- Let me pay you monthly.

- The last time I didn't

get the money up front,

- I got the big stiffie.

- [Rings]

- Hello?

- [Antoine] What the hell are

you doing picking up my phone?

- I found the coral you wanted.

- If you are doing anything I

disapprove of, I will kill you!

- Hola, senor. Noyo tengo.

No habla Ingles.

- [Antoine Chattering]

- Murder! I will kill you!

- Hasta luego.

[Rings, Beeps]

[On Answering Machine]

Hey, Antoine. It's Elaine.

I really need

to see you again.

Same price, same place?

I'll have the money.

Hi. Um, this isn't

Antoine,

but, uh, maybe we

can work something out.

Hi.

I'm Deuce.

- Stop.

- Why?

- You don't want to have sex.

- Yes, I do.

I think we both do.

Don't you find me

attractive?

Are you kidding? You're one of

the hottest women I've ever seen.

Easy, easy.

I just can't do this.

I'm head over heels

for a girl,

and we're going through a rough time,

me being a man-whore and all.

But I know it's gonna work out,

because I love her.

Well, she's a lucky girl.

At least emotionally.

My guy used

to be like that.

Hey.

Hang in there.

Things have a way

of working out.

Hey.

Where you goin'?

Well, I thought we talked

and you understood.

I understand. But the fact is,

I still paid for your services.

What did you have

in mind?

% ["Get Down Tonight"]

% Baby, let's get together %

% Honey, hon

me and you %

% And do the things

Ah %

% Do the things %

% That we like to do %

% Oh, do a little dance %

% Make a little love

Get down tonight %

% Get down tonight %

% Do a little dance %

% Make a little love

Get down tonight %

% Get down tonight, baby

Get down, get down %

% Get down, get down %

-% Get down tonight, baby %

- Aah!

% Woo, woo, woo, woo

woo, woo, woo, woo, woo %

% Get down, get down

get down, get down %

% Get down tonight, baby %

- I'm just exhausted.

- Oh, God, you were amazing.

Are you kidding?

[Elevator Doors Shut]

I just had to see

for myself.

Oof! Oh!

-[Groaning]

- Kate!

% I'm not in love %

% I'm not in love %

Ohh!

- What?

- How's Elaine?

You know, your wife.

Bastard!

This wasn't about

some black book.

Your wife was a customer

of Antoine's, wasn't she?

That son of a b*tch is goin' down.

And you're gonna join him!

How's that gonna fix

your marriage?

Look, I lost someone

that I love too.

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